Religion good, Satan bad

"
All right, everybody, quieten down for a second. I’ll try not to take up too much of your time, but what I have to say is pretty important, so if there’s room enough, quickly take a seat on the grass there. Right. Hands up if you’ve never been to a lynching before. Uh huh, I see. Plenty of newcomers then, but that’s fine. Well, it’s a simple procedure: we break down the door…What? I’m trying to speak here. Yes, there will be refreshments afterwards. OK so…what? No, you should have gone before we got here.

Ok, from now on, hands up if you want to ask a question. Oh dear. Look, put your hands down and I’ll get to your questions at the end if you’re still unsure.
Anyway, as I was saying, we burst in the front door and drag the bastard out…Huh? No, I don’t think we should knock first. We’re about to hang the man from this tree here in his own front yard, I think we’re beyond niceties at this point! Besides, what did I say about putting your hands up?

Right, so we burst in, drag the bastard outside and string him up with this here rope…Um, where’s the rope guys? Dylan? Shane? Oh great, so you’ve forgotten to do the one job I thought you could handle. You’re in big trouble when we get home.

Oh great, now look what you’ve done! Someone’s coming out of the house. Shh! Maybe he won’t see us. Damn. ..Uh, us, sir? We’re just…oh dear. Well, I won’t lie to you, Mister. We’re here to drag you out of your house and hang you from this tree. Yeah…Why? Oh well...you know. We heard a rumour...yes, a rumour. From Sister Brigita, if you must know. Rope? Well, yeah, somebody forgot the rope...Anyway, that’s beside the point. You are a Satanist and we’re here to hang you for your un-Christian behaviour. What’s that? Oh, now you want to explain yourself. Well you should have thought of that before you sold your soul to the devil…what’s that? Well, don’t Satanists kill babies and sacrifice virgins and stuff? Huh? Anton La-Who?
Hey, listen Mister, don’t try and fool me. I’m a churchgoing man. I’ve read the Bible! I know what Satanism is! Pardon? Are…really? Satanism is an egoistic personal philosophy? Well, maybe I could accept that…Oh come on, Christianity is not more superstitious than Satanism…Really?

Hmm, I suppose you have a point. Maybe I should know more about the issue before I resort to such drastic measures but…But…Yeah. Look, I'll tell it to you straight. The boys were really keen to go out tonight and an old fashioned lynching is just the thing to buoy their spirits. Yeah, you’re right. Sorry.
See you at market on Saturday. Nighty night! God bless. Oops.

Ok, change of plans boys. No lynching tonight. We can still have Mrs Teasdale’s cucumber sandwiches and coffee at the civic centre, though. I apologise for the inconvenience. Except Dylan and Shane. You don’t get any refreshments. You’re a bloody disappointment.

"

The Handgun's Perspective

"

Hi, I’m a handgun, Victoria Police’s best friend. A sweet, old .38-calibre Smith and Wesson revolver is what I am, baby. Despite evidence that suggests that my presence not only endangers the lives of suspects (Shepparton, Brooklyn) and the general public, but also police officers (Tony Clarke this week) unnecessarily, there’s been very little talk about getting rid of me. I’ll tell you why.

You see, taking me out of the police officer’s superhero utility belt would constitute a symbolic affront to the authority of the police institution. This is good for me since, despite handguns doing little for actual self-defence (police officers are more likely to be injured when attacked with bodily force than by guns, thus making guns often an over-reaction to a situation), people associate guns with police inexplicably and it has become a cultural artefact in many Western nations.
Police themselves even consider guns to be an important aspect in how they exert their power. In fact, the general public are so ignorant to the actual roles the police perform that the idea of a police force without guns – like in the UK – is silly. Remember that woman at the start of Bowling for Columbine that said the only reason people call the police is because they have guns? People like her help me out a great deal. You can’t tell them policing isn’t as dangerous a job as construction work.

You would think that after 4 incidents (Wayne Joannou, Mohamed Chaouk, Lee Wally Kennedy and Tony Clarke) in Victoria this year with police involving guns (this most recent one involving a police officer being shot dead for no good reason), more people would be up in arms – no pun intended – about the overuse of guns. But no, it looks as though I’ll be safe. Public discourse has been focussed more on stopping solo patrols and making the belt more secure rather than on safer measures such as tasers, nets and the like.

Guns are just too sexy to throw away. There has to be some semblance of masculinity in this increasingly feminized society. Police guns are the last bastion of that cause. The public perception is that guns defend more people than they hurt. And that’s fine by me.

