Brogden Soap Opera Moves Into Top Gear

"I can't wait to see what the cliffhanger will be!" says Australia.

Warning Labels for Porn

"WARNING: May make you feel insecure about your penis size."

"WARNING: May be more fun than the Bible, the Torah and the Koran put together."

"WARNING: You might go to hell, but it might be worth it."

"WARNING: Product contains mature concepts. Like fucking."

"WARNING: Do not study for acting tips!"

"WARNING: May make you inadvertantly develop a misogynistic view of women and unrealistic expectations for them. But probably not."

"WARNING: May raise your standards a little higher than that ugly ducking you think is a swan that you call your girlfriend."

"WARNING: Don't pretend this will influence you to do bad things. Don't ruin it for the rest of us, fucko."

"WARNING: Proprieter takes no responsibility for second-hand product being sticky."

"WARNING: You shouldn't watch this. Go and join the Holy Spirit Interactive Youth instead. They're so much fun."

"WARNING: Your parents, church and government don't want you to see this. Must be good, right?"

Outrage at Schools Teaching Leftist, Christ-like Values

"

Parents groups have expressed widespread outrage at a recent report that found teachers in Australian schools were teaching students left-wing values. Catholic schools had the most incidences of leftist teachers, citing 'Jesus' as the source of their extremist views, closely followed by some Church of England academies.

"These maverick educators have got to be stopped" said concerned parent Donald Trousers, whose daughter attends one of the Catholic schools accused of expressing leftist views in classes. "Just the other day Bridget came home from school, crying because her school was telling her to donate money to a fund to help the Sudanese refugees. Now, we didn't send her to a Catholic schools to be taught these leftwing, pinko values."

Mother of three school-age children Janet Warburton concurred, saying that leftwing teachers were telling her sons "all kinds of filthy commie rubbish". Examples she cited included teachers telling students to care for the poor and downtrodden outcasts and "something about not casting the first stone"

Rightwing columnists joined parents and politicians in the fight against 'activist teachers', starting a letter writing campaign to secondary schools across all eight jurisdictions of Australia. The hope is that these letters will influence the schools to balance out their dogma of 'peace, love and understanding' with viewpoints from other sides of politics, such as 'me, me, me' and 'fuck 'em'.

Conservative commentator Andy Doldrum said that although he is a Christian, he is opposed to such left-leaning values being taught in independent and state schools. "Look, I go to mass every week, but I think Jesus' message of peace is too politically loaded to be taught in schools these days" the 46 year old said. When asked what he thinks a good syallabus would be, Doldrum suggested his new book "Stupid Bloody Lefties" should be taught as an example of "objective and measured commentary".

"

Earth to Michelle Leslie: You're Hot, Stop Covering Your Face. Do you want to lose this publicity?

Conversation with a Blog Spammer

"

"What do you think about Victoria's juvenile justice policy of diverting young offenders out of the formal justice system?"
"Wow! Excellent, man. You are really smart. I have just the site for you. It's about shoes. Pretty much shoe related. Stop by if you get time. Thanks!"

"If you were living back then, would you have signed up for the First World War?"
"I'm a really big fan of this blog. It's awesome. Where do you get your ideas? Well, I won't keep you long. Have a look at my site, too!"

"Gee, I wonder what can be done about the conflict in the Middle East"
"Real estate in that area is getting really expensive. Did you know that 10% of all people who talk about statistics are 50% more likely to be speaking hyperbolically? If you want to find out how to get the best deal for your home and future properties, maybe my website could be of help! Keep it up!"

"So, upwards of 'none', how much caffiene would you say is a healthy amount?
"OMG! I wish my blog was as cool as yours. Keep up the good work. P.S. My website is about all kinds of stuff, it's not an advertisement or anything. By the way, go Pepsi!"

