“Ask the Channel 31 Rambles!”

'Hey guys, I’m a big fan of your show and I have a question about the creative side of the programme. I’ve started writing my own comedy scripts and I’d like to ask you guys how you go about your writing! So, how can I be just as good as you?
Thanks xxoo
Lozza, Greensborough'

The Rambles reply:
"Writing? Nah, love, you’ve got it aaaall wrong. We at the Rambles don’t put fingers to keyboard at all in the creation of our show. Comedy ‘writing’ is so easy that you don’t have to formalise anything, you can just make it up on the spot. Like that show ‘Whose Line is it Anyway?’! It’s great because it’s unscripted.
For example, the skit in this week’s episode where we had the devil being neighbours with two priests. Now, forget for a moment that I did steal the basic joke from Big Train and consider our brilliance. First of all, all we did was walk into a costume store and pick out a wide variety of apparel. After all, Loz, the first rule of comedy is: costumes can and should stand in for an actual gag as often as possible! Second law of comedy: characters don’t have to be developed at all. Take Wanky Uncle!. Never mind that he’s based on a false premise, uses catch phrases instead of jokes and is a rip off of Eric Bana’s Chopper: the character is funny (or so our legions of female teenage fans and sycophants tell us)!
Oh, and before I forget: puns. Never underestimate the value of a pun-joke. If you can’t think of any yourself, please refer to any old Knock Knock or Doctor Doctor joke books you may have lying around your little brother’s playpen. That playpen has been very good luck for me.
So, yeah, get that idea of properly scripting ideas, writing more than once a week and coming up with sketches that have a proper form and purpose out of your pretty little head. I look forward to seeing some mediocre entertainment coming from you very soon, Lozza."

'Love the show, guys, especially the Gutter Talk segment. How can I improve my chances of appearing in this segement?
Todd, Hopper's Crossing'

The Rambles reply:
"Well, Todd, aside from being elderly, homeless or a member of a minority, there are many ways we can exploit you against your wishes on our vox pop section. For one, make sure you have nothing to say at all. Also, make sure you pause just before you speak so that we can make some sharp and bitingly satirical comment at your expense based on your appearance, accent or resemblance to a celebrity.
A corollary to this is to pause after we’ve finished lambasting you so that we can cut to the next victim -oops, I mean fan - without jump cutting. Our editing is shithouse as it is.
Aside from that, what can I really say? If you’re in any way able to speak articulately, of intelligence higher than a newt and able to make us look like fools, chances are we’re not going to use your footage even if we do see you strolling down Bourke St wearing a Chicken costume (which you probably stole from us, you stealer). "

'Rambles,
Re: the programme on c31 known as the Rambles. I would like to comment on the offensive nature of the TV show. I have watched your show a few times now and am appalled on many levels by the subjects of certain sketches. Please, tell me, do you even think through what you are doing or is it just all a big joke to you?
Mr. Josh Scott, Templestowe'

The Rambles reply:
"Woah, looks like we got ourselves a MORON here, guys. Listen, buddy, you obviously have no life whatsoever and spend all your time trying to be funny. Here’s some advice: leave being funny to the professionals, i.e., us. We don’t have to try to be funny, we just are. In fact, no effort at all goes into what we do, so there. So you just go back to your blogging or whatever it is you dickheads do and leave us to come up with more great pun-based skits. Get this idiot out of my office. Next!"

'Dear Rambles
Since you had a joke about Osama bin Laden in your latest episode, I’d like to ask how you can justify using such a loaded figure as a subject of ridicule. I’m a little confused as to what your comedic intent was. Are you trying to subvert the form of celebrity questionnaires by using a known terrorist as the subject and thus making a satirical statement about current pop culture? Or perhaps you’re using humour to diffuse a potentially frightening prospect – terrorism, and to make the issue seem more manageable, as some kind of catharsis?
Or maybe you are using the Trey Parker-esque ‘everything is shit’ ethic, where the philosophical stance of your show is ‘we have no stance’, in which case you have shown yourselves to be hypocrites since having no stance is in fact a stance in itself. You see, guys, I’m a little concerned that you don’t understand that anything that anyone contributes to any arena is discursive. That is, even the most facile, stupid and moronic television show is actually saying something about the society that produced it. You cannot help but reflect and comment on society, even if you don’t mean to. So, I ask: how are you justifying your depiction of Osama bin Laden?
I don’t mean to be rude, I would just like clarification.
Sincerely,
Jack, Werribee.'

The Rambles reply:
"Eww! Dude, you come from Werribee? Smells like someone needs a bath! Ooh, but you’d better not use Werribee water: you’d be bathing in shit! I am LOLing as a type, my friend. I bet you even SMELL like Osama bin Laden. Maybe you two are related! Because, like, bin Laden smells like shit and you come from Werribee, where they shit from my toilet goes when I flush! Get it? I bet you don’t, you smelly, smelly man. Oh boy, I’m inspired now. I’m going to go and make up a character called Jack from Werribee for our next show! Holy shit, this is going to be an awesome character. Holy what? Holy shit!! Yeah, you bless the toilets in Werribee– Holy shit! Oh man, I can't believe you live there. Thanks for writing in."

Tune in again next week when the Rambles answer questions on foreign policy.