What to do if you are the only person to survive a nuclear holocaust

Congratulations! You are the only person in the entire world to survive the nuclear holocaust. Aside from finally being able to admit to listening to Britney Spears in public, there are many other perks to your unique situations: no bank queues, free food in expensive restaurants, no road rules and, of course, luxury accomodation. Bet you feel pretty happy with yourself, eh? Well not so fast, smarty pants; there are a few things you should consider before you attempt any post-holocaust living:

- Make sure you actually ARE the only person to survive before you resort to necrophilia.

- Wear plenty of insect spray. All animal life is now dead; and with you the only living mammal those little buggers will flock to you like nothing else.

- Admit to yourself that all that 'self-improvement' you did - eating healthy, going to the gym, helping old ladies across the street - does not matter at all, especially now.

- Realise that there is no God. I mean, come on - look around you. There's been a nuclear holocaust, for fuck's sake.

- If you see Keith Richards walking down the street, don't ask for an autograph. He'll be pretty rattled that the nuclear blast interrupted his blood transfusion.

- Feel free to appoint yourself King of the World, but don't rule out the possibility of intense inter-planetary foreign affairs; in which case, you'll be responsible for a whole lot of stuff.

- Take moral revenge on people and organizations that, while not affecting them, will give you personal satisfaction. That's right, that means you can make the television stations play your favourite films - the Dripping Wet Sex series - all day, every day, since your request for them was denied back before "that day".

- Briefly mourn for the dead. Then, when you've cleared your conscience of any guilt you might feel at being the only one left alive, dance about on their graves.

- Dig a little and check to see if Dr. Strangelove and his cronies ever did make their underground city.

- Ponder that lyrics from the Smiths - "If it's not love, then it's the bomb that will bring us together" - as you nurse your dead love's head in your arms.

- Have fun: the world is, literally, your playground.