"Do you think child molesters released from gaol should be able to live amongst a community that doesn't know of his offences? It's a bit of a moral quagmire"
"Awesome effort. Trying hard is the most important thing! If you'd like to read more about Jesus, check out my blog! I make an awesome effort also"

"

"I don't think drawing a moustache on John Howard is political satire, man"

"

Look, man, I know you consider yourself an aspiring comedian. An undiscovered gem at the skin of the water about to break through. You probably even believe you're going to have huge success. But, I think that, as your friend, I should make you aware of something. I realise you think you're a master at political satire, but you know what? I don't think drawing a moustache on John Howard's face in a picture counts as political satire. Yes, I'm being serious. Sure, it looks silly and all but I think you're missing the point here. If it is a political statement, it's a fairly naive and trite one.

And while we're on the issue, I'm also pretty sure that making fun of the physical defects of somebody you don't like isn't satirical either. I mean, sure Kim Beazley is fat. And, sure, Latham was a pear shaped pudgy guy. And, yeah, Alexander Downer has little vaginas under his eyes. But that's not...I mean...well, it's not actually comedy is it? I mean, don't you have any...I don't know..jokes about their policies or their morals or something? No, I don't think calling Bill Clinton an adulterer counts either. Besides, what year is this? Oh.

Mate, I don't want to get you down but if I didn't know any better I'd have to say you don't actually know much about anything and are just using public figures for ridicule because that's the only form of humour you can understand. Why don't you check out some Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks, David Cross or Eddie Izzard to see how political humour can be done well? What? No, I'm pretty sure Dennis Miller doesn't count.

Well, why don't you give me some of your latest political jokes and we'll see if I laugh. OK, shoot. Ten things you love about Bill O'Reilly? Man, have you been paying attention to anything I've been saying? Using a poltical figure in your comedy doesn't make that comedy political. You know that, don't you? Well, what else? A sketch where Tony Blair is called Tony Hair and he has hair all over his body and keeps tripping over his long head of hair? Actually, that's not bad. But, no, not satire.

Also, you know that thing you do where you take an old joke and insert political content into it? Like "Why did Nastasha Stott-Despoja cross the road? To suck my dick". Yeah. Not poltical satire. No, not "Knock Knock. Who's there? No WMDs" either.

Oh, hey. Don't cry, man. This isn't me trying to bag you or your art or anything. It's just that I can't help but think you're not quite understanding how this kind of humour works. Look, you'll just have to learn from the masters. I can't help you alone. Maybe listen to some Frank Zappa, or watch CNNNN. Maybe even start reading the newspaper once in a while. You'll get the hang of things.

What do you mean, 'who's Frank Zappa?' ?


"

War on Bemusement to Commence

"

A new war is to be waged by the leaders of the Free World, John Howard told a press conference this morning. The new battleground would be a direct continuation of the hyper-successful war on terror. The new target: bemusement.

“Now that there is no more terror in the world, I see fit to bring to your attention the next big threat to Our Way of Life: bemusement” the Prime Minister said. “You know that feeling you get when you’re faced with something that you just cannot understand? You become confused because you’re an intelligent person, and your inability to comprehend makes you anxious. This is bemusement and it is ruining this great nation”

The PM’s announcement got off to an ironic start, with many journalists unable to understand what he was talking about. When questioned by the throng gathered, the Hon. Mr. Howard remarked that ‘this is exactly what I was talking about! Bemusement must be stopped’ and prompted got into his limousine.

A poll conducted this afternoon in Canberra revealed that ordinary Australians were supportive of the PM’s war on bemusement, and even offered suggestions as to what our next war should be on (see below).

However, reports state that people in Melbourne and Sydney are disputing the poll from the nation’s capital city, saying nobody in Canberra can be considered an ‘ordinary Australian’.


Poll Results:‘What should the next War be on?’

“That weird feeling I get when I look at my long lost cousin” – Jake Milton, 15.

“My homosexual urges that aren’t getting adequately sublimated by AFL” – Glenn Weaver, 32.

“The Australian Film Industry. We’re just too prolific” – Sally Robbins, 44.

“Tasmania. Fuck them” – Reginald Charles, 53.

“Those commie bastards in the Department of Immigration” – Val Jenny, 60.

“Big words! They’re so…um…big.” – Craig Sleet, 24.

“My inability to urinate when someone else is watching” – David Tucker, 29.

