Dude Takes Burzum Way Too Seriously!

Comedy Lovers

EXT - PARK - DAY
A male and female couple sit on a park bench with their arms around eachother. They kiss passionately. Smile. This is a major public-display-of-affection session and they don't seem to care. The music is sickeningly sweet.

MAN
I love you.

FEMALE
I love you more!

They kiss again. A man walking his dog strolls into shot. He is wearing a suit and tie. He looks at the couple and apprehensively begins to talk.

WALKING DOG MAN
(with little expression)
Gee...(sighs)..
They sure are in love.

The Walking Dog Man turns to face the camera.

WALKING DOG MAN
Yes, that's the punch line.
(pauses, breaking character)
Humiliating, isn't it? When comedy writers fall in love, this is what happens.
But together, we can stop the madness.
So, if you know any comedy writers, please: kill their girlfriends.
(beat)
Or comedy will be reduced to this...

The couple on the bench stop kissing.

MAN
Knock knock

FEMALE
Who's there?

MAN
I love.

FEMALE
I love who?

MALE
I love you!

The Walking Dog Man coughs, trying to stifle his gag reflex.

WALKING DOG MAN
Give generously to the Single Comedians Benefit.
(looks behind him)
Please.

The music swells to a climax as a title appears across the screen. It reads "Stop the Madness: Keep Comedians Single."

End.

Visitors

EXT – BUILDING SITE – DAY
A building site, fully operational, is partitioned off from the footpath. A sign hangs on the fence that says ‘All Visitors Must Report to Site Office’. A man and a woman, both dressed in lederhosen happen to be walking by. They see the sign and stop. They look at each other, shrug and walk into the building site.
They approach the small container with a sign attached. It reads ‘Site Office’. The couple enter the site office door.

INT - SITE OFFICE – DAY
A business man sits at a sparse desk. He wears a hardhat, although he is inside. The couple wearing lederhosen enter.

HARD HAT MAN
Yes? Can I help you?

LEDERHOSEN MAN
Vee are here.

HARD HAT MAN
Uh huh. I see that.

LEDERHOSEN MAN
Yes. Thank you.

They exit.

End.

Abortion: the case For and Against, with modest conclusions.

Against: Abortion is murder.
For: Meat is murder, too.
Conclusion: Let’s combine the two and eat those aborted fetuses.

Against: We shouldn’t kill anything sentient. Fetuses are sentient.
For: We shouldn’t kill anything sentient. Fetuses aren’t sentient.
Conclusion: Sentience means shit.

Against: Fetuses are cute. They can play with rattles and shit all day long, wear nappies and they even talk inside the womb.
For: Cattle are cute. They lie around all day and make funny noises that are very human-like. It’s just adorable.
Conclusion: Cuteness means shit.

Against: Just look at this picture, you cruel fucks.
For: Just look at this picture, you cruel fucks.
Neither for nor against: Just look at this picture, you cruel fucks.
Conclusion: Pictures mean shit.

For: People who are pro-life support the war in Iraq, which is ironic, since war is murder.
Against: People who are pro-choice are against the death penalty, which is ironic, since abortion is murder.
Conclusion: Irony means shit.

For: There are too many people in the world.
Against: There aren’t enough people in the world.
Conclusion: People mean shit.

For: You aren’t human until you’ve lived in the social world.
Against: If you don't allow something to live in the social world, how can it ever become human?
Conclusion: Twins are human in utero: they can be social with eachother. Single babies are not.

For: Babies aren’t babies until they are born.
Against: A shit is a shit before it comes out of your bottom.
Conclusion: The sorites paradox will not help.

Against: People should take responsibility for their actions and learn to live with the consequences of their actions.
For: My responsibility is to my friends: to party all night and hook up with heaps of guys whilst drunk.
Conclusion: Responsibilities are relative.

Against: Abortion is murder and therefore a sin.
For: I was raped by my brother and incest is a sin.
Conclusion: Religion means shit.

Against: I’m pro-life.
For: I’m pro-choice.
Conclusion: Irreducible complexity. Arguments need to get beyond this.

Family Member Dying Screws Up Christmas Dinner Plans

"

Rosie McDonald's extended family is distraught after brother-in-law Jake McDonald died mysteriously overnight. The aspiring actor was aged just 34.

Although not very close to Jake, Rosie McDonald expressed great doubts about the success of the holiday season following his death.
'This is just a disaster' McDonald said. 'This throws our entire Christmas Day plans completely out of whack. Now where's everyone going to sit?'

McDonald added that Jake's death meant her meticulously planned seating arrangement, based on UN Security Council meetings, was ruined, since 'there must be the perfect balance: if one member of the family isn't there, the whole scene falls apart'.

Rosie's planning of Christmas dinner and related events is a long held tradition in the McDonald family, ever since she married Jake's brother Andy and declared herself 'Queen of the Christmas Kitchen and KK Plans'. This was a position not previously held by any member of the immediate McDonald family, who had hitherto opted for a Christmas dinner eaten on laps in the lounge room.

