God's Gift of Ignorance

Richard Dawkins: kicking arse and taking notes.

Alpha SS-PUA is complete FW

"

Residents of rural town Glen Gully, in South Northern Victoria, have expressed a profound dislike for a self-professed ‘mack daddy’ that has been ‘sarging’ all the local females with little success for the past few weeks.

Gareth Johns, 20, has recently attracted widespread disdain from locals after trying out his newfound skills as an ‘alpha-male’ on almost every lady in the tiny hamlet, from the coffee shop waitresses to the female librarian. “What can I say? I am the man” Johns said. “You can’t just try once and give up – that’s what you AFC and wussy bitches out there might do – but I take life by the horns and get back on that horse”.

Typically Johns’ sarging technique includes walking up to women and girls on the street and saying “Have you ever noticed that I am – incredibly – the man for you? If you could find yourself in my pants, I feel hot”.

The IT student reportedly first started exhibiting the lecherous behaviour after reading some literature on the internet written by self-help guru Ross Jeffries, founder of the Speed Seduction technology.

“He used to be a pretty cool guy” said former classmate Gary Crocker. “But ever since he started reading up on all these pick up masters, he’s turned into a one dimensional sex maniac. The irony is, he hardly ever succeeds.”

Ex-girlfriend Jenna Massoli was also critical. “John’s never been one for commitment” the exotic dancer said. “I’ve read up on SS, DYD and all that: I’m pretty sure he’s not even doing it right”.

Linda Taylord, proprietor of the local hair and body boutique, is bemused by the matter. “I have nothing against the boy trying out pick up lines on the beautiful young creatures in this town” the 54 year old widow said. “I just can’t understand why he hasn’t yet tried any material on me”.

While confusion may reign in some areas, one thing, however, is certain: to the inhabitants of the sparsely populated Glen Gully, this newly formed PUA is a genuine FW.

"

"Dude, you've been away from the computer way too long for a 'BRB'"

"

OK, so I realise you've been waiting around all day for a phone call from overseas informing you whether or not your grandmother is going to live through the night, but I don't think that exempts you from common net courtesy. What I'm talking about, dude, is your misuse of the informal netspeak initialism 'brb'. You have been away from your computer way too long for that to still apply. OK, so you've at least made the effort to inform me that you will be away for a time, but it is inaccurate and misleading to use 'brb' when it is more appropriate to utilise 'bbl'. And I think I deserve better.

Let me illustrate: a 'brb' is for short trips away from your desktop, such as going to make a coffee or going to the toilet for number Ones (not number Twos - that's more like a 'bbs'). You, however, have been away for more than fifteen minutes, which is hardly a length that one can be 'right back' from.

Listen, an online relationship runs on efficiency of communication. The language we use is agreed upon by netspeakers all over the world. For you to abuse the similiarity between 'brb' and 'bbl' is akin to saying 'fuck you' instead of 'fondu' in spoken English. All facets of language, even informal slang, need to be adhered to. Otherwise we are no better than the animals. I cannot stress how important and concrete the functions of 'brb', 'bbs', 'bbl', 'lol' and so on are.

Of course, there are certain situations where these general rules can be forgone. For example, if you are chatting online with somebody who has suddenly gone quiet, and seems uninterested in your convesation at all; or if the chat session has slowly died a slow, but healthy, death and resurrecting it just for the sake of a 'brb' might be redundant and annoying; or of you have reason to believe the person you are talking to is not who they say they are: an internet fraud. In these cases it is acceptable and even advisable to not bother with the 'brb' or a 'bbl'.

But you and I are friends, dude. Surely I deserve the respect and consideration that a 'bbl' confers. After all, haven't I gone to the trouble of making the distinction between a short trip away ('brb') and an extended one ('bbl')? Do I not deserve the same courtesy?

See, I keep mentioning that word: courtesy. And that's what it comes down to, dude. It's just common courtesy.

"

For and Against: Motley Crue are the Coolest Motherfuckers on Earth

Still cool?

For: They put their money where their mouth is, suing NBC for free speech violations

Against: Shitpunk band A Simple Plan wrote their new single
For: It's actually not a bad song.

Against: I've read the Dirt. They haven't always been nice guys.
For: It's rock and roll, baby.

Against: Tommy Lee is pretty much a douche bag
For: But a friendly one.