"

Delusions of Stand Up Comedy Gold

“Good evening everybody, I’ll be your mic-warm up guy. I’ve had a few hits at this gig. You might know a couple of them. Um, ‘Check 1, Check 2’ anybody? 'Testing, testing'. That was one of mine…”

“…So, I’m a proponent of Chinese Medicine. My GP’s name is Dr. Wang….”

“…I had anorexia as a teenager. Yeah, I saw my Mum do all that cooking and cleaning the dishes and I just thought…I shouldn’t have to put her through that. It never occurred to me to just help her out. But you know, teenagers are stubborn. Once you get your heart set on an idea…”

“…But the truth is I just wanted attention. See I have a twin brother and I had to be separate from him, define myself in opposition to him. So, he became the hot, muscular one; I became the weedy, on-death’s-door one. It’s typical twin behaviour…right, Mary Kate? Besides, girls love guys that are individuals…right girls? And what’s more individual than a male anorexic? I guess a female non-anorexic...”

“…It’s nice to be out with a classy crowd tonight. You know, people who don’t refer to cask wine as ‘goon’. You know the people I’m talking about. Hippies, losers, beatniks: some of my closest friends…that I use for drugs. Classy drugs, of course. Not the kind that gets you arrested in Indonesia. None of that LOSER shit.”

“…I had a friend who was a socialist. She used to blame everything on capitalism. I mean, everything. She blamed capitalism when she broke up with her boyfriend. But, then, she was going out with Milton Friedman, so…”

“…And the Victory sign became the peace sign again. It was, once again, a political statement. For about 5 seconds. As soon as a rapper starts doing something like that, its shelf life is diminished.”

“…See, I really wanted to write a joke about schadenfreude, but I couldn’t think of anything good. Then, my friend tried to tell a joke about schadenfreude and it was a really terrible joke. That made me feel good…”

“…Thank you, you’ve been a moderate-to-good audience. Have a moderate-to-good night.”

That Old Standby: the Comic Horoscope

"

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You've always believed your hair was the source of your power, but after your next haircut you'll discover it's also the source of your ability to maintain vital bodily functions.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - All the planets are having a party this weekend so it pretty much doesn't matter what you do. Just don't piss Jupiter off on Sunday morning - he'll be very hungover.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) - You will suddenly find yourself married in Asia this week when you mistake the Bird finger sign as meaning the same thing in every culture.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)- You'll really wish you had paid more attention in RE class when you choose 'sodomy' over 'rum' and 'the lash' in your multiple-choice Navy initiation ceremony.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)- You will disprove the belief that time heals everything when your long running open wounds finally kill you from blood loss.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) - Becoming addicted to cough medicine may be a low-rent drug problem, but it sure tastes better than ecstasy.

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)- You will finally find out you have, in fact, been worshipping the wrong god this week when armageddon comes and you don't recognise Zeus.

Aries (Mar 21 - April 19) - Upon arrival in Hell you'll be both relieved and annoyed that this eternity you're to burn for is actually only as long as an Enya record.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)- You knew being the PR guy of the most despised man on Earth would be tough, but you'll still be upset when some kids let your tires down.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - Family tradition has always been important to you, which is why you'll soon develop a liver disease in honour of your late grandfather's drinking habits.

Cancer(June 22 - July 22) - You've always been afraid that your star sign would someday become portentous. Well, no need to be afraid anymore.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - Be careful of what you write in your blog this week. In three thousand years it will become the basis of the most popular religion on New Earth.

"

Hot Model Arrested in Bali on Drug Charges

"We can't believe our luck!" says Media.

Robert Doyle Builds Spaceship for Pedophile

"

Outraged at the news that convicted pedophile Charles Alan Smith is now living in Victoria after being transferred from Perth in a parole transfer scheme, state Opposition Leader Robert Doyle has built a homemade spaceship in which to place the disgraced former Salvation Army major.

“Why should Victoria become the dumping ground for other states’ pedophiles?” said Doyle, as he added the finishing touches of paint to his rocket. “I made some calls to other states, but they didn’t want to take him either. Not even Tassie. So, it became clear what I had to do: build a spaceship, Robbie!”

The Liberal MP is confident the spacecraft will get off the ground and orbit the earth for the term of Smith’s natural life. Doyle also suggested there was room enough in the rocket to house more than one child sex offender, including the infamous and recently released Mr. Baldy.

