Hegder's 'Blog'

Dimensions of Drug Control

2006-10-05T15:43:00.000+10:00

Drug control policy is often directed by its political dimension. Since governments aim to stay in power by keeping their mandate, appealing to public concerns about drugs is a seemingly logical move. However, the public may not be informed about drugs, their effects and their correlation to crime. As such, if public opinion is based on prejudices and bad information, such prejudice and misinformation gets codified into drug control policy.

By the same token, the symbolic dimensions of drug control policy and its related effects need to be taken into account. What a given drug control policy or program symbolises in the collective mind of the public is an important consideration. After all, if there is not public support - or worse, if there is public disapproval - the actual effectiveness of an approach to drug control is void. This essay aims, then, to investigate and discuss the extent to which the political and symbolic components of approaches to drug control policy and programs have an effect and how these might be manipulated to the ends of different parties. Some modest suggestions are made for how drug control policies with a harm minimization approach might be able to use the political and symbolic dimensions in different ways to appeal to the public in getting groundswells of support for more radical programs.

As Keenan (2004: 74) notes, people's understandings and beliefs about drug use are socially constructed. As such, they are subject to change as the years go by and society shifts. The public relays information to the powerful and the powerful try and reflect this in their decisions. Indeed, it might be compared to a feedback loop between the political, policy-making/program-directing bodies and the public; its 'customers', if you will. Somewhere along the way, however, advantage can be taken of this precarious interaction by appealing to populist prejudices and fears. It is in this space, then, that this discussion is concerned: the political and symbolic dimensions of policy and practice regarding drug control.

Attitudes towards drugs, and thus the policies that control them, have always been subject to the social and political mores of the day. Drug usage as an issue of public merit and salience did not come about until the late 1960s, when usage - and importantly, public awareness of usage - increased (Brereton, 2000: 91). Historically, then, approaches to the issue of drugs in society has always been subject to the winds of social and political change. This makes sense, of course, since politicians are supposed to respond to their mandate and reflect the values of their constituencies, but as Rouse and Johnson (1991: 210) note, "policymakers and citizens must become aware of how their personal moral standards affect political life and policy choices". Discussions about the political and symbolic implications of such policy should at the very least inspire some sort of reflexivity in the key stakeholders and players in the drug control arena.
There is evidence to suggest that drug control policy has little or no actual effect on drug use and related behaviours. In a study that compared Amsterdam, having a de facto decriminalization approach, with San Francisco, which has a punishment-based prohibitive model, it was found that despite differing drug policies both cities had remarkably similar rates of drug usage duration and cessation (Reinarman et al, 2004: 840). It was concluded that "if drug policies are a potent influence on user behaviour, there should not be such strong similarities across such different drug control regimes" (ibid: 840-841).

Rather than formal drug policies having an effect, Reinarman et al suggest that what is more likely to affect drug behaviours are informal social controls. That is, usage is structured according to 'subcultural etiquette', rather than to laws and policies (ibid: 841). If this is the case and formal drug policy's actual effects are in fact somewhat negligible, the question must be asked: what role does drug policy have at the political and symbolic level? After all, if drug policy is irrelevant, its total function might be in the realm of the political and symbolic.
Drug trafficking is an illegitimate market. As such, eradicating these avenues of trade is important to legitimate the economic order. Symbolically, the free-enterprise capitalist system can be seen as being undermined by the very presence of the drug trade. Thus, while border control and other means of combating the illegal drug trade may never actually completely dispose of these markets, it is important at the political level that a government is seen to be doing something, so that faith may be restored in the legitimate economic order: legitimacy must be protected.

It is perhaps for these reasons that recent international incidents involving Australians and the drug trade have been the focus of so much media saturation. That these stories get covered and splashed across the front pages is, at the subtextual level, a message to Australians that drugs are bad, and that getting involved with them can only end one way: death, either by abuse or by capital punishment. In order to legitimise the idea that Australia must be perceived as 'tough on drugs’, the Australian government's official response to cases such as Shapelle Corby, Van Nguyen and the Bali Nine has been reflective of its approach to the drug control issue.
The symbolic and political dimensions are related to the extent that agents of the political can influence public perception, and thus the symbolic element. For example, an influential politician spouting rhetoric about her opponents being 'soft on drugs' and being ineffectual as leaders in drug policy has the potential to affect the perceptions of that politician or party in general approach. Thus, it can be seen as important to make sure a message that will appeal to the public - the voters - is espoused. This, however, does not mean changing a policy to suit public opinion. To the contrary, all it may mean is clever marketing campaigns which reframe the situation and redefine what it means to in fact be 'soft' or 'tough' on drugs and crime.
Such tactics will have to be modified from one community to the next as contextual and demographical differences come to the fore. As Graycar et al note in relation to prohibitionist measures, "the tactics must fit the community, the location and the market; there is no one approach which suits all" (1999: 6). The very fact of these differing approaches can be seen to highlight the vastly constructed nature of drug control policy: after all, is it not the case that presentation (note: not necessarily content) of policy to be in tune with the mores and attitudes of a community is very much like that other typically amoral enterprise, advertising and marketing?

One of the arguments being presented here is that whatever the accuracy of relevant facts, certain information being presented (and the inverse, certain other information not being presented) carries with it political implications. For example, the US State Department cites cannabis production and consumption as a 'serious problem', noting that today's marijuana is "not the 'pot' of the 70s" (US Department of State, 2005: 5). Whether or not this is true, stating that the chemical compounds that make cannabis effective are now much stronger and, indeed, more dangerous and addictive (ibid), works in a political sense to attempt to sway those who might belong to a generation that did view cannabis as relatively harmless.

It can be suggested at this point that the aims of drug control policy-makers and program directors who would like to see a harm-minimisation angle in approaches to these issues should thus not be concerned with changing their methods per se, but with changing the presentation and application of such methods. Using marketing and public education tools to cultivate a gradual but sure sea change in attitudes and perceptions of various drug control approaches is one approach. However, it should be noted that since there is no academic consensus on what a 'better' policy or program is - and indeed the drug control issue is a polarising one - these methods could be seen as a covert and somewhat dishonest application of political and symbolic resources.

