Dumping Emma: A story of male cowardice. Part Two.

"

Right. So, I'm past all the preliminary stages of preparing to dump my 'girlfriend' Emma and now I'm up to the nitty gritty: the method. It's harder than you might think, coming up with a game-plan for dumping someone. You have to take into account all kinds of things, like where the best place to avoid a scene is, what time of day it is, what day of the week, and whether or not it should be done in person. Dumping's a tough business.

The first question I need to ask myself is, do I do the deed in person or not? Thinking about it, dumping someone over the phone - or better, SMS - has a privacy and intimacy that might not be found in an 'in-person' break-up. Then again, privacy and intimacy might not be the right emotions to project when telling someone they essentially aren't good enough for you anymore. Also, there's the possibility that Emma's anger at actually being dumped over a phone, fax or email will be worse than anything I would have to endure during an in-person dumping. After all, in-person I'll get the "Well, at least you had the guts to do this in person" speech (through tears if I'm lucky), which gets me some last-grasp brownie points.

So, given the above, I think breaking up with Emma in person is probably the best plan. God, it will be stressful though. Why can't those Jim's Mowing guys have a Jim's Dumping service where you can just delegate your emotional responsibilities. Something to work on in the future, perhaps.

Anyway, since I'm going to be breaking Emma's little heart with my face firmly to face with hers, the next question to be answered is, where should this dumping be done? I've actually given this one a bit of thought and I've already ruled out doing it at my house, since if she goes mental I don't want my stuff getting thrown around and broken. There's some new things in my room I wouldn't want hurled at me in a fit of rage, you know? Similarly, if I do it at her place, her loud wails and tears will surely arouse the suspicion of other people in the house, making my speedy exit very awkward as her family watch me every step of the way, from Emma's heart to their front door and beyond.

All this leads me to think that the best place for the dumping is a third venue, like a restaurant. Let's say I take her out for dinner and at sometime during the meal, subtlely slip in that this is the end. The question then, of course, is which course should the dumping occur in? I tend to think dessert, since it's nice to have something sweet in your mouth when there's sour news to be heard. Still, there's something to be said for a main-course break. Suggestions, anyone?

Most importantly, what eatery would be best for this type of thing? It has come to my attention that a classy restaurant is the best bet, since a woman is unlikely to make a scene if there are posh people in nice clothes and sipping expensive wine around. Trouble is, what counts as classy these days? Obviously, McDonald's is out (though, this DeliChoice stuff has gotten them a more urbane clientele, I notice) but what about La Porchetta? Too cheesy?

Smorgy's seems to be the intermediate, no? I'll mull over this a bit more, but I think my plan of action is taking form. The dumping shall occur at a restaurant somewhat resembling Smorgy's at sometime soon-ish.

Finally, I'd like to address something here. Dump is such a harsh word and I'd prefer not to use it. I mean, it’s not like I’m leaving her in the lurch without any hope. I mean, if I do it in a public place there will be heaps of other guys around she can perve on after I’ve told her she’s dropped. I’m a pretty considerate guy like that.

"