For: Vince Neil can - and did - fuck anything that moves.

Against: Mick Mars looks like a corpse.
For: He has a degenerative bone disease, you prick. And he's STILL touring. That's tough.

For: Nikki Sixx is possibly the coolest human being on the planet.

Which brings us to the sub-debate: Nikki Sixx is the Coolest Motherfucker on Earth.

For: He wrote (or co-wrote) "Only get so far" for Faith Hill and Tim McGraw and they turned it down: if they had released it, I guarantee it would have been a hit. Now it's on the Brides of Destruction album Not that I encourage downloading, but find a way to hear this song.

This is for you, my silent readers.

Cruise Upset: Superstitious Nonsense Not Widely Understood

"

Superstar actor Tom Cruise today spoke out against the 'pervasive ignorance' of the general population about his chosen religion, Scientology. The comments came in response to a journalist's query about a possible association between Scientology and Cruise's new film War of the Worlds, based on the H.G. Wells novel, which irritated Nicole Kidman's ex-husband.

"I just don't understand why I am constantly asked these questions about my irrational belief system" the Hollywood A-lister said. "They really should read some of L. Ron Hubbard's books, then they'd find out exactly what kind of bullshit I believe".

Cruise added that, as a Thetan Level OT III, he should not even have to tolerate such 'stupid speculations from imebecilic retards'. His ranking in the upper echelons of the tax-exempt organization should mean he is treated with a greater respect than other actors who may not even be 'clear', he said.

Cruise losing his trademark cool with the media comes on the back of a media frenzy surrounding his rollercoaster courtship of young actress Katie Holmes. When asked whether his fiance is a scientologist he nonchalantly replied, 'Hey, she believed Dawson was straight: she'll believe what I tell her to', referring to Holme's television drama role, apparently being unable to separate fact from fiction.

Since this afternoon's outburst Cruise has reportedly been hard at work on a video presentation to be shown at media junkets called 'Dianetics for Dickheads: what Journalists need to know about Scientology (to not be berated by me)'. The 45 minute programme will star Cruise and fellow scientologist John Travolta acting out the central tenets of the religion, including the Grease-star dressed as Xenu, the evil lord that imprisoned alien spirits in volcanos 75 million years ago before invading human bodies. 'It will be as realistic and grounded in fact as any of our films', Cruise said.

A quote attributed to Travolta stated that he too is sick and tired of 'misconceptions about the vile garbage we believe in'. Added the Pulp Fiction-star: 'It really is time somebody set the record straight about just the kind of lunacy our feeble minds have submitted to. After all, ignorance is a dangerous thing".


Cruise, pleading with the public to try and understand his stupidity.

"

What to do if you are the only person to survive a nuclear holocaust

Congratulations! You are the only person in the entire world to survive the nuclear holocaust. Aside from finally being able to admit to listening to Britney Spears in public, there are many other perks to your unique situations: no bank queues, free food in expensive restaurants, no road rules and, of course, luxury accomodation. Bet you feel pretty happy with yourself, eh? Well not so fast, smarty pants; there are a few things you should consider before you attempt any post-holocaust living:

- Make sure you actually ARE the only person to survive before you resort to necrophilia.

- Wear plenty of insect spray. All animal life is now dead; and with you the only living mammal those little buggers will flock to you like nothing else.

- Admit to yourself that all that 'self-improvement' you did - eating healthy, going to the gym, helping old ladies across the street - does not matter at all, especially now.

- Realise that there is no God. I mean, come on - look around you. There's been a nuclear holocaust, for fuck's sake.

- If you see Keith Richards walking down the street, don't ask for an autograph. He'll be pretty rattled that the nuclear blast interrupted his blood transfusion.

- Feel free to appoint yourself King of the World, but don't rule out the possibility of intense inter-planetary foreign affairs; in which case, you'll be responsible for a whole lot of stuff.

- Take moral revenge on people and organizations that, while not affecting them, will give you personal satisfaction. That's right, that means you can make the television stations play your favourite films - the Dripping Wet Sex series - all day, every day, since your request for them was denied back before "that day".

- Briefly mourn for the dead. Then, when you've cleared your conscience of any guilt you might feel at being the only one left alive, dance about on their graves.

- Dig a little and check to see if Dr. Strangelove and his cronies ever did make their underground city.