I’m very glad that I have such a symbolic stranglehold on the population. From where I’m sitting, in the dignified and respected leather belt of the Victoria Police, there doesn’t seem to be any stopping me and my impact. That is, of course, until they replace me with the apparently ‘much safer’ semi-automatic weapon.

Oh, boy. What a day that will be.

"

'Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down.'


Link1
Link2

Terrorists are Film Buffs

"
A new video claiming to be the work of terrorist network al-Qaeda has been analysed by the country's foremost cinema experts who have found that it definitely has been influenced by cinema greats Orson Welles and Sergei Eisenstein.

Felicity Collic, director of the Australian Society of Cinema Studies, had this to say:
' The Islamic terrorists have clearly been influenced by the film greats of the early 20th century. Just look at the framing of bin Laden as he reads out his latest threat to "Crush the infidel empires". That's pure Hitchcock. Notice how each shot of the American flag burning is progressively shorter than the last, adding to the suspense. That's Eisenstein down to a tee."

Lacking, however, said Collic was the script. Gone was the post-deconstructionist subversion of the modern theocratic state and in its place is the same old 'crush the infidels' that has been in vogue for the past 8 years. ' When they first did the crush the infidels shtick, it had the shock factor and the middle eastern zeitgeist' Collic said. 'Now it sounds hackneyed and tired. I'd give it 1 and a half out of 5'.

"

In other headline news:
‘Uproariously’ used with verb other than ‘laugh’
Fading Star Announces New Reality Show with Gun pressed to temple
Man in touch with Inner Child charged with inner-paedophilia
Britney Spears’ fetus aborts itself

In Bed with Benedict Sixteen

"
The new Pope Benedict XVI does not just have a catchy name going for him. He’s got a great new relevant theology for the 21st century and a German accent to boot.
In his speech to the world’s 1.1 billion Catholics, the man formerly known as Joseph Ratzinger was clear and concise.
‘First of all, no fucking people of the same gender!’ his loving voice was heard to say. ‘That shit’s gross. Also, women still will not be allowed be wear these dresses that us Holy Men wear. You women, really, should be very ashamed of yourselves for even existing. If God wanted you to be more than incubators He would have given you brains as well as child-bearing hips’.

But the fun didn’t stop there, with the police officer’s son declaring ‘Sex should only be about procreation. When a man ejaculates the only thing on his mind should be children.’

Much has been made of the fact that this new Pope was close friends with the late Pope John Paul II and that the two are very similar. Benedict XVI, however, dismisses such a notion. ‘Nonsense’ said the 78 year old pontiff. ‘I’m much more vibrant and youthful. I can even stand up, when I want to’.

Further to this new Pope’s agenda is to quash all talk of child molestation. ‘What happens in the rectory stays in the rectory’ was his comment on the issue. However, he is keen to point out that he is sick of this ‘moral relativism’ that has engulfed the world of late and stresses that children molested by Catholic priests were ‘more full of the Holy Spirit’ than those children simply molested by family members, friends or proponents of a rite of passage whereby young boys must become men by consuming male fluids.

Considered a ‘transition pontiff’ because of his advanced age, Pope Benedict XVI confesses that what has really been on his mind of late is what God will give him upon entering heaven.
‘I’ve been praying rather hard so they get my “welcome” gift just right. I’ve heard around the traps that when John Paul II got to the pearly gates they’d only presented him with a copy of the One True Text – and it was the Koran' the international symbol of peace said. 'So, I certainly don’t want that to happen to me and I’ll definitely be on my knees this week a lot more than usual’.

Rumours that the new pontiff was waiting in the wings for months for Pope John Paul II to die have arisen from the strange comments that Mr. Ratzinger made regarding the former Pope. ‘I am, of course, opposed to helping somebody die – call it euthanasia if you will – but surely God could see to it in His wisdom that [John Paul II] makes a speedy exit’ he said two weeks ago.

