"Mike, I'm gonna have to say thanks, but no thanks to doing This is Your Life"

"

Look, I know you've always been a big fan of mine, and I can understand how eager everybody might be but, I'm sorry, I'll have to decline, Mike. I don't think I want to be the subject of an episode of This is Your Life.

I've been thinking this over in my head for a while now. And, yeah, I know you haven't asked me yet. But I can feel it: You're going to approach me about detailing my life, through a series of long lost friends and family members and broadcasting it on television. And I'm going to have to say no. Sorry, it's just not my thing. I think that, as a big celebrity, it cheapens my work - all of it, even the work I don't acknowledge anymore. I didn't spend all these years filming trips to the toilet, selling the tapes on ebay and making money out of misery just to see it all reduced to some flashing dots on prime time Channel 9.

Besides, it's all very self-involved, self-obsessed, self-aggrandizing and other adjectives with the prefix 'self'. It's that bad. To me, of course; I'm sure you find great fulfilment in what you do, Mike. But it's not me. We don't need another chapter to my life's well worn book. Between the sixteen authorised biographies I sanctioned last year, the memoirs I optioned as a biopic and my new line of trendy formal wear, I think that, for now, it's best to let this television opportunity slide. I mean, come on. I'm hardly underexposed.

Anyway, I'm sure there are many more celebrities - ones equally as famous as me - who would jump at the chance to be on This is Your Life. Like, um, that guy. You know, he was on Neighbours for a couple of days. Sam, I think his name was. Cockatoo hair, cute dog? No? Well, what about...Oh, I know, the guys on that sketch comedy show on Channel 31. I think they'd do it in a flash....no? You only want me? I'm flattered, really. But no.

Let me tell you a story. I used to dream of a day like this, when Mike Willesee himself would want me - what? Oh, sorry: Mike Monroe - would personally ask me to do his surprise biography show. But I didn't make home made movies of my sisters sucking off horses while kneeling on the Bible just to throw my artistic integrity away for selfish reasons.

So, as I say, thanks but no thanks. I have a reputation to think about.

"