In Bed with Benedict Sixteen

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The new Pope Benedict XVI does not just have a catchy name going for him. He’s got a great new relevant theology for the 21st century and a German accent to boot.
In his speech to the world’s 1.1 billion Catholics, the man formerly known as Joseph Ratzinger was clear and concise.
‘First of all, no fucking people of the same gender!’ his loving voice was heard to say. ‘That shit’s gross. Also, women still will not be allowed be wear these dresses that us Holy Men wear. You women, really, should be very ashamed of yourselves for even existing. If God wanted you to be more than incubators He would have given you brains as well as child-bearing hips’.

But the fun didn’t stop there, with the police officer’s son declaring ‘Sex should only be about procreation. When a man ejaculates the only thing on his mind should be children.’

Much has been made of the fact that this new Pope was close friends with the late Pope John Paul II and that the two are very similar. Benedict XVI, however, dismisses such a notion. ‘Nonsense’ said the 78 year old pontiff. ‘I’m much more vibrant and youthful. I can even stand up, when I want to’.

Further to this new Pope’s agenda is to quash all talk of child molestation. ‘What happens in the rectory stays in the rectory’ was his comment on the issue. However, he is keen to point out that he is sick of this ‘moral relativism’ that has engulfed the world of late and stresses that children molested by Catholic priests were ‘more full of the Holy Spirit’ than those children simply molested by family members, friends or proponents of a rite of passage whereby young boys must become men by consuming male fluids.

Considered a ‘transition pontiff’ because of his advanced age, Pope Benedict XVI confesses that what has really been on his mind of late is what God will give him upon entering heaven.
‘I’ve been praying rather hard so they get my “welcome” gift just right. I’ve heard around the traps that when John Paul II got to the pearly gates they’d only presented him with a copy of the One True Text – and it was the Koran' the international symbol of peace said. 'So, I certainly don’t want that to happen to me and I’ll definitely be on my knees this week a lot more than usual’.

Rumours that the new pontiff was waiting in the wings for months for Pope John Paul II to die have arisen from the strange comments that Mr. Ratzinger made regarding the former Pope. ‘I am, of course, opposed to helping somebody die – call it euthanasia if you will – but surely God could see to it in His wisdom that [John Paul II] makes a speedy exit’ he said two weeks ago.

The German Pontiff has also asked that his Popemobile be made out of a Volkswagen.
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