Dumping Emma: A story of male cowardice. Part One.

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Well, I guess I should introduce myself. I’m Chris and I’ve set up this blog as a document of this period of my life, which is, at the moment, characterized by my plan to dump my girlfriend Emma. Consider this a ‘legacy document’ for the relationship of Chris and Emma (and its ultimate downfall). In years to come, I can look back on this and go ‘that was me, then. Wasn’t it?’

I’ll be talking about the reasons why I’ve come to this conclusion and give insight into this period of my life so that in years to come…oh, I already said that, didn’t I? Emma and I have been together for close on fourteen months, which is a record for both of us. So, no matter what happens, we’ve always got that

Anyway, it all began last weekend. I was at a mate’s house, pissing up; and I was going on a bit, complaining about Emma, when Clarky piped up with “Well, why don’t you dump the slut then?” The thought had never occurred to me before, though I did point out to Clarky that ‘that slut has a name’ before considering his proposition. (Though, just quietly, I must admit, remembering that slut’s name after 25 beers was a bit of a task)

Before I had much time to consider it, I was suddenly being dared to dump Emma. And, call me old-fashioned, I’m a man who does what his mates dare him to. Even if it ends up in lock-up, an ugly chick’s bed or Wodonga. That’s just the kind of bloke I am.

So, why dump Emma? Well, to begin with, she’s a little bit dumb. Not dumb-dumb, but dumb enough for it to be a problem. I hate to say it, I mean, I probably love her but…she’s pretty much beneath me, intellectually speaking. Example: she thought that the Second World War was in the 50s! As we all know, it was, like, in the 30s or something.
Secondly, she’s pretty dull. You know, the music she listens to is bo-ring. I’ll be ready to rock out with my cock out, and she’s sitting there with fricken Pink Floyd on or something. She’ll be all “Oh Chris, this music puts me in the mood…” and I’m just like “Whatever! Get some Eminem in the house!” Then she gets upset! Get over it. What year is this anyway?

Oh, and another reason. She wants me to be, like, a father figure and shit. And, you know, man, I like George Michael as much as the next bloke, but I can’t even take care of sea monkeys. I’d just let her down, you know?

Now, I need to set a time for myself by which I have to have done ‘the deed’. It has to be after my birthday because she does get good presents and the sex will actually be very good then. However, it has to be before our anniversary because it will be hard to break up after such a milestone and, really, I can’t afford to get a soon-to-be-ex girlfriend a present.

Therefore, by my calculations I will have to have dumped her by 6 weeks’ time. I will need that time to build up the courage, after all.

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