People You Don’t Want Singing at Your Funeral

- Ashley or Jessica Simpson – because, you know, they’re terrible

- Bono from U2 – because it will no longer be your funeral: it will be a requiem for all the innocent victims of the failed revolution, man.

- Phil Anselmo– because in between songs he will be spouting drunken banter like “How many o’ y’all mother fuckers been with [your name] from the beginning? Because…the fuckin’ media have been pissing on [your name] for the last…hell, [your name] was my brother, my sister, my everything I….you know what? Fuck y’all”

- Mike Patton – as if he’d be able to take anything seriously, least of all your life.

- Vince Neil from Motley Crue – because he’d be asking everybody to get up and party all the time.

- Abbath from Immortal – because you don’t want anybody looking more dead than the fellow in the casket, now, do you?

- Marilyn Manson – ripping up the Bible during your funeral might not wholly appropriate, especially if the service is in a Church.

- Axl Rose from Guns and Roses – because he’d storm off the performance space because of the shitty sound system.

- James Hetfield from Metallica – how many rednecky ‘yeahs!’ are really needed at a funeral?

- David Lee Roth – because he’ll have a falling out with the accompanist and then try and do CPR on your body.

- Syd Barrett – because…actually, if you can get him to perform, I’ll come to your damn funeral.