Another famous new tradition that Andy's wife brought to the family was a diagrammatic KK system, where each person's KKs for the next five years is mapped in a chart. Jake's death has made this already unpopular idea untenable, with Rosie reportedly fuming that her brother-in-law had the gall to die before the time on her first KK graph had elapsed.

Andy and Jake's sister Pheobe said that although Jake's death was, 'I guess, a tragedy,' she felt 'sorta relieved that we don't have to adhere to Rosie's plans. I mean, my KK this year was Uncle Teddy. She knows I hate that guy'.

The matriarch of the McDonald clan, Mrs. Liliana McDonald concurred with her daughter, noting that 'That bitch has been fucking up our Christmas plans for way too many years. If only my son was man enough to stand up to her!'

Brother of the deceased - and Rosie's husband - Andy could not be reached for comment. Family members mentioned he was 'probably apologising to his wife for his brother's untimely, completely unexpected passing'.

"

Some (other) Important Things of Note Highlighted by the Latham Diaries

- That Latham has the balls to stand by his convictions and up to his enemies.

- Regardless of what you think of him, no other politician today has these kind of balls.

- Latham actually saved the world on numerous occasions under the alias 'Dr. Supermensch'.

- Sex with backbenchers is better because they are more eager. "No portfolio: no panties" is his rule.

- Latham sits at home nights just thinking about how 'true blue' he is.

- That regular Australians actually like this guy now, because he hates both Labor and the Coalition, just like they do.

- Remember: he called the PM an arselicker. In public.

- During that handshake, Latham might as well have been slipping Howard a note that says 'you win'.

- If he is making up even half of this stuff, Kim Beazley and the ALP are still in deep shit.

- After the election loss, Latham planned on finding out the names and numbers of the 'silent majority' so he could break their arms.

- He is probably going to make enough money off this book to live comfortably forever. The Australian Dream: sticking a dog up the bastards and being rich enough to gloat.

- Latham would actually punch Osama Bin Laden in the face. And Howard. And the Queen if need be.

- He just wasn't made for politics. He has emotions.

Looking All Over

Looking Bad.










Looking Good

American Fuckhead Mispronounces Melbourne in Terrorist Video

"

International terrorist pen-pal club al-Qaeda released a video yesterday, on the fourth anniversary of their one-off ‘party in the sky’, declaring that their next targets will be Los Angeles and a place called Mel-Born.

Terrorism experts are ‘pretty sure’ the American-accented Muslim – thought to be US citizen Adam Gadahn – was actually referring to the Australian city of Melbourne in the video, but are baffled that a supposedly technologically advanced terrorist network did not have the research capacities to find out how to pronounce the name of Australia’s coolest city.

Gadahn, who converted to Islam and became an avid supporter of Osama bin Laden after his book ‘Cinema Verite’s Implications For Terrorism in the 21st Centuy’, wears spectacles and a face-covering cloth in the new video, prompting some in the national security industry to nickname him ‘that four eyed cunt who can’t pronounce Melbourne properly’.


(Above: The guy who couldn't get laid or pronounce names of cities and took it out on the world)

Regular Melburnians had mixed feelings about the video, with some of those surveyed reporting fear and trepidation while others were just glad Australia was being included in the famous terrorist group’s thoughts.

“Yeah, I mean it’s a little scary, but it is pretty cool we’re being considered as enough of a threat to Muslim masculinity that we can be mentioned in one of those high-budget terrorist flicks” said 32 year old draftsperson Dale Rogers.

Hairdresser Prue Philbert, 24, was also optimistic, saying she wasn’t worried because “if they can’t pronounce the name, they probably can’t locate it on a map to attack it”.

ASIO is currently taking the mispronunciation pretty seriously, wondering if the publicity caused by the terrorist video will impact on international perceptions of Melbourne. "We just don't want people thinking it's pronounced Mel-Born" said ASIO spokesperson Janet White.

Technical experts are investigating the video, thought to be made of magnetic tape.
"

Violence Over Best Star Wars Film By Irish Factions Continues

"

Rioters in Ireland have destroyed several city blocks with firebombs and rumours of suicide bombers, after new heated public arguments over which Star Wars film is the best broke into the streets. This new wave of violence between sworn rivals “Empire Strikes Back Army” and the “Return of the Jedi Front” signals an end to the long-touted and hitherto hopeful peace talks that were to commence in two weeks’ time.

The long and bitter feud between Irish Star Wars fans is almost as old as the series itself, beginning in 1983 after the final movie in the original trilogy was released, when the previous “Irish Star Wars Fan Club” splintered into a two factions: those who appreciated the newest installment in the series; and those who felt let down and disappointed by the Ewok-laden third film.