However, some conservative commentators have expressed discomfort with Doyle’s plan, saying that if pedophiles are allowed to orbit the earth, they might still be dangerous.

“Surely Mr. Doyle cannot be serious about letting pedophiles orbit the earth” said Labelled Victims of Crime Coalition chairman David Xanadu. “The telescopes they have in those spaceships are so high powered the pedophiles can actually see our kids on the playground from space!"

Xanadu plans to fight Doyle's spaceship plan until the state Opposition Leader agrees to uninstall the telescopes. Doyle is reportedly considering it.

"

Guy not big enough nerd for girl in comic book shop

"

A guy was not enough of a nerd to chat up a girl in a comic book shop yesterday, prompting bemusement, sources say. Roger Dulles, 25, was in the Cronos Comics store buying reissues of classic 1950s EC comic books when he approached Ruth Smythe, 23, with the intention of picking her up.

Reports state that Dulles attempted conversation but could not keep up with Smythe’s rapid-fire references to obscure issues of Preacher and Hellblazer. When Dulles, a systems analyst, meekly mumbled something about liking ‘that Constantine movie’, the Smythe reportedly rolled her eyes and made a sarcastic comment about his taste in big screen comic book adaptations.

After several awkward moments, Dulles ejected from the situation and left the linguistics student to herself. “I don’t understand what I did wrong” the former amateur cricketer said. “I guess women these days want a man who knows the difference between Bob Kane’s Batman and Frank Miller’s Batman.”

However, Dulles has not let this incident get him down, saying that “she wasn’t even very good looking”. He also noted that she had an undercut.

"

The Interview

"In the same week that crocodile culling is back on the agenda, the people of the coastal town of Bricksbay are sleeping comfortably tonight after the capture and execution of Ol’Toothy, the town’s famous great white shark. Ol' Toothy was believed to have killed more than 1.5 tourists over the past 40 years, although no trial was carried out. Kevin McGinley, Head of the Kill Sharky organization, is here to speak about his success."



"Now finally Bricksbay is safe from the tyranny of large fish living in their natural habitat, attacking what they perceive to be threats to their home by alien creatures. Praise the Lord!"





"Congratulations on the successful killing. You truly have blurred the line between human and non-human animals. What's next for you?"





"We're raising money for a trip to the North Pole. We hear there's a dangerous polar bear up there that's just asking for some killing. Also, the kids would like to catch a glimpse of Santa Claus. I would too, actually."




"Well, this station wishes you continued success."







"Thank you. Kill Sharky will be triumphant!"

People Everywhere Are Confusing Basketball With Middle East Conflict

"Woah, Andrew Gaze is getting pretty fired up!"








"Dude, you're thinking of Gaza"







"..."

MP Lauds Mark 8:13

"

An obscure Member of Parliament today held a press conference to remind everyone of the wisdom of the Bible passage Mark 8:13. Barrabas Michelan, indepdenent backbencher for a small rural community said there is much to be learnt from the gospels and that he had called the journalists to extol the virtues of his favourite verse.

"I want to relate to you a piece of wisdom from the very Book of all wisdom. In this troubled age, I think we can all learn from the sage-like words of Mark 8:13 - 'He left them, got back into the boat and started across to the other side of the lake', " Michelan said to a stunned congregation.

After this opening the 53 year old began a short exegesis of the meaning of the rarely quoted gospel verse, urging all who heard him to "share this wisdom and get back into our boats". As Michelan finished his conference, he was greeted with scattered applause while the assembled throng of television and print media attempted to question him. His only answer was "I think what you want to know can be found in Mark 8:13."

Christian scholars have expressed agreement with the MP's brave bringing of religion into the public sphere, though they were bemused at his choice of Gospel verse. "Whilst I applaud his intentions, Barrabas' extract from the book of Mark seemed rather arbitrary" said Father John Norton, a Catholic Priest. Protetstant cleric Barry Humphrey Bear concurred, saying he would have preferred it if the MP had instead recited Mark 6: 15, which is 'Others, however, said "He is Elijah."'

Political commentators have speculated that Michelan's press conference may have something to do with his being told earlier in the week by his PR people that voters prefer religious politicians.

