Violence Over Best Star Wars Film By Irish Factions Continues

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Rioters in Ireland have destroyed several city blocks with firebombs and rumours of suicide bombers, after new heated public arguments over which Star Wars film is the best broke into the streets. This new wave of violence between sworn rivals “Empire Strikes Back Army” and the “Return of the Jedi Front” signals an end to the long-touted and hitherto hopeful peace talks that were to commence in two weeks’ time.

The long and bitter feud between Irish Star Wars fans is almost as old as the series itself, beginning in 1983 after the final movie in the original trilogy was released, when the previous “Irish Star Wars Fan Club” splintered into a two factions: those who appreciated the newest installment in the series; and those who felt let down and disappointed by the Ewok-laden third film.

The violence began at the first Irish Star Wars Fan Convention after the release of ‘Jedi’, which had previously been peaceful and celebratory, when somebody – both sides say it was the other – yelled out “Fuck your movie” and threw a cream bun at the opposing side, starting a large food fight.

From these inauspicious beginnings things escalated into more intense and harsh combat styles. Food fights became punch-ons, which became all-in brawls, which became shootings, which led to what Ireland witnessed today; rioting, suicide and firebombing. Plot became theology and now there are two main religions in Ireland: Empire-ism and Jedi-ism. Both are essentially the same but in Jedi-ism, Luke and Leia are siblings.

This newest firebombing has all the hallmarks of a terrorist attack, but so far neither side of the Star Wars fan terrorist contingent has stepped forward and taken responsibility for it. Empire Army spokesperson Ralph McCullough paraphrased Yoda on the matter, saying “Suicide-bomb or do not suicide-bomb: there is no injury”.

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