- Ponder that lyrics from the Smiths - "If it's not love, then it's the bomb that will bring us together" - as you nurse your dead love's head in your arms.

- Have fun: the world is, literally, your playground.

Problems Douglas Wood may have to deal with now he's been released.

- Fashion magazines asking about THAT haircut.

- Getting weaned off gruel after weeks of poor food only to be fed even worse stuff at Army bases.

- Padding out his book after the phrase "I was bound, gagged, blindfolded and terrified the whole time" has been used up.

- Putting up with idiotic media referring to him as the familial 'Doug' when he was treated as all but dead by news stations when in captivity.


Douglas Wood, now affectionately known as 'Doug' to the news media that forgot about him.

- Having to constantly correct interviewers who assume it was Australian Special Forces who rescued him

- Putting up with idiotic news media cheapening his experience by using his predilection for beer and football to fit their pathetic 'Aussie battler' mold.

- Having to bite his lip when the US and Australian governments take his release as a personal victory.

- Feigning amusement when Rove and his remoras make inappropriate and unfunny jokes at his expense.

- Convincing people he is sane, despite considering returning to Iraq.

- Having to put up with bloggers writing Mad Magazine-esque lists at his expense.

"I think it's time you took the bookmarks out"

"

OK, honey, we need to talk. I think you know what this is about. That's right, all the books. Look, I know you have a "thirst for knowledge" but really..you can't be simulatneously reading 11 books at once. I've run out of business cards because you keep using them to mark your page. Just take a peek at our shelves over there. What do you see? Other people's bookshelves do not have a dozen bookmarked novels still in the shelf, do they? If they aren't able to to finish something, they at least accept it and take the bookmark out. But not you, no. You're content to live with the delusion that you're "get around to it" one day. Well, honey, let me ask you: when do you think you're going to "get around" to finishing 'Rogue', the novel written by Fabio? It's been gathering dust for 3 years now and you're not even halfway through.

Come on: let's be realistic. What are the chances of you finishing all those books you bought this time last year and only read a few chapters of? Oh, come on, I think it's more like zero per cent. What, so you think you can finish Daniel Dennett's 'Freedom Evolves', Merlin Donald's 'A Mind So Rare', Gerald Edelman's 'Wider than the Sky'...What? Just because he won the Nobel Prize doesn't mean you owe him! OK, well what about Deacon's 'the Symbolic Species'?

And what are we to do with all these new books you keep buying, eh? Even if we both started reading them we'd never get through them all in time for Christmas, when you tell all your relatives to get you books! This is a serious problem, darl.
You don't seem to be understanding what I'm getting at. Just this week you've added Eric Campbell's Absurdistan, Jenna Jameson's Neil Strauss-ghostwritten autobiography, Jared Diamond's 'Guns, Germs and Steel' and Robert Manne's Whitewash! Where in the hell are you going to have the time to read all of them? Right, so you're going to give up your job at the coal mines is that it? Well, how selfish. That black lung is what we live on and now you want to throw it away for few measly pieces of paper.

I don't know what to say. Don't make me give you an ultimatum. Yes, I would actually; and I hope I would win out in a decision where the other option is your precious books. Oh, really? Well...if that's the way you feel, fine. Leave....No, I don't really mean that. I love you, it's just..look, take a walk to cool off, can you do that for me? What's that? Yeah I know, if I want you, you'll be at the library.

"

Bible-style Murder Prompts Call for Bans

"

A young man was arrested today for the brutal crucifixion murder of a class mate, prompting family groups to call for bans on the Christian Bible. Jonah Stevens, 18, was apprehended at the scene of the crime, where he had nailed classmate Damien Sutherland, 17, through his hands and feet to a makeshift wooden cross in the victim's backyard. Sutherland, an aspiring cartoonist, was hanging in agony for at least ten hours before he finally died from suffocation.

Apparently inspired by actions depicted in the graphic book, this crime has community groups calling for a moratorium to be placed on all forms of the Christian Bible, encouraging local booksellers and libararies to ban the publication.

Stevens, a devout Christian and member of the controversial Celibacy Club at Diamond Valley State School, was candid about his actions when questioned by the media from the back of a police divisional van. "I was simply trying to instill [Sutherland] with the Holy Spirit", the King Lake resident said. "That kid was a heathen and I was only doing my Christian duty. Sure, it's unfortunate that God didn't come down to stop it before Damien's death, like He did with Abraham, but I have had some impure thoughts lately and was probably being punished for them".