The political and symbolic dimensions of drug control policy can be manipulated in various ways, to differing ends. In this sense, individuals and bodies can promote their various drug control policy and program strategies using methods used in marketing, advertising, public relations and so on. A drug control policy or program's actual effectiveness in terms of its stated aims may be irrelevant if the program appears like it is being somehow soft or easy on drug users. One example of this is the continued opposition to needle-syringe exchange programs despite most evidence supporting the contention that they reduce "HIV transmission and risk behaviours and do not lead to increased drug use" (Villarreal and Fogg, 2006: 59). Thus, it must be asked: do the actual quantitative effects of drug control policy matter if the general public feels satisfied? And, alternately, if drug control policies are effective but politically/symbolically unattractive, might they be disregarded or abandoned?

Indeed, public perception may be entirely out of synch with the facts of the matter. Evidence from Portugal, where drugs are effectively decriminalised, suggests that under a non-prohibitive drug control regime, drug use is infrequent and of low intensity (Cohen, 1998: 4). This approach, however, may not garner public support in many countries, especially the United States.
Additionally, programs that have public support, for whatever reason, may in fact be counterproductive. For example, the Life Education drug education program run in primary schools - which purported to delay the onset on drug experimentation- in fact did not work in this regard (Hawthorne et al, 1995: 214). Indeed, Life Education evaluations found the program actually produced rather than reduced drug use in children (Wallace and Stagier, 1998: 169). However, despite such ineffectual approaches to the drug issue, the Life Education program was seen as a positive force, since it demonstrated that someone was doing something about the supposed drug 'problem'. Indeed, Life Education's legacy is that it was a "visible symbol that communities are prepared to tackle the drug issue through education" (Hawthorne et al, 1995: 214).

A similar example can be found in the Drug Abuse Resistance Education (DARE) program, which aimed to equip young people with the skills to say 'no' to drugs. There is limited evidence that DARE in fact made 'significant impacts on drug usage in the desired direction' (Wallace and Stagier, 1998: 169). However, the important point is that the DARE program has "high client satisfaction" (ibid: 168), meaning that the program connected with people and was symbolically resonant.

For these reasons, one suggestion that might combat misperceptions and misunderstandings about drugs and drug control is some kind of public education campaign about the apparent dangers of programs such as these.

However, it might be counter-argued that such education campaigns have already been undertaken and that these campaigns themselves are purveyors of misinformation. Indeed, as has been shown via this very Life Education/DARE programs example, some types of education may not yield the intended results, whatever they might be.

Nevertheless, there is something to be said for education of drug users themselves. For example, it has been found that as information about the risks of HIV becomes better known, in conjunction with encouragement and access to means of changing behaviour, risk behaviours amongst drug users declines (Wodak, 2005: 198). Educating drug users in terms of harm minimisation has the potential to yield some positive results for all of society.

Politically, debate about the benefits of harm minimisation approaches - rather than prohibitive and suppressive techniques and policies- is often absent from the conversation. Viewing official policy documents of a prohibitive approach to drug control, minimising harm seems to be an afterthought, if present at all. For example, while acknowledging that relapses are very common, the focus will still be on abstinence rather than a 'safe' level of drug use (Gowing etc al, 2001: 19).

Also absent from much debate around drug control are the hidden or censored narratives about why people take drugs. While much may be made of people either being constrained to take drugs because of external factors or self-control problems influencing risk-taking behaviour, little is said either academically or in the public sphere about drug use as it relates to a rational choice about 'feeling good'. What O'Malley and Mugford stated fifteen years ago still seems to hold: the "pleasure discourse remains underdeveloped" (1991: 51). What such discourses of 'pleasure' from drug use might conjure in the public sphere, symbolically, might be so controversial that the discussion would become bogged down in rhetoric.

It is not just the public's perception that is important in considerations of the political and symbolic dimensions of drug policy. Researchers and experts need to be able to sell programs and ideas to those who have the power to implement them. Thus, programs need to be presented in such a way that will appeal to politicians and policy makers. Certain decriminalization approaches could actually be sold to policy people on the basis that it is in fact much 'tougher' than simply throwing offenders in gaol. For example, the Portuguese approach to decriminalization sees drug users as victims and thus also aims to promote abstinence (Allen et al, 2004: 1). Thus, care needs to be taken in making typologies about what one approach signifies politically. That is, decriminalisation isn't necessarily always about a liberal approach.

The situation in Portugal arose more out of pragmatic concern that the prohibitive approach was not working and a new way was needed to combat the drug scourge and the crime related to it.
The relationship between drugs and crime is a hotly contested one. In a study of police detainees, thirty seven percent of those interviewed attributed at least some of their offending behaviour to illicit drugs (Schulte et al, 2005: 3). Similarly, a study of incarcerated male offenders found that more than half attributed their behaviour to drugs and alcohol (Makkai and Payne, 2003: xvi). However, it is important to take a critical look at statistics such as this. After all, it is in the best interests of incarcerated people or those detained by police to be trying to mitigate responsibility for their offences. It only makes sense that some would exaggerate the extent to which they were or were not in control of themselves in a given situation. Additionally, co-operating with researchers may similarly have positive consequences for participants.
It may be politically advantageous for some powerful bodies to represent drug use in a light that emphasizes its connection to crime. Since many of the same bodies are in competition with each other, bidding for the same funding dollars, organisations will want to try to make their concerns seem more important. Whatever the actual correlation between drug use and crime, emphasizing that they are related is good for police in a political sense. It legitimates their actions in eradicating the drug trade and being hard on drug users. Indeed, police organizations themselves conflate crime with the drug issue because "criminal enterprises are intertwined" and "targeting drugs means hardening the approach to all crimes in general" (Nicholas, 2004: 9). This works to politically enhance the police's work.

Related to this local example of conflating drugs with all crime is the similar approach in the international context to link the drug trade with other transnational offences. For example, the United States Department of State has officially stated that the trafficking of illicit drugs is 'inextricably linked' with organized crime and terrorist organizations (U.S. Department of State, 2005: 1). Politically, making this connection between one type of deviance and others again legitimates any actions against drugs by having them 'really' being about terrorism. In this way, targeting the local drug dealer is seen as aiding in the fight for international terrorism.

