Bible-style Murder Prompts Call for Bans

"

A young man was arrested today for the brutal crucifixion murder of a class mate, prompting family groups to call for bans on the Christian Bible. Jonah Stevens, 18, was apprehended at the scene of the crime, where he had nailed classmate Damien Sutherland, 17, through his hands and feet to a makeshift wooden cross in the victim's backyard. Sutherland, an aspiring cartoonist, was hanging in agony for at least ten hours before he finally died from suffocation.

Apparently inspired by actions depicted in the graphic book, this crime has community groups calling for a moratorium to be placed on all forms of the Christian Bible, encouraging local booksellers and libararies to ban the publication.

Stevens, a devout Christian and member of the controversial Celibacy Club at Diamond Valley State School, was candid about his actions when questioned by the media from the back of a police divisional van. "I was simply trying to instill [Sutherland] with the Holy Spirit", the King Lake resident said. "That kid was a heathen and I was only doing my Christian duty. Sure, it's unfortunate that God didn't come down to stop it before Damien's death, like He did with Abraham, but I have had some impure thoughts lately and was probably being punished for them".

Strangely, Stevens stayed at the crime scene the entire time and was in fact waiting for police when they arrived after a tip-off from a neighbour complaining about the noise the screaming was making.

Chairman of the Family Fairly Close group, Lindsay Tanner, believes the time has come for greater action to be taken regarding the text. "This book has atrocious tales of beheadings, genocides, prostitution, the apocalypse and, of course, crucifixtion" the 47 year old said. "The Bible is certainly not the sort of thing any responsible parent wants their impressionable teenagers reading. It's a recipe for delinquency is what it is".

Tanner's concerns echo that of Surrey Hills home-maker Geraldine Lovelock. "We were made to read it when I was at school and look at what my generation did to the world" the 56 year old mother of five said. "There is simply no place for the Bible in a tolerant and non-violent society."

"