Strangely, Stevens stayed at the crime scene the entire time and was in fact waiting for police when they arrived after a tip-off from a neighbour complaining about the noise the screaming was making.

Chairman of the Family Fairly Close group, Lindsay Tanner, believes the time has come for greater action to be taken regarding the text. "This book has atrocious tales of beheadings, genocides, prostitution, the apocalypse and, of course, crucifixtion" the 47 year old said. "The Bible is certainly not the sort of thing any responsible parent wants their impressionable teenagers reading. It's a recipe for delinquency is what it is".

Tanner's concerns echo that of Surrey Hills home-maker Geraldine Lovelock. "We were made to read it when I was at school and look at what my generation did to the world" the 56 year old mother of five said. "There is simply no place for the Bible in a tolerant and non-violent society."

"

Hey, where did my civility go?

A pretty version of this?

It's not too late to catch up, America

Guy Tallies his Conservative Opinions

"

Local man Bryn Turrel tried desperately hard today to think of all the opinions he has that could be considered 'conservative' in a bid to distance himself from the 'leftie pinko dickheads' that he often finds himself around. The drastic move came about after a nail bitingly irritating conversation he had with local leftie Lionel Mandrake on a train into Melbourne central station.

"This idiot was telling me that the whole idea of a train was patriarchal because the shape of the carriage is phallic and that the very idea of getting to one's destination on time is representative of Western society's over-reliance on science" the 34 year old systems analyst said. "I actually consider myself to be a fairly liberal guy but after that encounter, I've been trying to come up with conservative opinions I wouldn't mind having. I mean, the guy was wearing a pink cardigan!"

So far Turrel has identified two conservative opinions he feels he has and is reportedly working hard at a third. "Being supportive of military interventions into despotic nations wasn't too hard to come up with but I did have a bit of trouble deciding if I really thought that the homeless were responsible for their position" Turrel pondered. "I decided I could sort out those nitty gritty details later. What's important now is that I have some non-liberal views so that nobody thinks I'm a left wing pussy like that guy I met on the train".

This is only the latest in a series of leftward inclined people reassessing their politics based on a desire to dissociate themselves from the unthinking hippy set. Two weeks ago, it was reported that former Greens party member and women's rights activist Kerry Powell had bought a copy of Quadrant. Upon leaving the newsagent where she bought the right-wing journal, Powell was heard muttering to herself "They can't accuse me of being one of them now!".

A support group is currently being set up by Powell and her associates to aid liberal moderates in finding more ways to distance themselves from left wing pussies.

"

"I'm being arrested for downloading music?"

"

Oh, hello officers. Is there some kind of problem? Arrested? For what?! You have got to be joking. This in an outrage. I'm not even that big of a downloader. Seriously, check out my computer - there's barely anything on it. Oh shit. OK, I guess you'd better come in...oh, watch out officer. Mind that box on the ground there - that has
a few hundred CDs in it. I haven't got around to buying another shelf for them. So, many people getting arrested for downloading these days? Really, that many?
Gee...oh, ooh...damn. I should have told you to watch out for that. You just stepped on the Pet Sounds Sessions box set. There's three discs in that, not to mention limited edition booklets. Sorry, I didn't mean to raise my voice. I just get a bit touchy when it comes to my collection. Ok, officers, I'm just looking for my coat. Now, where could it be? Hmm. I knew I had it the other day when I came back from the record store...perhaps it's under that new Nine Inch Nails digipak. Yeah, it's pretty good actually...Not there? Hmm, well try that yellow bag. Yeah the JB Hi Fi one. Nothing in there? Oh, just some Zappa reissues. Hmm. Well, I guess I'll have to come down town without a coat then, right? Gee, what a bummer, getting arrested for downloading. Still, though, I guess I did download a little bit of music and I did deprive artists of their rightful income.
Yeah, look, no arguments there, sir or...constable, yeah. What's that? Oh yeah you can borrow that. That CD is actually really great. I didn't figure you as a Beefheart fan, though. I thought you'd be into the Police or something. Ha ha. Just kidding, of course.
O K, are we set to go? Oh right, the handcuffs. Gee. Well, it's a fair cop. You remember how to get back to the front door? Yeah, just past the signed copy of Band on the Run. Boy am I in trouble.