Perhaps ironic in light of the 'tough on drugs' approaches to drug control as it relates to general crime control, which would include more punitive measures such as increased incarceration for drug offenders, is that much of the harm associated with illicit drug use is linked to such usage while incarcerated (Wodak, 2005: 197). This potentially sets up the proverbial vicious cycle where drugs are taken in prison then sought once prisoners are released, leading to drug offences, which throws them back into the prison system.

However, one should not be completely cynical about the nexus between drug-related crime and other, more 'serious' crimes. In Australia's past, certainly, there has been organized crime involvement with drugs. Indeed, it was the murder of anti-cannabis activist David Mackay in 1977 that has been said to have brought the drug issue into focus in the eye of the general public (Brereton, 2000: 92).

If one reason that drug use is proscribed against is because of its relationship to crime, another reason is that it is simply seen as inherently morally wrong. This line is taken up by James Q. Wilson, who believes that a cultural change needs to take place such that the 'moral climate' of society shifts to find drug use completely 'loathsome' (Wilson, 1990: 541). This view is based on the idea that a society that uses drugs is complacent and ineffective, eroding the good work done by our forebears. It is from ideological positions such as this that the public demonization of drug use (by politicians, popular media and families themselves) is encouraged. Indeed, "public officials can and should decry drug use and make clear the moral, as well as the practical, grounds for [drug use] being wrong" (ibid: 543).

It is interesting that prohibitive means of drug control have been viewed as 'tough' while decriminalization and/or harm minimisation approaches have been seen as 'soft' or at least as depicted as such. Despite Portugal having a public health/decriminalization approach to drug control, this does not necessarily imply it is a 'soft' approach. For example, although Portugal uses administrative penalties for drug offences rather than prohibitive punishments, such administrative penalties can be much harsher than the alternatives. Indeed, "decriminalisation can not always be seen as a less punitive approach to drug use"(Allen et al, 2004: 3).
One symbolic consideration in the marketing of harm minimisation-type programs is the perception of such approaches are 'weak' or 'soft', compared to the masculine imagery of being 'tough' on drugs and crime. When discussing the political dimension, it may then also be worth bringing up sexual politics. The brute force of a zero tolerance approach carries with it the notions of masculinity and combat: a 'war' on drugs and crime. It might even be suggested that continued public support for zero-tolerance crime control approaches despite dubious effectiveness, especially in the United States, is linked to this perception of it as masculine. Indeed, the US has continually shunned harm-reduction measures in favour of zero-tolerance, despite apparently "incontrovertible evidence" of the former's effectiveness (Wodak, 2005: 200). This is attributable in part to the marketing of such measures as being 'tough'.
Such marketing does not only apply to illicit drug control but also to how drugs - both licit and illicit - are represented in the media. For example, depictions and perceptions of beer as a 'masculine' beverage. Also, depending on who is doing the representing, marijuana as a harmless recreational drug or, more prominently in most popular media, as a zombie-creating drug for losers. An interesting example is that of the illicit inhalants used in chroming practices which are not in fact illegal. Calls for inhalants to be made illegal have to do with wanting a symbolic point made about the acceptability of drug use. Opposition to this is from a moral standpoint, not a legal one; though making it formally illegal would make legitimate the moralistic view.

As has been shown, the efficacy of any information presented by policy or program bodies about drug use and control is not necessarily related to its truth-value. In a recent paper, Moore and Fraser 2006: 3045) note that on the one hand, harm minimization approaches assume a neo-liberal or rational-actor model of behaviour that may not actually apply to drug users, since there are constraints on drug users that may render them unable to make informed choices. However, using this lens of seeing drug users as decision-making neo-liberals actually affords them some of the respect associated with such rationality (ibid). Thus, despite there being a degree of contestation around whether drug users are constrained by drugs/economics/genetics etc. or in fact make rational choices about drug behaviour, one political function of the rational-actor model is to afford drug users a degree of agency.

This brings up a point about how drug use can be constructed as being a rational choice on the one hand, and being an addictive, victim-creating behaviour on the other. The idea of drug users becoming addicted and thus needing some sort of treatment comes from an ideological standpoint that favours painting drug users as victims of their own lack of self-control or inherent predisposition to over-consumption and so on. Stanton Peele takes a rather extreme view of drug 'treatments' and the concept of 'addiction' especially. Importantly, he conceives of addiction not as a physical, scientific category of dependence on drugs, but rather something that is "better understood as a cultural phenomenon that fulfills functional and symbolic needs" (Peele, 1990: 2). For Peele, drug use has "always been morally tinged" just as all scientific theorising about such things has been "heavily influenced by politics and social conceptions" (ibid: 8). However, as the discussion undertaken here should demonstrate, cultural constructions are not necessarily any less 'real' than a scientific conception. The ways they can affect and change society and its outlook should not be underestimated.

Just like a celebrity might donate to charity in order to appear globally aware and concerned, so too can good things be done about drug control policy when the aims themselves are based in issues of public perception. The challenge may be to strike a balance between appealing to extant public concerns while at the same time forging ahead with programs that might educate the public about these issues. Of course, there is not necessarily only one political or symbolic subtext or function to a given approach to drug control. Indeed, much of what these dimensions of drug policy infer to an individual will be to some extent based around individual factors of family background, upbringing, education and so on. Further studies into this area should take careful notice of this.

It should also be noted that when speaking of the political and symbolic dimensions of drug control policy and the like, it is not necessarily conscious decisions or scheming policy makers that make these dimensions relevant. Indeed, much of it comes from a cultural unconscious or at least from embedded attitudes and notions of 'right' and 'wrong'.

A deeper understanding of how political and symbolic forces shape public attitudes, perceptions and sympathies regarding drug use might equip those in the political/public policy and/or drug treatment areas with tools to off-set potential negative effects of their well-intended actions. Even simply having a certain reflexivity in approaches to drug control might lead to smarter decisions in presentation and application of drug control, especially with regard to what information becomes widely publicly known and what is kept more covert. After all, there may be some effective programs that can be argued are 'good' for society in the harm-minimisation and civil liberties senses, but do not find favour in the public-relations arena.

By way of a conclusion, the one suggestion that can be made here based on the discussion undertaken is that considerations of the political and symbolic dimensions be taken into account by policy makers, program directors and even drug users themselves. Despite living in a society supposedly dedicated to the pursuit of facts and the scientific method, considerations of the more social elements of drug control policy have a part to play.