"

Foregone Conclusion of the Year: the Bali Nine

"I wish you were as romantic with me as you are about your final year of High School!"

"

Honey, sit down for a second. Yes, I know you're putting the final touches on the invites to your school reunion dinner, but just put it down for a second. I have something to say. Now, you know that I'm a woman. I have needs. Sometimes I like to be given flowers. Or chocolates. Or serenaded underneath my bedroom window by the man I love. Which is you...I guess.

Do you understand what I'm saying? No, stop looking through those Year 12 photos for one second. See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. I wish you'd be romantic with me. You know, the same way you're romantic about your last year at high school. I mean, you weren't even that popular and it wasn't like you did particularly well, marks-wise. Yes, that is the truth darl.

Look, it comes down to this. While you're over there watching the amateur video of your school production of Guys and Dolls, I'm sitting here thinking about all the men - aside from you - that have made me feel pleasure. The ones that made me feel attractive and loved. Do you remember what that was like? Do you...excuse me? Hello? Am I invisible over here? Oh, right, I see. You're too busy playing the online mini golf game that you played all through VCE to keep your mind off studying - which, by the way, might explain your marks!

Right. Well, if you're not going to even listen to me, maybe you don't need to know that I've been cheating on you. Oh, you heard that, didn't you? Yes. With a man who can wine and dine me. He knows the difference between romance and romanticising. And you don't, baby. So, yeah, I'm leaving you. Come on, don't do that. What are you crying about? Oh. My tone of voice just now reminds you of your old English teacher? Right. Goodbye, Thom.

"

Breaking News: Guy At Breaking Point with Pseudo-Intellectual on Broken Down Train

"

Right now, at this very moment, a guy is sitting in a train that has broken down somewhere on the Hurstbridge line. He has somehow become engaged in a conversation with somebody he has strong suspicions could be a pseudo-intellectual. Some girl. With every sentence his new companion speaks he grows ever-annoyed. This person is talking about postmodernism but is using it only as a buzzword. Same goes for functionalism, structuralism and post-structuralism. This person, too, is pretty damn hot.

This person is name-dropping intellectuals but understands little. This person pronounces the T in Foucault and the Ls in Baudrillard. This person also seems to confuse the word 'causal' with the word 'casual'. God, are those lips naturally that sublime?

The guy is wondering how he managed to get into a conversation with this person on this carriage on this broken down train. When is this train going to get started? He shouldn't have been so friendly, noticing that the pseudo-intellectual was reading a book he was also reading. A girl who reads Bourdieu is always trouble.

Perhaps if she wasn't so damn pretty. If only she wasn't so stupid.

And now she's leaving syllables out of words. Phenology for phenomenology; moderny for modernity. The guy is pissed off. As much as he is being choked by her phony intelligence, she has the cocksure beauty of someone who never needed to learn about Ulrich Beck. But she's getting no concessions.

This person is talking about some theory of hers. Some grand universal theory of everything. It fails even the basic tenets of academic enquiry. Yet, she is transfixing.

"So, can I have your number?" she says. The guy is surprised she hasn't somehow brought this up via Pythagoras.
He is staring too deeply into her eyes, disappearing into the split-second that has space for considering that perhaps her pseudo-intellectualism would be tolerable, if only she would get a little closer.
"Yes, of course" the guy is replying.

Man, she probably pronounces the P in pseudo. The guy is wondering if the girl is that hot. He shall see.

"

Harry Houdini's Ghost Visits, Discredits Clairvoyant

"

A Melbourne 'spiritualist' was confused and distressed this week when the ghost of Harry Houdini visited her during a standard seance. Grace Moonchild, 36, said the famous magician had come to disprove the validity of her chosen profession. While alive, Houdini spent time in the 1920s debunking spiritualists and psychics, exposing their phony practices as shams. Moonchild suspects Houdini's ghost visited her in order to achieve a similar aim.

The incident has left Moonchild in an hysteric state, given the paradoxical nature of the visit. "I don't get it. If my work is a sham, how did he visit me from the spirit realm?" the mother of two said. "If the seance raised Houdini's ghost, isn't that proof that I'm not a faker?" The former school teacher also added that Houdini's ghost looked 'nothing like Tony Curtis'.

