I am a DJ, baby.

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I’m a DJ. It is super awesome to be me. I am the best at pushing a button that plays someone else’s song. You think you can do it, but you can’t! No, Jeremy, we have had this discussion before and you are WRONG, my man. No mother fucker pushes play on Winamp like me, brother. Oh and you should see me cross fade or...toggle…or whatever…shut UP Jeremy, just because I get the names confused doesn’t mean I ain’t the champion disk jockist around!

And as for bands...ha, don’t make me laugh. I don’t even like music! It’s just like the new Pope said the other week..rock and roll is for the devil baby. Dance music, man? It has no soul to sell, baby. What? No, it isn’t. Jeremy, you did not start saying ‘baby’ before me – that is MY slang term and you cannot claim otherwise. Sharee’s party? Not likely, mon frere! I had my video camera at that party and I will have no trouble reviewing the tape to see just who said it first. Besides, I was saying it back in kindergarten, before I even met you. I just brought it back recently, old-school style! Bullshit! I’ve been saying old school style since four score and three decathlons my man! Anyway, shut up I’m trying to do my DJ piece. Wiggita wiggita. Hear that shit? That’s me being the phatest DJ around.

Man, I wish everyone would start realizing that a slammin’ party’s success depends on how cool the DJ is. Seriously, those idiots slogging it out in bands really should get the net. It’s the year two thousand and freaking five, dudes. Stop living in the past! What’s next, reviving jazz? Ha, Ha. Do not make me laugh, baby. What? That’s it, Jeremy, you are SO not invited to my next DJ competition. And your surprise ejection makes me the champion of the world. Woo!

My favourite type of music? Listen, baby, when I said I didn’t like music I wasn’t kidding. I do not listen to music. It is for fools, fool. Being a DJ is not about music. Stop living in the g-damn past! I just go clickety clacky clip clops and voila, everyone is happy. One day I hope to rid the world of music and people will hire DJs simply to make themselves cool by association to me. Until that day I’ll continue to press all your buttons.

But, don’t get me wrong. I provide something more important than black dots and lines. What I do is provide an aural experience for all of you ladies out there. You feel that? I just blew you a kiss. Directly from my heart to your hips, babies.

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