Daniel Hedger
189 245

References

Allen, L, Trace, M and Klein, A (2004),"Decriminalisation of drugs in Portugal: a current overview" A DrugScope briefing paper for the Beckley Foundation Drug Policy Programme, no. 6.
http://www.internationaldrugpolicy.net/reports/BeckleyFoundation_BriefingPaper_06.pdf

Brereton, D. (2000) The History and Politics of Prohibition, in G.Stokes, P. Chalk and K. Gillen (eds) Drugs and Democracy: In Search of New Directions, Carlton South, Victoria: University of Melbourne Press

Cohen, P. (1998) Shifting the main purposes of drug control: from suppression to regulation of use. Reduction of risks as the new focus for drug policy, a paper presented at the Euro-Ibero-American Seminar, Porto, Portugal, October 1998.

Gowing, L. Proudfoot, H., Henry-Edwards, S. and Teesson, M. (2001) Evidence supporting treatment: the effectiveness of interventions for illicit drug use, Canberra: Australia National Council on Drugs.

Graycar, A., Nelson, D. and Palmer, M. (1999) "Trends & Issues in Crime and Criminal Justice. No. 110: Law enforcement and illicit drug control". Canberra: Australian Institute of Criminology. http://www.aic.gov.au/publications/tandi/tandi110.html

Hawthorne, G., Garrad, J. and Dunt, D. (1995) Does Life Education's Drug Education Programme Have A Public Health Benefit? Addiction, 90: 205-215

Keenan, M. (2004) The Social Context of Drug Use. In M. Hamilton, A. Kellehear and G. Rumbold (eds) (2nd ed) Drug Use in Australia: A Harm Minimisation Approach, Melbourne: Oxford University Press.

Makkai, T. and Payne, J. (2003) "Research and Public Policy Series No. 52: Drugs and crime : a study of incarcerated male offenders" Canberra: Australian Institute of Criminology. http://www.aic.gov.au/publications/rpp/52/

Moore. D. and Fraser, S. (2006). "Putting at risk what we know: Reflecting on the drug-using subject in harm reduction and its political implications"Social Science & Medicine, Vol. 62, No.12 June.

Nicholas, R. (2004) "The Impact of General Law Enforcement on the Illicit Drug Market". Presented at the 3rd Australiasian Drug Strategy Conference, 2004.

O'Malley, P. and Mugford, S. (1991) The Demand for Intoxicating Commodities: Implications for the "War on Drugs", Social Justice, 18:49-75

Peele, S. (1990) "Addiction as a Cultural Concept", Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 602: 205-220. http://www.peele.net/lib/cultconc.html

Reinarman, C. Cohen, P. and Kaal, H. (2004). "The Limited Relevance of Drug Policy: Cannabis in Amsterdam and in San Francisco" American Journal of Public Health, May 2004; 94: 836 - 842.

Rouse, J. and Johnson, B. (1991) Hidden Paradigms of Morality in Debates About Drugs: Historical and Policy Shifts in British and American Drug Policies, in J. Inciardi (ed.). The Drug Legalization Debate California.: Sage.

Schulte, C., Mouzos, J and Makkai, T. (2005) "Research and public policy series No. 65: Drug Use Monitoring in Australia : 2004 annual report on drug use among police detainees". Canberra: Australian Institute of Criminology
http://www.aic.gov.au/publications/rpp/65/index.html

U.S. Department of State (2005) International Narcotics Control Strategy Report, Policy and Program Developments
http://www.state.gov/g/inl/rls/nrcrpt/2005/vol1/html/42360.htm

Villarreal, H., and Fogg, C. (2006). "Syringe-Exchange Programs and HIV Prevention: If they're effective, what's the controversy?" American Journal of Nursing. 106(5):58-63, May 2006.

Wallace, S. and Stagier, P. (1998) "Informing Consent: Should 'providers' inform 'purchasers' about the risks of drug education?" Health Promotion International, 13, 167-171

Wodak, A. (2005) "Drugs, Crime and Crime Reduction" in D. Chappell and P.Wilson (eds) Issues in Australian Crime and Criminal Justice Chatswood, NSW: LexisNexis: Butterworths (197-219)

Zing!

2006-09-14T01:02:00.000+10:00

"I'm feeling really creative...but I don't know how to express myself"

"You should write a poem, you're really unique and special"

"I don't know..."

"Come on, you can do it"

"Maybe..."

"Stop doubting yourself, you are so talented and creative. Just write a poem!"

"Ok, here goes....'Leaves are falling off the trees, and all I see is you...'"

"That sucks"

"..."

Zing!

2006-09-12T23:55:00.000+10:00

"I love you"

"Love's not enough"

"I respect you"

"Respect's not enough"

"I need you"

"Need is not enough"

"You make me happy...I make you happy!"

"Happiness is not enough"

"...I guess I'd better leave, then"

"What, you don't love me anymore?"

Terrorism Through Film: Die Hard, Fight Club, Team America

2006-09-05T17:23:00.000+10:00

I'm pretty sure I got an A for this one.

"
In terms of media representation, in recent times perhaps nothing has been more depicted, discussed and presented as terrorism. As such, media interpretations of such a complex and inexhaustible topic of interest have the potential to affect understandings of criminality and criminal justice. By focusing on three fictional films dealing with terrorist crime and criminal justice responses to it, this essay aims to discuss how such representations and conceptions might uphold or challenge dominant ideologies; affect perceptions of criminal justice systems and create avenues by which audiences can form opinions on the topics presented.

Morris notes that there has been a fetishistic privileging of images in the modern media (Morris, 2004: 403), meaning that images have replaced dialogue in terms of how people understand and perhaps even legitimise information. Indeed, Baudrillard has suggested that an image consumes the event it depicts, in the 'sense that it absorbs it and offers it for consumption' (Baudrillard, 2003: 27). Bearing this in mind, what can be gleaned from fictional representations of terrorism if images are so paramount? Terrorism may be, in the mind of an audience, made up of the different representations - images, primarily - that are presented by the media in its many forms. Newsmedia falls into this category, as does film.

