"God is telling me to eat this cheese sandwich"

"

I know it might not be very 'politically correct' and I'm sure the liberal media will be just waiting to bag me out but I'm telling you, God wants me to eat this cheese sandwich. He planted the idea inside my head like the benveolent being He is and guided my hands through every step of the process: defrosting the bread, cutting the cheese, buttering the slices; even when I nicked my hand with the knife. God must have been teaching me a lesson about responsibility or something. Ah, that God, that's such a 'Him' thing to do.

Anyway, now that the preparation is done, it is clear to me that God wants me to eat this cheese sandwich, almost like a sacrifice to His power and glory. Because, you know, it's not just the grand gestures that make one's life spiritual and holy. It's the everyday, the regular - yes, you might even say the mundane - that shows that God is truly within, without and between us at all times. He exists in the space between me and the delicious cheesy goodness of this sandwich, made from the simplest of materials - processed and refined carbohydrates and dairy products. When I close that gap between the sandwich and my mouth, it's like I'm kissing God right on his bearded face. And that's the most beautiful thing of all.

So, here's to you, oh mighty cheese sandwich maker in the sky. And here's to your love. Amen.

"

Suggestions for New Punishments

- Sitting down with drug mules and forcing them to use all 150 kilos of heroin they've smuggled, just to show them how wrong it is.

- Virtual Execution, where 'death' row inmates can no longer live in the real world. They have to live in a simulacrum of 'life', like the Matrix .

- Curfews for people under the age of 20. Because, you know how adolescents are known for obeying their elders.

- Consider the sociological context of the crime committed and punish each member of society equally. Possibly with mandatory viewing of Merrick and Rosso's various television work.

- Put rioters on a deserted island together with only one bandana between them.

- Forcing sex offenders to hug their victims. Not too hard though.

- Imprisonment for talking back to a teacher in high school. That will teach them to respect authority figures.

- Offenders are sent back in time to 19th century London and are forced to live with Bill Sykes, Fagin and the Artful Dodger.

- Choice between gaol, the armed services or Big Brother.

- Public spankings. Tissues will be handed out if anyone gets too excited.

- A formal 'Corner' that offenders have to sit in for, like, almost all of lunchtime.

- Forced musket duels between offenders. The winner gets a reduced prison sentence.

- 60 Minutes interviews and $40,000 pay-outs.

- Sending offenders directly to hell, because they are evil.

- Mandatory Sentencing and zero-tolerance policing. (Just kidding. We don't want to get crazy).

"Dude, you should so read A Tale of Two Cities"

"

Dude, did you just tell me that you, convicted drug-trafficker Tuong Van Nguyen, currently on death row in Singapore, have a twin brother? A twin brother that was in debt and is, in fact, the reason you, Van Nguyen, took the drug-mule job? Dude! That is the shit! I hope you're a fan of Dickens, because I think A Tale of Two Cities would so be up your alley.

Dig: A Tale of Two Cities is about these two dudes who look alike and are in love with the same woman. And one of them, right, gets sentenced to be killed by Madame Gulliotine. But - and this is the part that concerns you, my friend - the other dude takes his place so the other can live happily ever after with the woman he loves. Talk about sacrifice! Does this sound pertinent to you, Van Nguyen? I bet you're wishing you'd taken literature when you could have, right?

Anyway, with this is mind I think it's clear what you should do: the ol' switcheroo. Look, I know for a fact that in the last few days before your imminent execution, you'll be allowed more visits than usual. So, how about you get your brother to visit you?

Then, the tricky part: he visits you in your cell and you distract the prison guard with a pithy comment like "Boy, I bet after I've been executed I'll really have learnt my lesson and be able to be reintegrated into society" or "Look at that thing behind you!". Whatever, just make sure that the guard doesn't see you and your brother swap clothes, so that he is now in your prison gear and you're in his, like, Fila jacket or whatever.
Then, you (as your brother) say "OK, bro, I'm off. See you in the next life" and leave quickly, leaving your twin brother - the one that got you into this mess - on death row.

And as he walks those few feet to the gallows for you on December 2, he can utter those immortal words, "It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known". After all, I think the dude owes you.

"

"If you promise not to stage a major terrorist attack, I'll give you some of this chocolate"

"
Ok, so...I know your friends are up to something. No, no, don't deny it. I don't really want to know. I mean, I realise you're disaffected with your station in life, especially since everyone assumes you're a terrorist and now your mechanics business will probably go down the gurgler. But, here's the thing: I have some chocolate, right here. And, you know, this chocolate is pretty fricken awesome. I mean, it's so good that I can't just give it all to you: I got it from that place down the road that's only open like, one day a week because the rest of the time they are perfecting the batches they make.

