Guy Tries to Masturbate Fear of Terrorism Away
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Fear of terrorism in the West has risen to new heights following the harrowing attacks on London, prompting unprecedented levels of masturbation in Devin Sawyer, a 24 year old desk clerk for a Melbourne business. Since first hearing the news, Sawyer has pleasured himself no less than 12 times; a physical feat accomplished only with the help the international news media, who have brought him constant updates on the "shitty state of the world"
The most intense "wank session" thus far was the very first, just after hearing about the explosions in the English capital, when Sawyer repeated “It’s all gonna be ok” to himself as he sweated like a hog, beating off to the classic pornographic 'gonzo' film, Up and Cummers 11 – one of Jenna Jameson’s first guy-girl sex scenes. “Yeah, I was hoping that marveling at Randy West’s groundbreaking internal popshot at the conclusion of the scene would be enough to keep my mind off London being bombed" said the former Boy Scout. "But, nope. I still feel fucking awful".
Sawyer, also an aspiring drummer, says he will perservere despite still not feeling any better after "flogging the bishop" so much. "I've got a few movies downloading at the moment that will hopefully aid in giving me some release" Sawyer said. "Here's hoping Michelle Wild can make all the pain go away".
This is not the only account of people dealing with fear of terrorism by over-indulgence or sublimation. There have been reports of excessive gum-chewing, lactating and blogging amongst those emotionally affected by the recent terror attacks.
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posted by Daniel @ 11:33 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
Gee, great commentary, very inspiring. I can see you really reached down deep for something relevant and meaningful to say about the deaths of over 50 people. Maybe tomorrow you can make some empty, pointless post about murdered children. I'll be sure to tell the folks at Nobel to put down as a nominee this year.
Thank you.
Actually...Perhaps I should be maudlin. Maybe then my reactions will count. Obviously I can't care about things because I choose to deal with the situation with humour. I'm not allowed to be afraid.
Uuuh, what is maudlin? Is another disgusting thing you Ausies put on your toast ? Listen. I realize that maybe you do actually have some emotions about recent advents, but I think that paring them up with "masturbation" might be a tad much ! if you acn admit that, I'll admit that maybe my comment was a little harsh.
i think thats the funniest thing i've read in a long time. Newty, dont get all upaty about it - he wasnt insulting the dead, nor commenting about them - he's just finding a humourous side - as long as you can laugh, your a winner!
Cheers, mate.
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