The German Pontiff has also asked that his Popemobile be made out of a Volkswagen.
"

Heidegger Romani muses about his 'blogger's block' 

Guy Spends Entire Day Thinking About What to Write in Blog

"
A guy spent his whole day thinking about the possible topics he could write on in his web-log today. Area man Heidegger Romani told this paper that he was having a hard time with the demands of constant creativity. The author of the ‘You can’t spell musing without “us”’ blog said he had ‘no freaking idea’ what his new entry could be and worried throughout the day how this writer’s block might put a damper on his reputation.
‘In the blogging community, I’m known for my daily or twice-daily entries on topics as diverse as how much I hate my family to the trace elements of faecal matter found on toothbrushes!’ said the former IT student. ‘It’s a known fact that I’m a safe bet for a night’s worth of good reading. I’m actually pretty worried’
So far the 22 year old has weighed up his blogging choices, but he keeps drawing blanks. ‘Over breakfast I thought about writing on how funny pedometers are and how the name sounds like a measurement device for child molesters’ Romani said. ‘I decided against it because that joke’s way too good to give away for free. I’ll save it for my stand up routine’
In our exclusive interview with the aspiring online-star, ‘Rocking’ Romani said he had only ever experienced this kind of creative block before. ‘I was trying to come up with a parody title for the film Miss Congeniality. All I could come up with was Miss Congenitallyawfulitanyofcrap. Which was pretty good, but not up to the high standards my readers expect of me.’
While Romani had been nervous all day, he said he now feels confident he’ll come up with something before the day’s end. When asked what he thinks he'll actually come up with for tonight's entry, Romani replied ‘Oh, I’ll think of something.’

"

Nikki Motherfucking Sixx, bitch 

A child's cry against superstition

"

Mr Bolt, my name is Sibongile and I’m an eight year old African girl. Recently I contracted AIDS when I was raped by a family friend who was trying to rid himself of the virus. You see, where I live there is a myth left over from the 19th century that having sex with a virgin will cure disease. I have read your opinion piece in today’s Herald Sun where you respond to claims by the ‘Left’ that the Pope exacerbated the African AIDS pandemic by disallowing condoms. You suggest that abstinence is how to stop AIDS.

I don’t mean to be rude, sir, but I think you’re oversimplifying the issue.
It would take a massive cultural and political overhaul of my entire country for your conservative rhetoric to be feasible. Since we live in the 21st century now, sir, and it’s not really practical to insist that people only sleep with one person their whole lives - and only then not until they are married - condom usage would mean that myself and my friends would not be prey to such inhumane practices.

Clearly, the fact that I live in a place where a myth like this exists shows you how impractical your suggestion of abstinence is. If men believe a virgin can cure AIDS, we are in too different and drastic a place for simple solutions like ‘don’t fuck anyone’ (Sorry, I swore; but I do have AIDS because of this shit, you know).

I need only point to the problems associated with the Catholic clergy’s abstinence – again, raping children – to suggest that maybe abstinence is just as problematic. Together with the Catholic sanction against masturbation, abstinence has the potential for sublimating sexual desires in unhealthy ways, leading to such atrocities as the one I experienced. It is superstitious nonsense like virgin purity myths and Catholic notions of morality that have created such a problem. Excuse me, Mr. Bolt I didn’t mean to sound like a leftie loony. Please don’t yell at me. I cry when men yell at me now.

Also, you mention that not even that many Africans are Catholic, inferring the Pope’s ban on condoms doesn’t affect them. This is interesting considering your insistence that the only way to save us is by adhering to Christian notions of what is moral. Your culture is not something that you can just map onto ours. I don’t think following or not following Catholicism has much bearing. If people here do not even have the self control to not rape children, how are they going to get the self control to abstain from sex?

Sir, I know I’m only an 8 year old African child, but again I think you’re misunderstanding the issues. The reason the Pope banned condoms was not so it would force people into an potentially unhealthy monogamous relationships (with a supposed decrease in AIDS victims) it was because of a silly old rule that comes from the Church - not from the Bible - that preventing the chance of conception is wrong. But even you say that condoms are not foolproof. Surely, then, the chance of conception is present, though slimly, and condoms aren’t to be thrown away.

People are going to have sex. You can’t stop that. So, to be practical we have to think in terms of harm minimisation. If the choice is between people going to an African bishop and asking for permission to use condoms or going to a traditional healer and being told to rape children to cure AIDS, what is the best course of action?
In the short term, Mr Bolt, we are faced with a situation where extreme points of view don’t help. I am compelled to ask: are you really after a workable solution or do you just want to beat your Leftie opponents?

One more thing, my Australian friend. You say that ‘progressives’ are angry. Then you say:
“Why their anger? Christianity, or any philosophy that preaches restraint, responsibility and a respect for facts, threatens their freedoms, such as freedom to have sex with whomever they choose”
Are you saying that Christianity has respect for the facts? I don’t mean to speak out of turn but this is such a bad statement that I cry for the Western world when I hear it.