"

Man Injures Lips Whistling Vai

"

In a humourous anecdote that has people around water coolers and coffee machines everywhere talking, Eltham man George Tobias last week strained the muscles in his mouth and lips attempting to whistle along to virtuoso guitarist Steve Vai's 1990 album Passion and Warfare.

Driving alone in his station wagon, the 29 year old student first noticed his lips numbing around track 5 'the Riddle', after successfully humming and whistling the main melody lines to the opening songs of the groundbreaking instrumental guitar album.

"Look, I thought I'd done pretty well to get through that lick at the end of 'Answers'" Tobias said. "By the time 'For the Love of God' came on, my entire mouth was aching. But I pressed on". The former mechanic actually made it to the three minute mark, which guitar experts say is a considerable feat.

After being checked out by a doctor today, Tobias was given the all-clear, but was warned to 'lay off the difficult stuff' at least until his face muscles had fully healed. In the meantime, he will be humming and whistling along to the considerably less-challenging 1998 Follow the Leader album by Californian outfit Korn.

As strange at it sounds, this is not the first time a person has been injured singing along to an instrumental work. Back in the late 80s Johnson Tyle severely hurt his vocal cords trying to skat along to the shredding on Jason Becker's solo album Perpetual Burn. It took weeks to recover.

"

Baroque, Roll and Holy Shit.

Sixx and Malmsteen: too much Rock Star for one blog to handle.  

Oh, by the way: holy shit.

‘Hey, are you authorised to use this toilet?’

"

Hey, you. Yes you, sir. Can you come over here for just one second? I understand it’s an emergency, but there is an important protocol to these things. OK, OK, I realise you’re busting, but first thing’s first: do you have a pass to use this bathroom facility? Well, if you don’t know you probably don’t, since you have to specifically request one from head office. Yes, I know that head office is actually shut down for repairs this week but that’s not my concern. I just have to make sure that nobody uses the toilets on this floor unless they have a pass. What’s that? Well, yes, of course I have one. Don’t be ridiculous. No, you cannot borrow mine. Because it would be highly irregular and disgusting. A man using another man’s toilet pass! Imagine!
Look, I’m sure you can hold on until you get home. No? Well, do you have a medical problem? OK, there’s no need to get rude. I realise you are trying to prevent a medical problem by urinating as often as possible, but I should tell you – in this office, we pride ourselves on being able to hold our bladders for up to sixty hours at a time. It featured in the job interview. In fact that was the most gruelling part of the security officer training. They always told me I’d need this skill and I didn’t believe it until I started working for this office. In fact…Oh, dear. Did somebody have a little accident? Continuing accident. Gee, you must have had an extra large orange juice at lunch, eh? Ha ha. Look, it’s nothing to be ashamed of but…boy, it really is going everywhere, isn’t it?. Yes, yes, I know you told me you were busting but I took you for a man with more stamina than that. You know, this wouldn’t stand down at…hey, watch out. This is a new pair of shoes.
Right. Well, this isn’t very mature, is it? Pissing on a lowly security guard’s new leather shoes just because I wouldn’t let you illegally use the…
Oh, Mr. Silversedt! I understand that you’re a busy man but I should report to you that there has been a breach in security. Well, this man here didn’t have a pass to go to the bathroom and…oh. Are you sure? Really? So, the bathroom pass rule has been suspended for the time being while head office is being renovated? Right. Thank you, sir.
Well, it seems you’re in luck. You can stop pissing on my feet now. I’ve just been informed on the highest authority that you may now use the bathroom…for the time being. No need to thank me.
It’s all in a day’s work.

"

Warning!

Beloved Readers,

It seems a terrible virus has overtaken sections of the blogging world. Its symptoms include whining about one's lives (past and present), fishing for compliments and a refusal to look up the world ‘solipsism’. Unchecked, these symptoms can lead to a fully-fledged simultaneous egomania and self-loathing, not to mention bouts of undirected sarcastic anger.
To be on the safe side, be sure to avoid: maudlin and depression-affirming friends; 19th century literature you don’t understand; philosophy you don’t understand; and…oh hell, just avoid everything and everyone. It works for J.D. Salinger (whose books you should also avoid).