Spokesman for the Royal Society of Houdini Lovers, Gary McCormack, said that this is exactly the sort of thing Houdini would do. "It's just like good old Harry to continue in his ghostbusting pursuits; even if, by doing so, he disproves his own point" the 52 year old said. "I would warn other psychics to beware: your tricks are about to be discredited from the spirit world itself."

Moonchild said that Houdini, also famous for his abilities as an escapologist, had taunted her from the netherworld, saying "You are a charlatan and a trickster, Grace Moonchild! I have come to let all know that your supernatural powers to raise spirits are false!" The historical stunt performer also added that Moonchild's candles smelled terrible.

"

People Everywhere Are Having Strange Exchanges

“I think when people are listing surfaces they wouldn’t like to lick, I don’t think they should stop at the toilet. They should include the space of floor directly in front of the toilet, because, man, men spill”





"Why would anyone want to list surfaces they wouldn't like to lick?"








"..."

Car Wash Guy Empathises with Discovery Shuttle Crew

"

At a glance, there's not much a NASA astronaut and a local car wash assistant have in common. One goes on missions outside of the Earth's atmosphere in highly sophisticated technology; and the other washes cars with water hoses and a soap brush. However, Jonah D'Arc, head car wash assistant at the local Wash 'N Clean, has expressed his empathy with the crew of NASA space shuttle Discovery, saying he too knows how bad weather can affect one's job.

"When I heard that the Discovery's return would be postponed by at least 24 hours because of poor weather, my heart just went out to Andy Thomas and the rest of the spacemen" the 24 year old said. "Trust me: I know how annoying inclement weather can be. Just the other day I'd finished a nice wax job on this new BMW when the heavens opened up and undid all my good work. So, my thoughts and prayers are with Discovery".

As a sign of solidarity between the disparate but connected professions, D'Arc will tomorrow offer discounts to any car wash customers who can prove they are in some way supporting the Discovery crew.

"

People Everywhere Are Talking About Marrying Above Their Station

"I think I need to marry above my station to have a comfortable life. Someone rich, like the Queen."

"I think being married to the Queen would probably be a vastly unfulfilling experience."

"But I think that's what marriage probably is; so why shouldn't I have the best? That's all I'm saying."


""Well, my fiance is a Melbourne Arts student, but I'm a La Trobe Law student.
Which of us is marrying above our station?"

"That's a tough one."

Porn Actress Thinks She'll Be A Star One Day

"

Delusional 19 year old porn actress Tracy Bing has expresed ambition beyond her station, saying she will be a star one day. On the set of the latest installment of internet based adult video Inside Teens , in which she will be violated in three holes and then take a load in the face, the former hair and beauty student said that 'Adult is just a stepping stone to bigger and better things" and "One day I'll look back on this with my kids and laugh".

Bing's deluded opinion of her chances of success in and out of the adult entertainment industry is a common one. Inside Teens producer John Speck says he regularly sees girls like Bing espousing 5 year plans for success. "They all come here saying they want to be great actresses, with porn simply being the launching pad" the 46 year old said. "I see them again in maybe 6 months, and their priorities are a little different. Now it's all about doing enough scenes to buy enough crank to get them through the week; or them begging me to find a new orifice to fuck, since no-one will hire them if they give it all away in their first shoot."

However, Speck's realism has not deterred Bing from her longterm goal of winning an Oscar. "I think a lot of people are just really negative. That and jealous" the aspiring star said. "They see that I have the potential to win an Oscar or a Ralph Magazine poll - either would be good - and they start bitching behind your back about how your A2M looked gross or how your DVDA looked computer generated and blah blah. Whatever, screw those hoes."

Tracy Bing will appear in Inside Teens 24 this week, and hopes to get a regular stint on Neighbours, in accordance with her 5 year plan.

"

"Why doesn't Britney Spears have a Salieri to her Mozart?"