The three films to be discussed are Die Hard (1988, dir John McTiernan); Fight Club (1999, dir David Fincher) and Team America: World Police (2004, dir Trey Parker). All three are fictional accounts of terrorist crime but each is significantly different, allowing different perspectives to be explored and constrasted. Further to this, there will be a general discussion of the possible effects of media representations - including newsmedia - of terrorism and the forms they make take.

Films work, at least to some extent, on the presupposition that audiences know how to consume movies. They are predicated on the ability of audiences to recognise the familiar formats and cinematic tropes each film is imbued with. Films are also full of ideological standings, but these are taken in as part of the whole visual and auditory - sometimes even visceral - film experience. Indeed, audiences come to films as if to 'hegemonic discourses' that are embodied in these regular formats to which they have become 'thoroughly accustomed' (Wilkins and Downing, 2002: 422). Films work with these discourses to represent their own versions of terrorist crime.

The first film to be considered in this discussion is John McTiernan's Die Hard (1988). Die Hard concerns New York City police officer John McClane (Bruce Willis), who makes his way to Los Angeles in order to spend Christmas with his children and his estranged wife Holly (Bonnie Bedelia). When McClane arrives at Holly's workplace - the sterling tower of the Nakatomi Corporation - for the company Christmas party, he obviously doesn't fit in with his wife's yuppie co-workers and retreats to the private en-suite of the one of the offices. Meanwhile international terrorists are infiltrating the building, in a carefully choreographed manner. The terrorists make themselves known to the guests, who are on the 30th floor, and take the company CEO, Mr. Takagi (James Shigeta), along with everyone else, hostage.

The terrorists, all European except for one American - the computer whiz with the job of breaking various codes - are led by the sophisticated, witty and arrogant German Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman). At first he parodies the stereotype of terrorists being idealistic activists who want social or political change, but it soon becomes clear that Gruber is actually after the $640 million worth of negotiable bearer bonds in the Nakatomi safe. However, the terrorists don't yet know there is an NYPD cop somewhere in the building.

When McClane obtains a radio walkie talkie after killing one of the terrorists, he manages to communicate with LAPD Sgt. Al Powell (Reginald VelJohnson) continuously. Powell is fighting his own battle against his idiot boss Chief Dwayne T. Robinson (Paul Gleason), who constantly hinders the operation. McClane tells Powell his situation and the two develop a friendship over the radio waves.

Over the course of the film, McClane uses his police smarts and cunning in an attempt to get the better of the terrorists. By using the terrorists' own weapons against them, McClane stages an effective resistance, until Gruber finds out that McClane's wife is one of the hostages. With Gruber threatening to kill her, McClane appears to surrender only to pull a dangerous stunt and save the day.

Die Hard's depiction of terrorists is both stereotyped and a parody of that stereotype. Hans Gruber pretends to be an idealistic terrorist, making phony demands to the police about wanting members of 'Asian Dawn' released from a prison in Sri Lanka. When questioned by a fellow terrorist Gruber replies, "I read about them in Time Magazine." What Gruber and his men want are bearer bonds: far from being anti-establishment, anti-capitalist political activists, they are only after money. Gruber is self-consciously aware of the popular idea of terrorists as being driven by ideology and uses that as a facade.

It is of note that Die Hard's terrorists are essentially all European and/or foreign in some way. This reinforces the idea that terrorism is from the outside, a polluting force that comes from an unknown place. In Die Hard, this notion of fear of the 'Other' extends to the Nakatomi Corporation itself, which is Japanese and highly technologically advanced. In contrast, hero McClane distrusts technology, is scared of air travel and winces at the computers he encounters. Technology has an arrogance, perhaps, and a mystique that comes from it being somehow foreign. Interesting, then, that the terrorist who is sent to hack - fight, almost - the foreign technology is an American. McClane similarly defeats the terrorists without recourse to technology: he uses old fashioned guns, explosives and cunning.

The formal justice systems in Die Hard are basically inept. Aside from McClane and Powell, neither the LAPD (stupid) nor the FBI (insane) can stop the terrorists. It is McClane's bravado, coupled with Powell's bravery and foresight that defeat the terrorists. The hero is quintessentially American and he defeats the foreign 'Other'. The notion being upheld here is one of individualism; in a way, it reminds of recent UK legislation that seeks to make young people active, responsible citizens and move away from the 'passivity of youth' (Vaughn, 2000: 348).

In David Fincher's Fight Club (1999), terrorism is expressed in a different way to that of Die Hard. Fight Club's story concerns the nameless Narrator (Edward Norton), a neurotic businessman who has become completely disaffected with his white-collar surroundings and suffers from terrible insomnia. In a bid to rid himself of the numbness he feels, he joins support groups for various diseases - notably among them testicular cancer - despite him not being sick. Attending these support groups cures his insomnia until another 'faker', Marla Singer (Helena Bonham Carter) joins.

Presently, the Narrator's apartment mysteriously blows up and he moves in with Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt), a soap salesman he has met on a plane. Durden is engimatic, charismatic and dispenses strange pieces of information, like how to make napalm, into casual conversation. Durden tells the Narrator that his possessions getting destroyed was the best thing that could happen. "The things you own end up owning you" he says. Together they start Fight Club, a place where young professional men pummel eachother for the experience of being hit, rather than hitting. Along with the fighting comes a nihilism and anti-establishmentism that emanates from Tyler's charisma.

Soon Fight Club becomes wildly popular and is transformed into 'Project Mayhem', an urban terrorist cell. Since terrorism is a subtype of human aggression (Victoroff, 2005: 35), Fight Club's violence and nihilism provides the framework for the terrorist Project Mayhem. At first Project Mayhem is about making large scale pranks as statements against society, but it soon escalates to a plan to destroy an entire city. Terrorism in Fight Club is a means to an end: Tyler desires a new order of society and his philosophy is read in the way same that an Islamic theological justification for terrorism is.

When the Narrator finds out that Project Mayhem has orders to harm Marla - who Tyler has been sleeping with, much to the Narrator's disgust - he tries to warn her, only for her to reveal to him that she believes he is Tyler. That is, Tyler is revealed to the audience to be the imaginary friend of the Narrator, created from his psyche.

