That Old Standby: the Comic Horoscope

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Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You've always believed your hair was the source of your power, but after your next haircut you'll discover it's also the source of your ability to maintain vital bodily functions.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - All the planets are having a party this weekend so it pretty much doesn't matter what you do. Just don't piss Jupiter off on Sunday morning - he'll be very hungover.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) - You will suddenly find yourself married in Asia this week when you mistake the Bird finger sign as meaning the same thing in every culture.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)- You'll really wish you had paid more attention in RE class when you choose 'sodomy' over 'rum' and 'the lash' in your multiple-choice Navy initiation ceremony.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)- You will disprove the belief that time heals everything when your long running open wounds finally kill you from blood loss.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) - Becoming addicted to cough medicine may be a low-rent drug problem, but it sure tastes better than ecstasy.

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)- You will finally find out you have, in fact, been worshipping the wrong god this week when armageddon comes and you don't recognise Zeus.

Aries (Mar 21 - April 19) - Upon arrival in Hell you'll be both relieved and annoyed that this eternity you're to burn for is actually only as long as an Enya record.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)- You knew being the PR guy of the most despised man on Earth would be tough, but you'll still be upset when some kids let your tires down.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - Family tradition has always been important to you, which is why you'll soon develop a liver disease in honour of your late grandfather's drinking habits.

Cancer(June 22 - July 22) - You've always been afraid that your star sign would someday become portentous. Well, no need to be afraid anymore.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - Be careful of what you write in your blog this week. In three thousand years it will become the basis of the most popular religion on New Earth.

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