"

I think it's about time the general public recognised that the pop stars of our day and age are, in fact, very much comparable to the composers of old. You know the ones I'm talking about; those old dead white guys in wigs. Like Mozart. Now, seriously, you can't tell me that Britney Spears isn't the modern day Mozart. After all, they both wrote music - to some extent - commisioned by people with power and wealth. Mozart had the Emperor Joseph; Britney has Sony. They both have had substance abuse problems, although Britney's isn't publicised (I have my sources).

OK, so there are differences too. Mozart will be remembered for as long as human beings care to exist on this planet. Britney...well, let's just say it's no secret her star is fading. And, yeah, Britney has been married a few times already, whereas Mozart was married only once, to Constanze. Of course, he wasn't faithful and very likely contracted syphilis from multiple ladies of the night. Britney arguably is more faithful than that. Arguably.

So, what I'm really saying is, since she is today's analog to Mozart, why doesn't Britney Spears have a Salieri, a rival who is trying his best to bring about the genius' downfall? It seems that while Mozart was constantly blocked by Salieri and even driven more sick and mad than he already was by his cruel and unusual anonymous behaviour, Britney has managed in the music world without such a jealous rival. And I'm wondering why. Is her genius not as comparable to Mozart's as I previously thought? Have times changed so much since the late 18th century? Are jealous rivals a relic from a time long ago? These are questions for the scholars, of course. But it makes you wonder.

"

"Sure I'll do jury duty. On one condition: I want Joe Korp's case"

"

Dear Juries Commissioner's Office,

Pursuant to your letter of August 4th and the Juries Act 2000, my presence has been requested for jury service during the period 19 September to 25th of Novemeber. Now, originally I had planned on attempting to politely decline because of my full-time student status or advanced age of something, but I've now come to the conclusion that I would love to do jury duty on one very simple condition: I want the Joe Korp case.

Now, I realise there's no way you could organise for this to happen. At least, not 'legally'. But, I've known enough shady characters in my time to understand that business done 'behind the books', as it were, is very common. So common that I can't see how the Juries Commisssioner could have an ethical problem with it. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me explain the conditionality of my jury service.

It's no secret that Joe Korp's attempted-murder charge will be upgraded to a murder charge now that his wife has died after that feeding tube incident. It's also no secret that the trial will be a pretty high-profile case. Now, this is a very good situation - not for Joe or Maria, I'm sure; but for me, an aspiring celebrity. I can think of no way to better fast track my rise to the top of the pop culture pile by being the 'cool' juror, you know.

I understand that it's all meant to be confidential. And, yeah, I understand that Victoria doesn't have the kind of show-trial supporting media that, say, the Michael Jackson case does. But nonetheless, I think there's a likelihood that a young, good looking, media-savvy personality like myself serving on the jury of a famous case would be advantageous to both my own career and the Juries Commissioner's Office in general. After all, you can't tell me the Juries Commissioner's Office is overexposed, now can you? Frankly, I'd fire your current PR guy. I hadn't even heard of you before this nice templated letter yesterday.

So, there's my proposal. I'll do jury duty if you can somehow 'guarantee' I will be on the jury for Joe Korp's impending murder trial. Note I said jury, not jury pool. I'm sure you can find a way to make sure I'm not peremptorily struck.

Regards
(Name Witheld)

"

"He's got no arms or legs? I guess I just don't notice peoples' disabilities"

"

So, I was talking to Jeremy just before right and..which Jeremy? You know, he's got, like, blue eyes, he's shortish...The disabled one? Um, let me think Gee, now that I think about it, you're right: Jeremy has no arms or legs. How about that? I guess I just don't notice things like that, you know. I take a person for who they are, as a whole. I don't divide people into categories of 'having legs' and 'not having legs'.

And you know what, man? I'm a little offended that you would even refer to my mate Jeremy like that, actually. Why do you have to define people by their exterior? You wouldn't like it I was talking about you and I was all like...judging you and shit. And don't say you're not, because you are. You are judging Jeremy because he happens to have no limbs whereas I do. In fact, now that I think about it, I've never even noticed that I do have limbs. I'm just who I am, just like Jeremy is who he is. I'm pretty sure that he's never noticed that he has no limbs, either. You doubt that? Well, you, my friend, are nothing short of a bigot.