The violence began at the first Irish Star Wars Fan Convention after the release of ‘Jedi’, which had previously been peaceful and celebratory, when somebody – both sides say it was the other – yelled out “Fuck your movie” and threw a cream bun at the opposing side, starting a large food fight.

From these inauspicious beginnings things escalated into more intense and harsh combat styles. Food fights became punch-ons, which became all-in brawls, which became shootings, which led to what Ireland witnessed today; rioting, suicide and firebombing. Plot became theology and now there are two main religions in Ireland: Empire-ism and Jedi-ism. Both are essentially the same but in Jedi-ism, Luke and Leia are siblings.

This newest firebombing has all the hallmarks of a terrorist attack, but so far neither side of the Star Wars fan terrorist contingent has stepped forward and taken responsibility for it. Empire Army spokesperson Ralph McCullough paraphrased Yoda on the matter, saying “Suicide-bomb or do not suicide-bomb: there is no injury”.

"

Carbon 14 Dating Service: Scientifically Verified for Love!

"
Lonely? Single? In an unfulfilling relationship? We just might have the thing for you!

Tell me, have you ever just asked yourself "Boy, I feel like I was born in the wrong century"? Or perhaps "I just wasn't made for these times"? Or "I'm really looking for somebody much older than me"? Well, fret not, dear lurve-lovers, for Carbon-14 Dating is just the thing for you!

Carbon-14 Dating is an exciting new dating technique that far surpasses our competitors. AND we have science on our side! Science!


Just look at this diagram! Isn't that just the sexiest thing in a millenium?

Ladies, you know OUR men will be mature! And, guys, what could be hotter than an accurately dated specimen? Or speci-woman. If that's your thing!

Carbon-14 Dating is scientifically proven to be great for dating! And we can accurately pick the date for you! Within 40, 000 years! 40, 000 years of LOVE that is!


Just check out this sexy man. He knows about Carbon-14 Dating. He's guaranteed to love you. And ladies, he's single and close to his family!

So, if you'd like to go on a Carbon-14 Date, just call our Professor of Love, Dr. Finklestein on 1902-Pi (to 16 places).

"

One Line Time

"They say that if you shower for 3 minutes less you'll save 200 glasses of water. Who wants to drink shower water?"

New Support Emerges for Intelligent Doughnut Theory

"

With the Western world seemingly disenchanted with scientific explanations for the nature of the universe, a new body of enquiry has developed, heralded as the bearer of good new research in a long-running debate. The Creation Institute is a new foundation dedicated to the emerging area of study concerned with the cosmological and theological aspects of this great big wide universe of ours. The jewel in the crown of the Creation Institute is the newly espoused "Intelligent Doughnut" theory, now currently gaining momentum.

The theory's chief describer, Theodore Tahu, says that Intelligent Doughnut will change the face of the theological-political complex landscape. "We have acquired enough evidence to now be able to proclaim with some certainty, that the universe is definitely the product of a giant, glorious Doughnut in the sky" the 43 year old said, making air-quotes aroud the word 'evidence'.

Former school principal Tahu also offered examples of his grand unifying theory in order to persuade the skeptical. "Just look at the way certain things in this world are shaped and you will see, a priori, their inherent 'doughnut-ness'" Tahu said. "Bagels, car tyres and, of course, doughnuts themselves all resemble doughnuts - the geometrical archetype that forms the basis of all structure in our six thousand year old universe".

Other examples include the more contentious theory of the 'doughnutimous mind', which holds that the actual structure of the human mind is doughnut-shaped, with a hole in the centre called the 'Eye of the Doughnut', the area from which the Great Almighty Doughnut speaks to all true believers.

Although evolution by natural selection still has a lot of sway, ID and the Creation Institute itself has bolstering support and monetary contributions from such groups as the Extra Chromsone Institute; the Lobotomised Pastors Group; and the Amalgamated Monocular Engineers Union. Despite such impressive backers, Tahu and ID have come under criticism from certain sectors of the Creationist world for being blasphemous to other theories' tenets. Such as, for example, failing to recognise St. Wedding Ring's Day as a proper holiday.

Just this week Roger Descartes of the Intelligent Christmas Wreath Society attacked Tahu for his "inability to grasp the finer, more subtle points of the theology. I mean, theory". Descartes, for example, does not dispute the shape of the universe as being circular with a hole in the middle, but disagrees with Tahu's application of it to realms such as cooking.

"Descartes just doesn't understand that in order for the Almighty to truly see us, everything we consume and excrete must resemble It. Therefore, it is imperative that I make my roast chicken doughnut shaped" Tahu said, in response to the Intelligent Christmas Wreath criticism. "Just because he didn't like my Sunday roast two weeks ago doesn't mean he should engage in sledging me in public".

At the conclusion of our interview, Tahu reminded everyone to pray to the Great Doughnut at least three times a day, facing in the direction of the nearest doughnut shop.

"

Prediction: Katrina Either Least or Most Popular Baby Name of 2006