‘Hey, are you authorised to use this toilet?’

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Hey, you. Yes you, sir. Can you come over here for just one second? I understand it’s an emergency, but there is an important protocol to these things. OK, OK, I realise you’re busting, but first thing’s first: do you have a pass to use this bathroom facility? Well, if you don’t know you probably don’t, since you have to specifically request one from head office. Yes, I know that head office is actually shut down for repairs this week but that’s not my concern. I just have to make sure that nobody uses the toilets on this floor unless they have a pass. What’s that? Well, yes, of course I have one. Don’t be ridiculous. No, you cannot borrow mine. Because it would be highly irregular and disgusting. A man using another man’s toilet pass! Imagine!
Look, I’m sure you can hold on until you get home. No? Well, do you have a medical problem? OK, there’s no need to get rude. I realise you are trying to prevent a medical problem by urinating as often as possible, but I should tell you – in this office, we pride ourselves on being able to hold our bladders for up to sixty hours at a time. It featured in the job interview. In fact that was the most gruelling part of the security officer training. They always told me I’d need this skill and I didn’t believe it until I started working for this office. In fact…Oh, dear. Did somebody have a little accident? Continuing accident. Gee, you must have had an extra large orange juice at lunch, eh? Ha ha. Look, it’s nothing to be ashamed of but…boy, it really is going everywhere, isn’t it?. Yes, yes, I know you told me you were busting but I took you for a man with more stamina than that. You know, this wouldn’t stand down at…hey, watch out. This is a new pair of shoes.
Right. Well, this isn’t very mature, is it? Pissing on a lowly security guard’s new leather shoes just because I wouldn’t let you illegally use the…
Oh, Mr. Silversedt! I understand that you’re a busy man but I should report to you that there has been a breach in security. Well, this man here didn’t have a pass to go to the bathroom and…oh. Are you sure? Really? So, the bathroom pass rule has been suspended for the time being while head office is being renovated? Right. Thank you, sir.
Well, it seems you’re in luck. You can stop pissing on my feet now. I’ve just been informed on the highest authority that you may now use the bathroom…for the time being. No need to thank me.
It’s all in a day’s work.

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