God Gears Up For New Boxing Day Disaster

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Heaven was in a frenzy this Christmas morning as Almighty God, maker of all that is seen and unseen, racked his brain over what He could do that would be able to top last year's boxing day tsunami.

Natural disasters are the Lord's bread and butter, but with things increasingly incendiary between human beings on Earth, God has been having a tough time coming up with ideas for a worldwide calamity to rival the unmitigated tragedy of human behaviour in 2005.

Despite talk of God being confounded, the Man Upstairs and his entourage are being tight-lipped on the matter. However, suggestions have been leaked as to what the Big Cheese may have in store. Sources say that among the potential catastrophes on God's so called 'disaster checklist' are:

- Earthquake
- Tornado
- Widespread Bird Flu
- Plague of Locusts

However, experts on Natural-Disaster-Science-ism are skepical that any of the above will occur this Boxing Day, considering that they have already occurred in regional disasters this year: for example, Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, the earthquake in Pakistan, the continuing avian influenza scare and Victoria's biblical locust problem.

"For God to roll out one of the old standard disasters this December 26 would be a little hack, a little predictable, considering the breadth of catastrophes on display in 2005" said Dr. Harold Dangermouse of the Intelligent Mythology Theological Commission. "No, I think we should expect something extra special this Boxing Day; something rapturous"

So as the world eagerly awaits what terrible tragedy and charity telethon will kick off the year 2006, people everywhere are coming up with suggestions that God might consider to make his annual Boxing Day Disaster even more of a world-stopper than last year's.

Katrina Roundbottom-Chan, 26, of Inverleigh suggested God eat a giant hot dog with mustard and tomato sauce over the Earth, spilling excess condiments all over our earthly continents.

Lindsy al-Ghul, 35, of Watsonia said only two and a half words: "Fresh-water shortage".

Josh Turner, 29, of Ballarat, went for an old standby, suggesting God cast down all the first borns this Boxing Day. "That way, the world might finally be rid of Bush" said Turner, in a cheap joke. "And God would also get to have a disaster that is truly historic".

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Things to Do at the Obligatory Christmas Mass

- Tally the people in the congregation who you would you have sex with, if forced to decide.

- Wonder how many of the people there under thirty were dragged along by their families.

- Enjoy the throng of sibilants that erupts as a result of a couple of hundred people saying "in accordance with the scriptures"

- Resist the urge to scream out "Blashyrkh mighty raven dark!" when the congregation says "deliver us from evil" during the Lord's Prayer.

- Think of how many arguments could be won/lost simply by saying "Jesus said so"

- Compile your favourite fictional festive characters: Santa, Rudolph, Jesus...

- During the Gospel reading, nudge the person next to you and say loudly "When does Santa come into the story?"

- Think of something to write in your blog.

Not Being American Pays Off Yet Again

Inappropriate lines in otherwise harmless commercials

"Now, the only thing I'll be scraping is aborted fetuses"
- In a dental health commercial about the dangers of scratching teeth and gums.

"Really show your Muslim neighbours their religion stinks!"
- In a commercial for Christmas decorations.

"I can't wait for the footy season to begin. It allow times for my bruises to heal before Derryn gives me some new ones"
- In a commercial for the coming football season.

"I can't wait for the footy season to begin. It allows me to sublimate my repressed homosexuality"
- In a commcerical for the coming football season.

"The beer of choice for rioting rednecks in New South Wales"
- In a commercial for beer.

"Be the envy of all your unimaginative and vacuous friends!"
- In a commercial for an Australian Idol contestant's album.

"Our planes almost never get hijacked and flown into buildings"
- In a commercial for a popular airline.

"See the sites! Taste the food! Feel the noose!"
- In a commercial for Tourism Singapore.

Other Text Messages Sent by Cronulla Gangs

'Shortage of Australian flags at riot point B. Repeat: we need more flags.'

'Riot this Sunday; sunscreen a necessity. Ladies, bring a plate. '

'Dude, just saw you with your shirt off. That new tatt is sex-C as!'

'Fancy dress party this weekend, following riot. NB: Do not come as a cop or a lebo.'

'This gang violence must stop! Let's get together and beat them up one at a time.'

'If caught by coppers, say you were just going to drink the molotov cocktails.'

'Remember to double check your spelling on signs! We don't want any more "Australia for Austrians" posters. '

'More riots next week! The blogging community needs us.'



"One last kiss. Please, I don't want this to end so soon"

Works in Progress: Planned Blog Entries That Laziness Got The Better Of

"Bilynda Williams Promises Expected Twins Will Get Better Babysitter This Time"

"That depends on what you mean by 'did you' and 'give me crabs'..."

"Debauchery at Schoolies, Apparently"

"Richard Pryor Dies: Millions of Comedians Rip Him Off, Killing Themselves"

"Famous Relationships That Ended at McDonald's"

The 'Police Shorts Big Success' Caption Competition

Punk Legends Extol Idol's Lee

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Legends of punk-rock spanning generations have rallied around former Australian Idol contestant Lee Harding and praised his style and unique talent. Jello Biafra , Ian MacKaye, Michael 'Fat Mike' Burkett and the ghost of Joey Ramone all expressed their support for the 22 year old in a press conference today.

"Lee's Australian Idol performances were just second to none" said Fat Mike, who plans to release a cover version of Harding's own cover of Survivor's Eye of the Tiger with his band NOFX, as a tribute to the innovative youngster. "The way he made the chorus jump into double-time after the mid-tempo verses is just punk rock genius at its finest"

Jello Biafra, most famous for his work with the Dead Kennedys, also expressed awe for Harding's take on the nasal, whiny vocals that Biafra himself made famous in the early 80s. "All I can say is, when Lee's single 'Wasabi' comes out on Sunday, the punk-rock world had better sit up and take notice. Lee has taken my patented vocals and put them in a whole new context! Amazing!"

Hardcore punk pioneer Ian MacKaye of Minor Threat and Fugazi was thankful that the "harsh, streamlined and mechanised Idol processing plant has allowed a punk gem like Harding to fall through into the big time. That's the essence of punk, after all".

While Joey Ramone's ghost, formerly of seminal outfit the Ramones, was mainly quiet, upon hearing that Lee had selected the song 'Footloose' as the one song that perfectly reflects his personality he was heard to exclaim "Fuckin' A!"

The press conference concluded with an in-depth analysis of Harding's new single, including lyrics such as 'Wasabi /So damn hot /Yeah my head's gonna blow'. All punk legends gathered were impressed with this prime example of true punk-rock poetry.

Moderator of the event Henry Rollins selected Wasabi as a new contender for a punk-rock classic, to join the ranks of 'Holiday in Cambodia', 'Blitzkrieg Bop' and 'Straight Edge'.

"With the insightful comment on middle class ennui found in lyrics like 'She's just like wasabi/Looks like a barbie', I think we can safely say that Lee Harding's lyricism meets or even eclipses that of those admitted legends gathered here" Rollins said. Rollins then flexed his muscles, so that nobody could disagree.



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Guest Columnist: Van Tuong Nguyen

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