The Narrator finally confronts his alter ego at the top of the only high rise building in the city not to be imminently demolished by a nefarious terrorist plan to reset society. The Narrator shoots himself in the face, leaving him perhaps mortally wounded but killing Tyler: terrorism, then, is a rogue element; a tumour to be eradicated. Marla shows up and the two watch the city begin to collapse, hand in hand.

Fight Club is separate from the other films discussed here in that it depicts the terrorist experience as happening at the level of the individual. Terrorism is presented as a sexy and masculine activity that will free the modern world of its shackles, returning it to a romanticised Eden-like state: Tyler says he dreams of swinging over the ashes of high rises buildings on overgrown vines. It also shows the terrorist group from an ethnographic perspective: the audience is with the terrorists throughout, not some outside 'good guy'. Indeed, even the cops are members of Fight Club/Project Mayhem and the lines between good guy and bad guy are blurred.

The formal justice systems are thus depicted in Fight Club as corrupt and contemptible, capable of being taken over be extremists. In a sense, there is a no hero, since the villian - Tyler - and the protagonist Narrator are revealed to be the same. This symbiosis perhaps suggests the dialectical relationship between terrorism and its opponents; and how a society may create its own deviant elements, rather than it being imported from elsewhere.

The political content of fictional films is often in rhyme with the dominant ideologies of the day. Just as Die Hard is a product of Reagan's 1980s, with its focus on the 'everyman' saving the day, Fight Club is symptomatic of the cynical 90s, with terrorism ultimately more fulfilling than white collar life. However, movies dealing with terrorist crime have the potential to influence public perceptions about such acts: the power of film is such that in the immediate aftermath of September 11, the Bush Administration sought Hollywood's help, with many US politicians hoping to see a 'convergence of foreign policy agendas and film content' (Pollard, 2002: 138).

This would amount to a contribution to what Pollard calls the 'Hollywood War Machine', where wartime exploits are glorified as heroic in studio films (Pollard, 2002: 121). Indeed, the production of movies - or even the marketing of them in the post-production process - is often done with political and social climates considered. For example, the films Black Hawk Down (2001, dir. Ridley Scott) and We Were Soldiers (2002, dir. Randall Wallace), having been produced just before September 11 and released soon after, have been described as 'mood music' for the nascent War on Terror (Carruthers, 2003: 168). Similarly, these depictions reassured the American public rather than alarmed them, evincing how media can work cathartically (ibid: 171).

This may also be the case with Trey Parker's Team America: World Police (2004), a feature film entirely made with a cast of marrionettes, which automatically places the film into the realm of abstraction, although it does raise many current issues. The movie's plot concerns an American squad of Thunderbirds-style anti-terrorism fighters who enlist the help of a Broadway actor - Gary - to infiltrate a terrorist cell, using his acting talents to thwart an attack in Cairo. When a terrorist attack in Central America - defined on screen as '2193 miles from the Real America', parodying the American-centric view it ultimately espouses - responds to the attack Gary loses faith in his acting abilities, only to rejoin Team America to stop North Korea's Kim Jong Il, who is funding terrorist groups around the world.

The terrorists in Team America are deliberately and undeniably of a stereotypical nature. They are the 'deranged fanatical Arabs harbouring an irrational hatred of America, the West, modernity, and civilisation' (Matthews, 2005: 220). However, Team America adds a new card to the deck by depicting an actual world leader - North Korea's Kim Jong Il - as a terrorist. Thus, state-sponsored terrorism emerges in popular fiction, perhaps as a reflection of current discourses regarding it. Kim Jong Il's motivation for supporting terrorism is simply that he is lonely; or, as he sings in one of the film's many musical numbers, 'so ronery' - marking him out as the definite Other, who cannot grasp English properly.

Media representations of the 'enemy' or the 'other' have the potential to drum up support for violent measures against them. For example, representations of Arab or Muslim people as 'inferior, threatening, immoral and dehistoricized' have been said to have played a part in gaining public support for the first Gulf War (Muscati, 2002: 131). Similarly, representations of 'Other' peoples as being exemplars of an inferior culture or civilization can inspire not just aggression but also a paternalistic response, where Western 'humanitarian' instincts emerge in an attempt to save 'them' from 'themselves' (Cloud, 2004: 286). Team America acts in this regard, policing the world to save it from itself.

What, then, does this suggest about the depictions in Team America of 'Middle Eastern' culture? While fun is poked at racial profiling - rookie Gary has a matty beard haphazardly applied to his porcelin face which, to the Team Americans, signifies Middle Eastern - the depictions of Arabs in Team America tend to conflate the terrorists with all Arab/Muslim people. Once again, then, there is the notion of terrorism as being an outside force; the external; the Other.

Team America's seeming conflation of Islam, terrorism and the 'Middle East' could be seen as dangerous. 'Us and them' rhetoric, despite its intent to define terrorists as separate from everybody else, may 'invariably be used by many to defame a whole cultural entity or entities' (Martin and Phelan, 2002: 268). Films that use such rhetoric, then, are perhaps handling a volatile means of representation.

The formal justice systems, as they exist in Team America, are heroic. Team America members are police officers and they basically do good, even if they mess up sometimes (and indeed, they are thwarted by meddling celebrities, not inept governments or justice bodies). Team America embodies the very spirit of America: their head-quarters are located inside Mount Rushmore, the design of their weapons, vehicles and uniforms are based on the American-flag motif. They have Good on their side in a fight against Evil and being quintessentially American (which may stand in for 'the West' in general) displays this.

Central to the discussion is the notion of the us/them or internal/external dichotomies at play in all three movies. Such dichotomies are not invented by the texts, however; rather, they are inherited from a Western cultural tradition and replicated in the media (Matthews, 2005: 219). Movies use familiar tropes and forms to bring up issues, whether it is intended, explicit or otherwise. For example, patriarchy has been cited as the 'ruling ideology' that legitimates events such as violent terrorist acts as well as the violent responses to it (Rasmusson, 2005: 141), which would imply that fictional representations of terrorism carry with them the burden of patriarchy. This can be seen in Fight Club and Die Hard: both depict terrorism - and the fight against it - to be a male domain. However, while Team America's terrorists are all male, the heroes are of both genders.

