Things to Do at the Obligatory Christmas Mass

- Tally the people in the congregation who you would you have sex with, if forced to decide.

- Wonder how many of the people there under thirty were dragged along by their families.

- Enjoy the throng of sibilants that erupts as a result of a couple of hundred people saying "in accordance with the scriptures"

- Resist the urge to scream out "Blashyrkh mighty raven dark!" when the congregation says "deliver us from evil" during the Lord's Prayer.

- Think of how many arguments could be won/lost simply by saying "Jesus said so"

- Compile your favourite fictional festive characters: Santa, Rudolph, Jesus...

- During the Gospel reading, nudge the person next to you and say loudly "When does Santa come into the story?"

- Think of something to write in your blog.