"Sure I'll do jury duty. On one condition: I want Joe Korp's case"

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Dear Juries Commissioner's Office,

Pursuant to your letter of August 4th and the Juries Act 2000, my presence has been requested for jury service during the period 19 September to 25th of Novemeber. Now, originally I had planned on attempting to politely decline because of my full-time student status or advanced age of something, but I've now come to the conclusion that I would love to do jury duty on one very simple condition: I want the Joe Korp case.

Now, I realise there's no way you could organise for this to happen. At least, not 'legally'. But, I've known enough shady characters in my time to understand that business done 'behind the books', as it were, is very common. So common that I can't see how the Juries Commisssioner could have an ethical problem with it. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me explain the conditionality of my jury service.

It's no secret that Joe Korp's attempted-murder charge will be upgraded to a murder charge now that his wife has died after that feeding tube incident. It's also no secret that the trial will be a pretty high-profile case. Now, this is a very good situation - not for Joe or Maria, I'm sure; but for me, an aspiring celebrity. I can think of no way to better fast track my rise to the top of the pop culture pile by being the 'cool' juror, you know.

I understand that it's all meant to be confidential. And, yeah, I understand that Victoria doesn't have the kind of show-trial supporting media that, say, the Michael Jackson case does. But nonetheless, I think there's a likelihood that a young, good looking, media-savvy personality like myself serving on the jury of a famous case would be advantageous to both my own career and the Juries Commissioner's Office in general. After all, you can't tell me the Juries Commissioner's Office is overexposed, now can you? Frankly, I'd fire your current PR guy. I hadn't even heard of you before this nice templated letter yesterday.

So, there's my proposal. I'll do jury duty if you can somehow 'guarantee' I will be on the jury for Joe Korp's impending murder trial. Note I said jury, not jury pool. I'm sure you can find a way to make sure I'm not peremptorily struck.

Regards
(Name Witheld)

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