People should not judge books by their covers. That way people would get to experience human relations at a deeper level.You know, I think it would be much better if everybody in the world was just unable to see anything about anyone else that was different. I think the world would be a much better place then. We'd all be brothers and sisters in a massive floating love fest. Right?

In fact, I'm not sure I can even be friends with somebody so prejudiced as you. Someone who would not only notice, but actually bring up the tiny detail that Jeremy has no arms and legs. You're really an awful person for even seeing people in terms of their limb-status. It just gets me so angry!

Anyway, I was talking to Jeremy and he...well, he asked me to invite you to his birthday party. Me? No, he hasn't gotten around to inviting me yet. Whatever, I probably have something on that day anyway.

"

TV Show Given Until First Ad Break To Find Audience

"

In a move that is fast becoming the norm for new television programmes, Channel 7 this week has given first-run Australian comedy show 'Milanovic's Can Machine Slam' until its first commercial break to 'find its audience'.

The show, 6 months in the making using relatively unknown cast and crew is set to air tonight in between 'Border Security' and 'Medical Emergency'. If ratings are not good in the first seven minutes, the station will pull the show off the air immediately, replacing it with repeats of the hilarious 90s sitcom 'Home Improvement', which research shows audiences love to death.

This controversial policy has superseded the previous Channel 7 doctrine of playing musical chairs with a new programme, changing a new show's timeslot and day on a weekly basis. Executives for the television network are reported to have stated this new 'zero tolerance' approach to bad ratings is a much more efficient way to make sure nothing subversive or, worse, original slips through the sieve of network programming.

Cancelling a show after a poor seven minute performance also effectively negates the need to pay to fund new Australian content. Russ Moyer, TV executive for Channel 7 said the message would be sent to the creative community that 'we don't want new content'. 'Why should we make our own shows when we can just buy some American imports?' the 52 year old said. 'After all, if Aussie shows were any good, people would watch them, right?'

When asked to predict 'Milanovic's Can Machine Slam's' success tonight, Moyer simply laughed. It airs tonight, quite possible for only 7 minutes, on Channel 7.

"

Senior

INT - COUNCIL OFFICE - DAY
An office, mid-morning, doing good business. There is a line of elderly people queuing up to a booth.
There is also a young man at the front of the line. A bell rings.

APPLICATION LADY
Next please.

YOUNG MAN
Hi. I'd like to apply for a senior citizen's card.

APPLICATION LADY
I bet you would.
(beat)
No, seriously. How can I help you?

YOUNG MAN
That's what I want. A senior's card.

APPLICATION LADY
I'll be happy to....in about fifty years. Right now you're
just a tad too young.

YOUNG MAN
No. You don't understand. I'm ill.

APPLICATION LADY
Aren't we all, my boy. Pharmacy's down the road.

YOUNG MAN
What I mean is, I'm dying.
(beat)
I want a senior citizen's card because, you know, for all
intents and purposes I am aged...

APPLICATION LADY
Excuse me? You have got to be joking. What are you dying of?

YOUNG MAN
Something serious. Look, I've got my ID right here. Just...
(begins to break down) I...I...just want the same concessions made of
other people who are...(sniffs)...this close to the end.

APPLICATION LADY
I see. Let me get the manager.

She slips out for a moment, while the young man patiently waits, rocking back and forth on his heels. She returns with a man in a suit and glasses.

MANAGER
So, young man. I understand you have a very unusual request. Now, I'm
a compassionate man. I see your distress. I think, just this once, we can
make an exception to our...somewhat agesist rules.

The manager takes the young man's ID and begins filling out a senior's card application.

YOUNG MAN
Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. I'll make sure my family invites you
to my funeral.

MANAGER
Here you go, your own senior's card. I hope you get at least some enjoyment
out of it.

YOUNG MAN
Oh, I will.
(about face, jumps up and points at the Manager and Application Lady)
Suckers!

The young man runs away, giggling.

APPLICATION LADY
Poor kid. He's delusional.

It is now revealed that the Application Lady's booth has a sign above it that says "Applications for Sponge Cake Contest". The camera further pulls back to reveal a table to the right of the booth with a vast array of sponge cakes with numbers on them. It's a senior's cake competition, clearly.

End.