Pitches for Movies They'll (Probably) Never Make

Title: Compulsive Shumpulsive
Tagline: "Sometimes you only have to open your door - then close it, then open it again, then close it, then lock it, then unlock it, then lock it- to find hope"
Synposis: In the cruel dictatorship of Politzville, people suffering from OCD are taxed more for their water usage. This provokes an uprising from the afflicted: with amusing consequences! Includes soon-to-be-infamous scene where the Compulsives Union march on the capital, having to take convoluted routes because there are too many cracks in the straight road. They also have to literally take one step back for every two steps forward. Destined to be a classic.

Title: A Loser, Am I?
Tagline: "The feel good movie of the Autumn."
Synopsis: A boy bullied all his through his school years because he can't play sport finally realises the way to solve his problem is to show that he isn't actually the 'loser' he is thought to be. One fateful night he steals all the trophies he can find and brings them to school the next day. He sets them up on his desk and smirks at people as they walk by. "Now they'll see I'm not a loser" he thinks to himself. But it all goes horribly wrong when one of the bullies points out that the trophies belong to his older sister and are, after all, for ballet. The kid later dies from the injuries sustained.

Title: The Neopolitan Fire Brigade
Tagline: "Fire and Ice-Cream"
Synopsis: In the irreverent fashion of the Full Monty and Brassed Off comes another picture about small-town folks with big-town hearts. The Metropolitan Fire Brigade of the tiny hamlet of Hamlet needs a gimmick. They are fast becoming useless since Hamlet won the record for World's Wettest Place and a glitch in the local charter means a full-time, full salaried Fire Brigade must be present at all public functions! Add to this that money is needed for Mrs MacGilicuddy's Fete this year and time is running out! Just when all hope was thought lost, good ol' Fireman Sam Briton comes up with the perfect idea: sell ice cream from the fire trucks! Features fantastic climax where a fire actually breaks out and everyone throws ice-cream at it.

Title: Dry, Dry, Dead.
Tagline: "Your tears will be dry...forever!"
Synopsis: In the tradition of Soylent Green comes a thriller about a Talcum Powder manufacturer that is sent anthrax by a terrorist group. Because of its appearance and texture, nobody notices it until it is too late. Or is it? (Hint: No. We'll stretch this out to 90 minutes somehow).

Title: How Appropriate: Behind the Ridicule.
Tagline: "You saw them briefly embarrased. Now see extended shame".
Synopsis: Documentary detailing the true story of a sadistic quiz show where each question asked was all too applicable for the contestants. For example, a fat woman would come on the show and be asked to answer the question: " What is the name of the weight loss drug popular with supermodels?" or a man with one eye asked to define 'Cylcops'. Features all new interviews with the contestants who, somehow, got over it all very quickly. (Legal note: the quiz show in question denies the appropriate nature of the questions is anything more than conincidence to this very day).

Title: Lint and Other Lies
Tagline: "Ever wondered where lint REALLY comes from?"
Synopsis: Ever wondered where lint comes from? Hardened journalist Davo McDave is determined to find out after his beloved wife Trudy was killed in a freak laundry accident. He discovers that a secret government organisation, employing midgets trained in ninja, distributes the bizarre collections of linen fibres to households everywhere, secretly placing lint in the population's belly buttons, arse cracks and pockets. McDave becomes a man possessed and goes undercover, infiltrating the midget gang (which involves a fantastic scene where a black market doctor removes his knees) and discovers the harrowing truth about Trudy!
Could be either a thriller or a screwball comedy, depending on direction.

Title: Legacy Eternal
Tagline: "One Man's Tale"
Synopsis: A man is thrown into solitary confinement for some unspecified crime. He is to stay there until he dies. He will have no outside contact with the world, but has all the access to pencils and paper he wants. He has this one final chance to make his life meaningful; to be remembered. He has these unending reams of paper and unblunting pencils to write or draw the greatest work of art he can. It is his one chance at being eternal. Unfortunately he has dysentery and has to use all the paper for toiletry purposes.