In some rare cases, a blogger may even post something that is so insensitive and humourless that one can only guess his/her intentions. As I peer below me I see that…oh, God. Perhaps it is too late.

Insensitive Suicide Scene

INT - AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
A bare stage. A couple enters.

GIRLFRIEND
I'm sorry. You're going to hate me. I did it again.

BOYFRIEND
You..again? Right. That's it, we're breaking up.

GIRLFRIEND
But...I slit my wrists for YOU!

BOYFRIEND
You think that's..?! What?! Who are you, Norma Desmond?!

GIRLFRIEND
Who?

BOYFRIEND
EXACTLY! You're such a fucking flake you don't even realise
that you are mimicking a cliched character!

GIRLFRIEND
Well...what will I do without you?

BOYFRIEND
You'll survive. If you wanted to be dead, you'd be dead.
Read some old love letters and gush all over them.

GIRLFRIEND
This is such an insensitive thing to do.
You have no idea how I feel!

BOYFRIEND
WRONG! I know exactly how you feel at the exact moment
you feel it, because you always fucking tell me.
If you want to die, cut DOWN the wrist.
Fucking amateurs.
Do you have any idea how it feels to be in a position where
you are constantly blackmailed emotionally by the threat
that the person you love cannot bear to live even with
you giving all that you can?

GIRLFRIEND
(quietly)
You know it's a mental illness.

BOYFRIEND
I know that. Do you?

A silence endures.

GIRLFRIEND
So...that's it?

BOYFRIEND
That's it.

GIRLFRIEND
No punchline?

BOYFRIEND
Do you really think you deserve that?

GIRLFRIEND
I guess not.

They both bow and leave the stage.

INT - FOYER of THEATRE - NIGHT

PATRON 1
That was rather morbid, wasn't it?

PATRON 2
Rather.

PATRON 1
What do you suppose it all meant?

PATRON 2
Probably just seeking attention.

PATRON 1
Hmm. I guess that's healthier than some other options

PATRON 2
Indeed.

PATRON 1
Where do you think its sympathies lie? With the ill girlfriend
or the frustrated boyfriend?

PATRON 2
Hard to say. Maybe it's more complex than that.

PATRON 1
Yeah...but it's only a play.

PATRON 2
Yeah. (pauses) I guess.

Guy Wonders if his Attraction to Asian Women is Based on Racist Paternalism.

"

Regular white Anglo-Saxon guy Joe Outhwaite has been racking his brain for the past few weeks trying to work out whether his particular attraction to specifically South East Asian women is based on his own true subjective perceptions of beauty or a suppressed and hidden desire to dominate the ‘other’.

His musings have attracted the attention of commentators across society.
‘This is just another example of white male Western supremacy repressing what he perceives to be the exotic and traditional other’ said noted feminist Gloria Roadshaw. ‘Outhwaite’s attraction to South East Asians is simply a refusal to accept the Western woman’s newfound self-determination: the Asian fetish is simply a longing to have control over a physically and mentally weaker female’.

However, Roadshaw’s opinion has been disputed by Asian Women’s Advocate Ame Carrera. ‘That feminazi point of view is entrenched in a racist and stereotyped vision of what Asian women are like, as if our nature was to be submissive and serve the interests of Western men without thoughts of our own!’

‘Yeah, I just don’t know what to think now’ said a confused Outhwaite after hearing of the controversy his inner-battle has garnered. ‘At first I was leaning towards thinking it was just me having a particular attraction to women of South East Asian extraction, but then I thought that maybe sexual attraction where race is a factor is necessarily racist. But it’s not like I’m not attracted to other races too. Besides, doesn’t current anthropological study consider race to be a shallow and inaccurate classification? There’s no such thing, really’.

Outhwaite will continue pondering his attitudes to sexual attractiveness at least until this Saturday, when he will be in ‘pervert’s row’ on Asians Night at popular strip club the Kitten. Apparently this is for research purposes.

"

From the Headlines:

Blogger Shamelessly Incorporates Books he’s currently reading in satirical posts
Blogger Rips off Onion, Chaser
Blogger picks easy targets, nose
Blogger overuses comma jokes, self-referential jokes
Rove considers suicide to maintain popularity in same week as Graham Kennedy dies
'Sunny Melbourne, where the fuck is’, says Yoda