Religion good, Satan bad

"
All right, everybody, quieten down for a second. I’ll try not to take up too much of your time, but what I have to say is pretty important, so if there’s room enough, quickly take a seat on the grass there. Right. Hands up if you’ve never been to a lynching before. Uh huh, I see. Plenty of newcomers then, but that’s fine. Well, it’s a simple procedure: we break down the door…What? I’m trying to speak here. Yes, there will be refreshments afterwards. OK so…what? No, you should have gone before we got here.

Ok, from now on, hands up if you want to ask a question. Oh dear. Look, put your hands down and I’ll get to your questions at the end if you’re still unsure.
Anyway, as I was saying, we burst in the front door and drag the bastard out…Huh? No, I don’t think we should knock first. We’re about to hang the man from this tree here in his own front yard, I think we’re beyond niceties at this point! Besides, what did I say about putting your hands up?

Right, so we burst in, drag the bastard outside and string him up with this here rope…Um, where’s the rope guys? Dylan? Shane? Oh great, so you’ve forgotten to do the one job I thought you could handle. You’re in big trouble when we get home.

Oh great, now look what you’ve done! Someone’s coming out of the house. Shh! Maybe he won’t see us. Damn. ..Uh, us, sir? We’re just…oh dear. Well, I won’t lie to you, Mister. We’re here to drag you out of your house and hang you from this tree. Yeah…Why? Oh well...you know. We heard a rumour...yes, a rumour. From Sister Brigita, if you must know. Rope? Well, yeah, somebody forgot the rope...Anyway, that’s beside the point. You are a Satanist and we’re here to hang you for your un-Christian behaviour. What’s that? Oh, now you want to explain yourself. Well you should have thought of that before you sold your soul to the devil…what’s that? Well, don’t Satanists kill babies and sacrifice virgins and stuff? Huh? Anton La-Who?
Hey, listen Mister, don’t try and fool me. I’m a churchgoing man. I’ve read the Bible! I know what Satanism is! Pardon? Are…really? Satanism is an egoistic personal philosophy? Well, maybe I could accept that…Oh come on, Christianity is not more superstitious than Satanism…Really?

Hmm, I suppose you have a point. Maybe I should know more about the issue before I resort to such drastic measures but…But…Yeah. Look, I'll tell it to you straight. The boys were really keen to go out tonight and an old fashioned lynching is just the thing to buoy their spirits. Yeah, you’re right. Sorry.
See you at market on Saturday. Nighty night! God bless. Oops.

Ok, change of plans boys. No lynching tonight. We can still have Mrs Teasdale’s cucumber sandwiches and coffee at the civic centre, though. I apologise for the inconvenience. Except Dylan and Shane. You don’t get any refreshments. You’re a bloody disappointment.

"