Plenty wrong with Australian Idol

While it seems futile to talk about what is wrong with Australian Idol, I thought a few quick key points should be made about why Australian Idol is even worse than it has to be. This list could be constantly updated

1. Marcia's ebonics - Ok, you're African-American. We get it. That's no excuse to litter every utterance with dated, stereotype-confirming, wigga-inducing palare. If she has ever said anything that wasn't so laden with cliches that it weighed down the actual content of the sentence and drowned any sincerity she may have intended, I've not seen it.

2. Dicko's defiance - It's one thing to admit you're a cocksucking major record label producer, it's another to personify scum and then act as if there is no difference between Kelly Clarkson and Roger Waters (both about as good looking as each other). Dicko is defiant in his role as the 'producer guy'. Every so often he gets on his high horse about how the competition isn't 'glorified karaoke' - as if there is something inherently wrong with karaoke that isn't present in Idol - and that performer x has proved all the critics wrong because they managed that oh-so-hard task of being able to carry a tune. Dicko's pseudo-poltical persona grates also. Whilst I applaud him for his honesty, what he likes is often as bad as what he hates. And, really, when he's at home by himself, he's not listening to Rob Mills. And if he is..,man, what a cocksucker.

3. Holden's idiocy - Mark Holden's claim to fame since being a one-time pop singer is that he writes and produces for Vanessa Amorosi. He holds her up as the bastion of popstardom and something all the Idol contestants should aspire to. That's right, the same Vanessa Amorosi that hasn't released anything in four years and may never be heard from again. Aside from that, Holden is a victim of the fads and his whole 'touchdown' catch-phrase - not to mention the others- is vapid, bloated and unnecessary. That said, he can sometimes be the voice of reason (but when you're stuck between an arrogant Brit and an American in Australian clothing, what recourse to 'reason' is there?).

4. Foreman's arrangements - If John Foreman is a better band leader, pianist, musician etc. than Chong Lim (who made the switch to 7 along with Daryl Somers) I will eat Sydney. Aside from his nasal voice, awful appearance and arrogance, Foreman's arrangements of the Idol songs are pop-by-numbers and always include some kind of shitty key change even if the original didn't have one. Case in point: last night was the Beatlemania episode. Aside from it being among the more horrible things I will witness this year (unless, of course, I stumble across execution footage or child porn), it involved changing Lennon/McCartney songs to no end (luckily, I don't think Idol has the rights to any Harrison songs). Firstly, George Martin and Paul McCartney's arrangements on the original Beatles albums are literally flawless and any attempt to change them is folly. Foreman, apparently acting on behalf of the Idol contestants, rearranged certain songs. Even if the contestants wanted something changed, Foreman was the one who actually did it. And you don't rearrange Beatles songs; especially with crappy key changes.

5. The Banter - Believe it or not, Andrew G and James aren't quite the fuckwits they appear to be on Network Ten. Their banter is written for them by hacks and it is noticeably more awful than the ad-libs they do on [V]. On Channel [V], with the free-reign and freedom of pay-tv, they can be much less watered down and more natural in their banter. Before Idol they didn't actually present together very much. They were only put together because Fremantle Media, I guess, wanted to create Australia's own Ant and Dec (am I the only one who remembers they used to be a shitty, failed pop group called PJ and Duncan?). In any case, Idol has perhaps ruined any entertainment I used to get out of them; let's just hope Yumi Stynes doesn't get pulled into free-to-air watered-down programming. Lucky for me, free-to-air probably isn't ready for a non-white tv presenter (well, Ernie Dingo, maybe).

There's more, but even I am sick of this.