"Baby, I swear I will never hit you - that hard - again"

"

Calm down, honey. I know you’re upset right now, and that’s understandable. I was totally and completely out of line. I should never have hit you that hard. And I swear to you here and now with our Dog as my witness that never again will I hit you as hard as I did last night.

But you’ve got to understand it from my point of view: I was just sitting here in my own living room, trying to relax and watch the footy when you come barging in complaining about how I’m getting ciggy ash all over the carpet and how your Michael Buble CDs aren’t coasters. I mean, do you have any idea what that can do to a man?

So I gave you a whack. And, in retrospect, it was probably – no, definitely, you’re right – too hard. That level of physical abuse shouldn’t have to be tolerated by a woman in this day and age. For that, I apologise. How can I make it clear to you that this will never happen – to that extent – ever again? Really? OK, I can do that…

Right, here goes. I’m on my knees, baby, pleading. Baby doll, I promise you – and this promise means more to me than any of those other promises I made and broke, like the time I told you I would never ash on the carpet again – that I will never, at least hardly ever, hit you again. At least…not that hard.

"