Look, Mister Bolt. I don’t have the answers: I’m just an eight year old girl. But I want to find an answer. Your rhetoric doesn’t help me, especially when that advocates a ‘traditional’ approach to an issue, rather than a pragmatic one. It is solutions based on tradition, like those that allowed me to be raped, rather than evidence that seal our fate. Superstitious nonsense – virgin purity myths and Christian myths alike - has killed me, my friend. I hope you can come to my funeral.

Sincerely,

Sibongile Dupree

"

http://www.cbc.ca/news/background/aids/aidsinafrica.html
http://www.nai.uu.se/newsfromnai/arkiv/2003/smitheng.html
http://www.guardian.co.uk/pope/story/0,12272,1451750,00.html

Pith and Circumstance: from the gossip pages of the esteemed MX

What did the wondrous MX tell me today? Celebrity inanities? Sweet 12 April, 2005!

Ben Stiller pleases everyone by announcing he is taking time off from making movies so he can spend time with his family. Great news for film goers but bullshit, man. Every one of his movies has his wife and his father in it(and his lover Owen Wilson). I think he’s taking a year off to reassess his life and think about the rubbish he is inflicting on the world. That, or to roll around in a money pool shouting ‘I didn’t sell out! I never HAD credibility! Now watch me snort coke off this film executive's tightened sphincter!'

Matthew McConaughey is a wrestling champion in an unnamed African village. Nobody knew about this for years; it has only come out recently (unlike Paul McDermott). The village’s name has been kept secret: the people of that village were really embarrassed when they found out who this knob jockey was.

Mick Jagger’s daughter is considering modeling for Playboy. Mick is shocked and appalled. One imagines this is just deserts considering Mick’s superego hasn’t been exercised, with regard to women and indiscretions since, well …ever. And now he thinks that his daughter modeling for Playboy (not pornography by any means) is a bad thing? Excuse us if we chuckle to ourselves, Mr. 'Never beat the Beatles in the charts ever'.

That douchebag Big Boi from Out ‘highly overrated hip hop’ Kast has 17 cars but only space enough for 6. So he’s building another house. That makes sense, I guess. Way to show street cred, my man. Like I said..douchebag.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is still campaigning against Jennifer ‘amazingly untalented and highly obnoxious non-artist’ Lopez‘s use of fur in her clothing range. Apparently she had an anti-J.Lo PETA ad removed from a music magazine. Wait…J.Lo is mentioned in music magazines? Well, I just lost a bet.

I’d like to see a coat made out of J.Lo. Not because she’s attractive – she’s actually horrible (especially if you look at photos of her pre-"I’m their saviour/that’s what they call me/so Lauren Bacall me" phase when she was just an ugly dancer in Janet Jackson clips) – but because I’m of a controversial view that some people actually aren’t as worthy of life as many animals. Ms Lopez is what stops me from taking seriously the idea that all humans are more important than all non-humans.

And that's what the MX could tell me about today.

Oh..and, like, some people died.

Channelling the black soul of an inept editor

"This is just bloody disgusting! The front page of the Herald Sun today informs me, as it always does, that 520 criminals were given suspended sentences between 2003-04. I’m sick of this bleeding heart, Leftist rubbish masquerading as social control. When are these pinkos going to learn that LAW and ORDER are the only ways to control crime? Victoria has the lowest rates of incarceration in the country! I shudder to think what the other states are like! Now, some lefties might spew bulldust about Victoria also having the lowest crime rates in the country, but don’t believe that Zionist tripe.

Suspended sentences are NOT punishment, people! All they do is say ‘here you go, criminal, do it again!’. If you do the crime, you do the time! Simple enough, isn’t it? Why can’t these bloody bleeding heart justices of the ‘peace’ (a loaded word if ever I heard one) get it through their heads? I bet they were never beaten as children. That’s the problem with this country: all these PC fascists won’t let us release our own sublimated fetishistic desires through spanking our children. NO, they say that’s child abuse.

The article quotes Steve Medcraft of ‘People Against Lenient Sentencing’ saying ‘It makes you wonder if they decide sentences based on how many cells are free in the prisons!’ and ‘no wonder police morale is at such an all time low’. This guy, mates, is a bloody legend. He’s so damn right: if there ain't room in prisons BUILD more. And if THEY fill up, build MORE again! Get the money from all those exorbitant grants they give our schools! It’s not like they need all that money for ‘educational purposes!’