In any case, the main focus here is the terrorist as 'other'. Consider that although both Die Hard and Team America depict terrorists in contrasting ways (cunning and intelligent versus cariacture), both films have representations of terrorists as distinctly foreign. Terrorism, then, becomes defined as an invading force coming from without; terrorism exists outside 'our' Western industrialised society and its attacks are necessarily from such a position, both spatially and ideologically.

This idea of terrorism coming from outside, however, has its most significant problem in Fight Club, where the terrorist group is made up of men explicitly from within the society that it wishes to attack. That is, they are 'homegrown' terrorists in the sense that they are not of foreign backgrounds that carry with them vastly different sets of values. In Fight Club, the values the terrorists have come to know by virtue of having lived in such a modern Western society have been rejected, in favour of a new, nihilistic philosophy. As a contrast, Die Hard's terrorists believe in the Western value of accumulating wealth, and use terorism as a means to that end.

However, there is a way to reconnect Fight Club's complex marking of the self/other distinction to Die Hard and Team America's terrorists as explicitly 'Other'. Fight Club's terrorist leader, Tyler Durden, is revealed to be an imaginary alter ego that the Narrator has created out the 'thoughts and desires that he cannot integrate within himself' (Palladino and Young, 2003: 204). Thus, in a sense, Tyler is the Other and his terrorism serves as a foreign agent's (to the Narrator's mind) deviance.

Just as Fight Club subverts understandings of the internal/external dichotomy as it relates to terrorism, the events of September 11, with its 'sleeper' terrorists, have forced a reassessment of what constitutes internal and external. Indeed, 'the enemy is no longer a spatially removed “other,” but one that subverts such an understanding' (Palladino and Young, 2003: 214). Perhaps Fight Club, then, is a film that would not have been allowed to be made in the post-9/11 world, such is its complex depiction of terrorism.

Similarly, some images are believed to be too 'psychologically disturbing to the general public' (Brottman, 2004: 167) to be shown, given a particular world climate. Both Die Hard and Fight Club involve terrorists exploding tall buildings which, in the post 9/11 world, might have seemed inappropriate. However, Team America - undeniably a product of the post 9/11 world - shows puppet terrorists (and puppet heroes) blowing up various landmarks: the Eiffel tower, the Sphinx, Mount Rushmore. Perhaps its level of abstraction and its claim to satire makes these representations more acceptable.

Film often calls attention to itself as a constucted medium of juxapositions and interpretations. In both Fight Club and Team America, attention is called to the abstract nature of the experience: Fight Club's narrative is told in flasback by voice over and comment is made on the flashback (when the film returns from the flashback, the Narrator makes a joke and Tyler replies "Flashback humour. I get it"). Team America is made up of puppets manipulated by some unseen architect, subtextually implying a divine power, but cinematically defining the chartacters as not being part of the real world.

Some note should also be made of the fact that in 21st century terrorists are prone to making videos themselves. Indeed, non-state terrorists are quite interested in media exposure (Ben-Yehuda, 2005: 44). It is not trivial to suggest that the form these videos take has been influenced by the same kinds of representations discussed here: Western media, like film and television. Thus, terrorists are not only depicted in films, but depict themselves in films of their own making. They may know the filmic shorthand and Hollywood tropes to convey certain pieces of information, hence the righteous egomaniacal speeches read out by terrorists on home made video. Hans Gruber, then, becomes a lens through which audiences may view terrorists: theatrical, intelligent and, above all, foreign.

Note, too, the way the newsmedia represents Osama Bin Laden as being a leader of a finite group called al Qaeda, who has 'deputies' and cells that operate in much the same way as action movie villians' groups do. Indeed, in all three films discussed here, the charismatic terrorist leader has considerable control over his group, in agreeance with the theory that leaders of terrorist cells are of a greater cognitive capacity than followers (Victoroff, 2005: 35).

Terrorism's victory is that it can claim all violence as its own, such is its mysery. Baudrillard suggests that Bin Laden 'might even claim natural disasters as his own' (Baudrillard, 2003: 33). Fight Club's terrorist cell is based on a mysterious and secret arrangement of many members of society: Project Mayhem demonstrates that society is made up of individuals, some in very menial jobs, and prosperity - read:society- rests on them (Palladino and Young, 2003: 213). Any violence, then, could be attributed to terrorism, if a terrorist group is seen as pervasive.

Of course, films about terrorism have been inspired and influenced by real terrorist events, but it is perhaps just as valid a suggestion that fictional accounts of terrorism in movies have influenced not only news media depictions of terrorism but also of terrorist attacks themselves: buildings crumbling in films replicated in the real world, yielding similiar panic and horror.

Indeed, terrrorists can utilise the media as another weapon at their disposal; they aim to be portrayed in a sympathetic light and draw attention to their actions (Ben-Yehuda, 2005: 36). The media can become part of the terroristic act, as 'part of the terror' (Baudrillard, 2003: 30). It is for such reasons that some commentators have suggested that the media take a careful look at its impact on audiences and portray terrorists as weak, cowardly, disorganized and psychopathic killers (Pech and Slade, 2005: 59). This would deny terrorists the ' "dignity" of coverage' and thus may strip the terrrorists of some of their power (ibid: 58). Extending this to film, the depictions of Hans Gruber and Tyler Durden do not emasculate or demonize them, whereas the Team America terrorists are depicted as foolish and psychopathic. In a world apparently changed by terrorism post-September 11, depictions of likable terrorist characters have perhaps ceased to be acceptable.

However, despite the potential for unhealthy or dangerous depictions of terrorist crime in the media, representing such things also has the ability to act in a different way and provide a kind of catharsis. In times of social instability, for example, people often turn to the media in the hope that it might provide them with 'frameworks for understanding, acting or escaping' the situation (McNee, 2002: 282). Indeed, McNee argues that the fictional media can have as important a part as the newsmedia in opening up arenas for discussion and airing pertinent questions (ibid: 286). In the case of Team America, perhaps the crude humour and simplicity mark out a desire in audiences to laugh at the state of the world.

Oliverio suggests that the media are at the 'heart of the production of history' (Oliverio, 1998: 8) and that violence labelled terrorism 'provides the dramatic script' (ibid). As such, media representations of events such as terrorist crimes have a complex and important part to play in affecting an audience and partly shaping their experience of and responses to terrorism. If, as Tom Pollard suggests, war movies represent 'barometers of patriotic sentiment' (Pollard, 2002: 138), films that deal primarily with terrorist crimes might serve a similar function: In the global war on terror, films that deal with terrorism are reassuring and cocksure in the face of adversity.

