Delusions of Stand Up Comedy Gold

“Good evening everybody, I’ll be your mic-warm up guy. I’ve had a few hits at this gig. You might know a couple of them. Um, ‘Check 1, Check 2’ anybody? 'Testing, testing'. That was one of mine…”

“…So, I’m a proponent of Chinese Medicine. My GP’s name is Dr. Wang….”

“…I had anorexia as a teenager. Yeah, I saw my Mum do all that cooking and cleaning the dishes and I just thought…I shouldn’t have to put her through that. It never occurred to me to just help her out. But you know, teenagers are stubborn. Once you get your heart set on an idea…”

“…But the truth is I just wanted attention. See I have a twin brother and I had to be separate from him, define myself in opposition to him. So, he became the hot, muscular one; I became the weedy, on-death’s-door one. It’s typical twin behaviour…right, Mary Kate? Besides, girls love guys that are individuals…right girls? And what’s more individual than a male anorexic? I guess a female non-anorexic...”

“…It’s nice to be out with a classy crowd tonight. You know, people who don’t refer to cask wine as ‘goon’. You know the people I’m talking about. Hippies, losers, beatniks: some of my closest friends…that I use for drugs. Classy drugs, of course. Not the kind that gets you arrested in Indonesia. None of that LOSER shit.”

“…I had a friend who was a socialist. She used to blame everything on capitalism. I mean, everything. She blamed capitalism when she broke up with her boyfriend. But, then, she was going out with Milton Friedman, so…”

“…And the Victory sign became the peace sign again. It was, once again, a political statement. For about 5 seconds. As soon as a rapper starts doing something like that, its shelf life is diminished.”

“…See, I really wanted to write a joke about schadenfreude, but I couldn’t think of anything good. Then, my friend tried to tell a joke about schadenfreude and it was a really terrible joke. That made me feel good…”

“…Thank you, you’ve been a moderate-to-good audience. Have a moderate-to-good night.”