So, here's what I'm proposing: if you promise me that you and your mates aren't planning some kind of major terrorist attack, I'll give you some of this chocolate.

That's a pretty sweet deal if you ask me. After all, it's not like you have to acknowledge what I've said by giving away any secret information or anything. All you have to do is maybe nod a little bit and take some of this sweet dairy-milk chocolate from me. That will be the social contract between us. And if there's no major terrorist attack, then I'll know you kept up your end of the bargain. But if there is, oh boy, you're gonna be in big trouble.

I say this with the confidence that you're not the suicide-bomber type. I figure you're more of a low-level employee in the foot-clan terror association. I mean, you just bought a PSP: hardly the sort of investment one makes if an imminent suicide attack is about to be staged. Am I right or am I right? I also say with complete confidence that this chocolate is so good that it will make you rethink any plans you and your jihad-buddies might be thinking about. Seriously.

So, there's my proposition. I know it's not much, but this is all I really have the power to offer you, my accused friend. Had I the power I'm sure that I'd do all I could to dissaude you from whatever course of action you might be thinking about taking. Anyway, my cards are on the table. The chocolate is melting a blob in my pocket, so you might want to make up your mind. But, whatever. I'll pick up my car tomorrow.
"

People Everywhere Are Thwarting

"Ok, so I went into the future of a parallel universe and, you know what? The 'major terrorist attack' that was thwarted today was actually only going to be a minor terrorist attack.

So, like, what I'm saying is, we needn't have thwarted it. A minor one we can handle. We can handle that shit so much that we're better of talking about Industrial Relations reforms instead.

After all, if we mention we thwarted a terrorist attack, the terrorists win.

Now, can you help me do up my bra?"

Thwarting Time

"I think if you ever get sent back to the past and you only have time to grab one thing from the present, consider making it mouthwash. You might get sent back hundreds of years, to when personal hygiene wasn't too popular. Think about it."





"Getting sent back in time might help thwart further major terrorist attacks."





"..."

Entire PostSecret Site Work of One Lonely Guy

"

In a shock announcement to the internet community, today popular internet site postsecret.blogspot.com was revealed to be the work of just one sad dude, rather than thousands of sad dudes, as had been common belief. Darryl Turner, 38, said it was finally too big a secret to keep to himself and 'pretty much goes against the idea of the site, which is revealing secrets".

Somewhat fittingly, the revelation was announced as a postsecret postcard entry, with the text "I make up all the secrets on this site but pretend they are from different people" scrawled over a blank postcard with a sad face drawn in black marker. "I tried to find a postcard that had a painting of a weeping clown on it, but the store was shut by the time I got there, so I had to settle on making my own" said Turner, a certified accountant.

However, the response to Turner's revelation has not been pretty, with many people feeling cheated by the ruse. "I projected a lot of my own feelings onto those postsecret entries" said sales assistant Joan Pilsner, 24. "Now I feel like my empathy was in vain. I hate feeling like my empathy was in vain, you know?"

"It's just like this guy made me feel sorry for all those people and now it turns out he's the only one who we were feeling sorry for" said mechanic Jake Dwyer, 30. "That pisses me off because, like, I don't want him having all the sympathy. That sympathy was meant for everyone, not just him!"

Turner himself says he cannot apologise for his actions but he will happily pay fifty dollars to anyone who sends him an invoice for "Emotional Damages". He promises.

"

Guest Columnist: Baby Francis

"

Goo gaa! Gaaaa! Uh hooo aah ha ha haha. Gaaalk brrr ump kskik! Ma ma goo golg, ksikmsnahnph, quaa? Wooo hehehe!! Ga ga ga gagaga goo goo ga ga gaaa ga. Ha la la goo ga gaa gagaga wooo daaa. Daaa daa dadaaa, la goo ga ga. Gaaaagagaga! Loo la la ksssssidn kernipp mllllk gooo gaa. Goo gaa! Gaaaa! Lazy. Uh hooo aah ha ha llk haha. Mama mamaaa miiiii ga goooo ga ghagaga.

Frrpk na na maaa da da goo ga la ma hmm. Ya yoo gaaak, ya yo gak, frin knaa, ma neees spee nlki la! Goo ga ya yo yo gak na. Goo gleee slee me ma ma dadaes quen nah go go ggggaaa! Kawn ya yo gaak? Ga Busy gaga goo goo ga ga gaaa ga. Ha la lana klm nah soo goo wooo.

Pssh dadaada ma goo haa gaa yak yoo. Dadada shee trrn. Goo go go haga ga aklrkefg!!! Ya taal gak yo yo? ZMa mama. Uh hooo aah ha ha llk haha. Mama mamaaa miiiii ga goooo ga ghagaga. Ah dad ama mamaaa miiiii ga goooo ga ghagaga. Geerrp la na coo woo whookam.

"