Prisons work and you can’t deny it, unless you’re some artsy fartsy ‘academic’. It’s not like prison is a place where there is no hope of deterrence or rehabilitation because of the prison culture encouraging criminal behaviour, the societal stigma attached to being an ex-convict and the problems of continued contact with the criminal justice system, decreasing the chance of reform with every incident! That’s a leftie myth, folks and don’t buy into it. Prisons clearly work, folks: just look at how many people are in them! Having this many people in prison makes our country safer! More prisons, less leftie bullshit.

Thank you. "

Confessions of a Teenage Female Blogger

"OMG!!! He spoke to me today! I canNOT believe it. He is sooo cute I want to cry.I really hope he accepts my invite to the Deb. Aw, who am I kidding? He'll never want to go out with me. Even if he did I'd never manage to gather the courage to ask him.Stupid system! Why can't the GUYS ask the girls out? I'm just a nothing. At least I have you guys, my faithful journal-readers, right guys? Please post comments to confirm that you're still out there to support me. I really need it seriously. Is this getting boring to read? I haven't used proper paragraphs and it must be really hard to read. I'm SO sorry guys. I guess I'm just a fucking idiot, like everyone says. Wait a sec, I'm going to put on some Marilyn Manson. I love this song. It reminds me of last week. 'I hope that we die holding hands, always'. Oh great, now I'm crying. I really didn't want this to happen tonight. I'm gonna write a poem about it (the Him situation!). Here goes:

Shattered Dreams
Reflecting in the shards of broken mirror
That lie beneath my toes
As it mingles with the blood
From the wound it cut in me
The confounding flesh that I must live in
The scar promises me a new way of life
Yet all I see at the end of the day
Is a bandaid on my wrist
And tears in my eyes
And as I stare into that broken mirror
I hate what I see
And the cycle continues...

What do you think guys??? Is it all right? I tried REALLY hard on this one. I think it is especially realistic because I almost DID cut my wrist recently. I had to have some control over my own life and body (LOL Actually I don't know what this means exactly but I read it somewhere and it spoke right to me). In fact it was just after I last spoke to HIM. Fucking bastard. WHY won't he love me? I'm level headed and smart and loving and poetic! OMG that sounded really conceited didn't it?
Maybe I should stop putting on make up, especially around my eyes. Guys are always saying that they like girls without too much makeup. But TYPICAL, they are all liars anyway. He wouldn't even know the difference between normal makeup and corpsepaint.They only go for the ones like that...I won't say her name but SHE KNOWS WHO SHE IS....blonde bitchy girls who make others' (ie ME) lives hell.

I'm too sad to type anymore. SOZ. "

Jimeoin stole my identity.

You may have already heard about Australia's favourite Irishman, Jimeoin McKeown, writing and starring in a new movie called 'the Extra'. The film concerns an actor who does work as an extra- that is, being in the background of shots, making the main cast look good by being conspicuously dull looking, mostly due to the lack of make-up and good costuming.
'Hey, that's a great idea for a movie!' I hear you say, and while that may be the case, I would like to bring to your attention a very simple fact. Jimeoin has robbed me. He has stolen my experience as an extra and bit-player and mined it for his own hackneyed comedic farce. How do I know this? I think it's pretty clear.

The year was 1998 and Jimeoin was shooting his film 'the Craic', to be directed by Ted Emery. I, your humble correspondent, was called in on emergency extra work. It was imperative that I play the role of 'Kid' in a pivotal scene in the film, where I sold sausages to the bad guy (Colin Haye) else the whole production would fall to pieces. I kindly obliged them, slopping on fake tan and sunglasses, as our scene was set in Queensland in the 1980s even though it was being shot in Melbourne in the late 1990s.
I sold sausages well and I sold them with all my bit-playing heart, never once suspecting that 'star' McKeown was watching me out of the corner of his eye, intently studying my skills as an extra and scribbing in his notebook. It's obvious all these years later what he meant when he was overheard saying 'Boy, that kid sure has a story to tell. Someone should make a movie about him'. Little did I know that I was to be fodder for his farce without so much as a 'thank you for the inspiration' let alone a royalty cheque.

Still don't believe me? Check this out:
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0373252/

It is for this reason that I must insist that the Extra be boycotted. Thankfully, with the state of the Australian Film Industry this might happen anyway. However, I just can't take that chance. I urge every one of you to make sure Jimeoin knows that his plagerism of my very life and career as an extra will not go unpunished.

Thank you