Teen Kind to Everyone, Video Games Blamed

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A teenage boy's continued good behaviour at school and home has been linked to his love of video games. Michael Kesic, 15, this week admitted to his parents and teachers that the source of his desire to behave well and be kind to his peers stems from his favourite hobby of playing Xbox games on a nightly basis.

Teachers of the A+ student from his Glen Iris high school have expressed some shock at this admission but were relieved that his gregarious nature was not the result of drug abuse.

"Well, I always knew there was something wrong with Michael, being nice and calm all the time", English teacher Gwen McLaughlin said. "But, I always thought his being affable was something to do with good parenting. Hearing that video games are to blame, I just don't know what to think"

Kesic's favourite video games include the violent sci-fi fantasies Halo and Halo 2, along with the sniper role-playing thriller Splinter Cell. "Yeah, I play these violent games so much that it makes violent behaviour an abstraction to me" said the VCE student. "It seems completely untenable to actually treat people badly."

At a glance, Kesic's permanent record is a model of upstanding and outstanding performance. His behaviour even seemed to improve and his marks show an upward turn around the same time he started playing video games more regularly.

Michael's mother, Donna Kesic, 46, says she is extremely proud of her son and wishes more teens would follow his example. "All I can hope is that more parents will buy violent video games for their children so they can learn to associate violence with the world of television and not the world in which we live and breath"

Summing up his personality and outlook on life, Kesic said "Yeah, I guess I'm pretty much a nice guy. Just make sure you're not a Covenant alien while the Master Chief's in the bushes!"

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Mummy! Mummy!

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"Mummify, do you think you've been anthropomorphised since your death?"







"No. No I do not."











"Right. Well, folks, you heard it right from the horse's mouth: Mummify, the dead race horse, has not been anthropomorphised. Thanks, Mum."









"No problem, Bruce."






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"I'd like to thank Ed Gein for all the great movies he inspired"

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Look, I think we should just take a minute or two here to salute a person who is, really, a great inspiration to the art of film-making. No, it's not Hitchcock. It's not even Bergman. Nor Truffaut. No, the motion picture hero - and I don't use that word lightly - is none other than notorious serial killer Ed Gein. OK, calm down. I know what you're thinking. Your mind's going a million miles a minute with thoughts like "But didn't he murder numermous people and rob graves to descrates corpses?"; "Didn't he make a waistcoat out of a vagina and breasts as well as a belt made of human nipples?" and "Didn't he practice cannibalism and necrophilia after his nutcase mother died leaving him all alone in the world?"

And you'd be right in thinking those things. Maybe even right in saying, nay screaming them. But despite Gein's murderous nature - or perhaps because of it - he has cemented himself into the canon of Hollywood stardom. Why he doesn't have his own star outside Mann's Chinese Theater with his hand prints forever immortalised in cement?

After all, Ed Gein is the man who, through serial killing, grave descration, cannibalism and other quite-nasty things, inspired the classic films Psycho, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the Silence of the Lambs, to mention only a few. These films have been influential in film-making and modern movies are indebted to them for their groundbreaking depictions of what are, essentially, Ed Gein's quirks. By the way, you like that Slayer song 'Dead Skin Mask'? Well, that's a song about ol' Eddie too.

So, all I'm saying is, let's give credit where credit is due. The world of movies is better for having depicted the depravity of Mr. Gein and I think we should not be stingy in paying homage to him where ever we can. Think about it folks. You love Hannibal Lecter and Buffalo Bill? You think Leatherface was kinda cool? You think Norman Bates was a great character? None of those creations would be diddly squat without Ed Gein. My hero and yours. God bless you, where ever you may be.

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Converse

"It's so hard to keep up with what everyone you used to know is doing with themselves"









"I just assume everyone is doing commerce"









"Why's that?"










"It sounds boring and realistic enough for these people. Plus, it means you don't have to talk to annoying people since nobody wants to admit they don't know what commerce is"








"Uh huh. So, what are you doing again?"










"Commerce"









"Touche"

Things to Ban to Stop Terrorism

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- Wrist watches: terrorists synchronise their watches in attacks. No watches = no terrorism.

- Daylight : terrorist usually strike during the day. If we can block out the sun, no terrorism.

- Pop Music: isn't it obvious that this is all, somehow, the fault of Australian Idol?

- Backpacks, briefcases, clothes with pockets etc.: nothing to carry bombs in = no bombs.

- Merrick and Rosso: while we're getting rid of stuff....

- Bars, Clubs, etc.: No buildings to blow up= no buildings being blown up.

- Recreation: people not going out = people not going out and getting blown up.

- Lax dress codes: terrorists don't dress up to die. Harsh dress code policy = no terrorism.

- Science: no bomb-making technology = no bombs being made.

- Cameras: no pictures of terrorism = no terrorism.

- Suicide: suicide bombers should probably be given the death penalty, since the death penalty is a deterrent to crime. Deterrent to terrorism = no terrorism

- The word 'terrorism': no word for terrorism = no terrorism.

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"If you inform yourself, the terrorists win"

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The time has come for extreme measures. It is now no longer enough to simply watch the news, hope and pray that something terrible doesn't happen to you, either on home soil or visiting Asian tourist resorts very much resembling Queensland. No, dear readers, desperate times have arrived and I think this much is clear: if you're informed, the terrorists have won. Yes, you read that right. If you watch television, read newspapers and talk to people about current events, you may as well be harbouring suicide bombers under your stairwell.

I think it is obvious that with every 'news' report that flashes across your TVs, the terrorists smile. If you, as a Westerner, allow yourself to become engaged with the world in which you live and accept that things actually are happening outside your front door, you are devoting your precious thoughts to the terrorists' cause and therefore supporting them mentally: even if you don't know it.

Thinking about terrorism, knowing about previous terrorist attacks and predicting future attacks only encourages them. Can you not see that every time the Herald Sun prints a front page stating "Bali Bombs - Not an anniversary issue; a new attack", the terrorist gods smile upon our foolishness? The people in charge of the media conglomerates really ought to be rethinking their dissemination strategies. One suggestion from this humble commentator: repeats of 'Hey Dad' all day, every day. That will stop people thinking about terrorism. Of course, they'll have to censor that final season where Mr Kelly goes to live in Saudi Arabia.

So, what am I suggesting? Well, I'm glad you asked. The only way we can beat the kind of people who would walk into a bar with a backpack - speaking of which, what is the dress code up there in Bali, anyway? - and blow themselves up is to not regard them. That means cut off communication with friends, family, neighbours, internet, newspaper, television and radio. The situation is too dire to allow yourself to even think about this. All right. Now turn off your computer.

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