Graffiti Artists Declare War on Art Galleries

"

Prominent graffiti artists in Melbourne have declared their intentions to rid the city of the ‘scourge of legitimate art’ currently being fostered in institutions like the National Gallery of Victoria.

This apparent turf war does not end at art galleries alone. Any space, public or private, that may house artworks or hang paintings on walls; such as libraries, council offices and schools may be subject to attacks by the so-called Art Jihad group.

Senior member of the paramilitary spray-painting clique Darryl ‘Daz’ Edwards says that the time has come for a full-on assault against art galleries and their ilk, calling on all citizens to stop this ‘menace on good taste’.

“It’s not only ugly, it’s a serious criminal offence, or at least it should be” Edwards said in a statement released today, referring to the ‘rogue galleries’ that operate without government funding. “It’s ugly, distracting and not a very good example for other nations, considering the Commonwealth Games are coming up”.

However, the CEO of the Victorian Art Galleries Association had a different take on the issue. “We are sick of our work being undermined by the presence of public spaces that condone art in some forms, but not others” Stuart McGraw said. “Artworks hung or erected inside buildings and galleries have just as much validity as those spray-painted on trains and fences.”

Works of ‘art’ in galleries deprive councils of an estimated $1.6 million in revenues each year.

"

Mediocre Cops Die Suddenly

"

Victoria Police were indifferent today as they learned that two of their least capable members had died suddenly while on a bus trip in the Middle East. Lt. Joanne Glynn and Sgt. Jack Crawford, both described by VicPol staff documents as "medicore employees, pending serious review ", were on a tour bus of an undisclosed location when a fork in the road caused the vehicle to swerve suddenly and crash, killing an undisclosed number of people. The fork was unharmed.

Senior members of the Victoria Police organization have expressed distanced sympathy with the victims' families, but added that their deaths will "in no way hinder the Police as an organization or cause us much professional grief".

This echoed the approach of Police Commissioner Dick Nixon, who said he had that while he had a moral duty to feel pity for the dead and their families, it should be made clear that "Not all cops are great and not all dead people die heroes".

However, interviews with lower-level employees of the force yielded fond memories of Glynn, with one Constable remarking that "you could always count on Joanne for a laugh, from the time she made an arrest while naked to the time she almost filled out her paperwork correctly".

Upon being asked to recall Crawford, the constable replied "Who?"

The two deceased Police members will not be given a state funeral.

"

Long Weight

INT - CAFE - DAY
A heavy-set waitress walks over to a table carrying a coffee. One person is seated, reading the paper.

WAITRESS
(apologetic)
Sorry about the wait...

PATRON
(looking up briefly, then back to paper)
That's OK. You're not that fat!

Long pause. Waitress exits.

END