If depictions of terrorism have the ability to construct or influence audience's perceptions of such acts, there is perhaps a responsibility in the hands of film-makers for terrorism to be presented with caution. Suggestions of portraying terrorists in a very bad light (Pech and Slade, 2005: 58) or as so 'beyond the pale' as to not warrant being understood (Dershowitz, 2002: 29) illustrate this. However, despite potential for insensitive and dangerous depictions there is also a cathartic element to terrorism in fictional film:, by airing out issues without attempts at easy solutions. Media depictions will not be interpreted in the same way by every audience and as such, each depiction becomes valid on its own terms. Die Hard, Fight Club and Team America: World Police each represent terrorism in varying ways, encouraging audiences to interpret the discourses and depictions themselves, in their own ways.

References

Baudrillard, J. (2003) The Spirit of Terrorism and other essays. Verso. London and New York.

Ben-Yehuda, N. (2005). "Terror, Media, and Moral Boundaries". International Journal of Comparative Sociology, No. 46. April.

Brottman, M. (2004) 'The Fascination of the abomination: the censored images of 9/11' in M. Dixon (ed) Film and Television After 9/11, Carbondale: Southern Illinois University Press.

Carruthers, S.L. (2003). "Bringing it all back home: Hollywood returns to war". Small Wars and Insurgencies. Vol. 14. No. 1. March. Routledge.

Cloud, D.L. (2004) "'To veil the threat of terror': Afghan women and the in the imagery of the U.S. war on terrorism". Quarterly Journal of Speech. Vol.90. No. 3. August. Routledge.

Dershowitz, A.M. (2002). Why Terrorism Works: understanding the threat, responding to the challenge. Yale University Press. USA

Martin, P. and Phelan, S. (2002). "Representing Islam in the Wake of September 11: A Comparison of US Television and CNN Online Messageboard Discourses"
Prometheus. Vol. 20. No. 3. September. Routledge.

Matthews, J. (2005). " Visual Culture and Critical Pedagogy in 'Terrorist Times' ". Discourse. Vol. 26. No. 2. June. Routledge.

McNee, F. (2002). "Something's Happened: Fictional Media as a Coping Mechanism". Prometheus. Vol. 20. No. 3. September. Routledge.

Muscati, S. A. (2002). "Arab/Muslim 'Otherness': The Role of Racial Constructions in the Gulf War and the Continuing Crisis with Iraq". Journal of Muslim Minority Affairs. Vol. 22. No. 1. April. Routledge.

Morris, R.C. (2004). "Images of Untranslatability in the US War on Terror". Interventions: International Journal of Postcolonial Studies. Vol. 6. No. 3. November. Routledge.

Oliverio, A. (1998) The State of Terror. Albany; State University of New York.

Palladino, P. and Young. T. (2003). "Fight Club and the World Trade Center: On Metaphor, Scale, and the Spatio-temporal (Dis)location of Violence". Journal for Cultural Research. Vol. 7. No 2. April. Routledge.

Pollard, T. (2002) "The Hollywood War Machine". New Political Science. Vol. 24. No. 1. March. Routledge.

Rasmusson, S.L. (2005). "Masculinity and Fahrenheit 9/11" International Feminist Journal of Politics. Vol. 7. No. 1. March. Routledge.

Vaughn, B. (2000) "The Government of Youth: Disorder and Dependence?", Social and Legal Studies, Vol. 9. No. 3.

Victoroff, J. (2005). "The Mind of the Terrorist: A Review and Critique of Psychological Approaches". Journal of Conflict Resolution. Vol. 49. No. 3. February.

Wilkins, K. and Downing, J. (2002) ."Mediating Terrorism: text and protest in interpretations of The Siege". Critical Studies in Media Communication. Vol. 19. No. 4. December, Routledge.

Filmography

Black Hawk Down (2001), Directed by Ridley Scott
Die Hard (1988), Directed by John McTiernan
Fight Club (1999), Directed by David Fincher
Team America: World Police (2004), Directed by Trey Parker.
We Were Soldiers (2002), Directed by Randall Wallace

"

(c) 2005, Daniel Hedger

PM Weighs in on BB controversy, for some reason

2006-07-03T14:42:00.000+10:00

"

Prime Minister John Howard has called for the axing of reality television programme Big Brother after the alleged sexual misconduct that saw two housemates prematurely ejected from the house. Despite the controversial footage not actually being broadcast by Network Ten and it being none of the government's business, Mr Howard decided to weigh in on the issue, taking time out of his busy schedule to talk about trivia.

"Look, I have no problem with sexual abuse happening in the broader society, but I don't think it should be an issue on reality television" the Prime Minister said in a radio interview today. "Reality television should be about escapism and entertainment, not actual problems of real life".

Mr. Howard also denied the problem had anything to do with the culture and mythology of mateship, despite the fact that both the male housemates involved in the incident were trying to impress eachother with male bonding rituals like 'turkey slapping'. "What? No, mateship is Australian. Turkey slapping is unAustralian. Go Soccerroos!" the Prime Minister said.

Before leaving the interview on 3AM am, Mr. Howard said "I'm glad that the liberal media has allowed me to speak about this issue. It's a rare occurrence that I am even allowed to talk on national radio, such are their communist sympathies. Did I mention Go Socceroos?"

Big Brother has not announced plans to cancel this season early, especially since the overblown hype over the incident has made Network Ten millions of dollars.

"

Position Vacant: Iraqi Terrorist Leader

2006-06-09T15:28:00.000+10:00

"

Are you committed to Holy War and terror?

Do you have delusions of grandeur?

Can you behead people while wearing this seasons's most fashionable Foot Clan-style balaclavas?

Not talented enough for Iraqi Idol but still want press coverage?

Do you have male-model good looks?

If so, you might be exactly who we're looking for!

Following the untimely death of leader and martyr Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, blessings be upon him, there is now a vacant spot in al-Qaeda's upper echelons!

Successful candidate must:

- Swear to bring righteous vengeance upon The Great Satan and its allies

- Have personal experience of suicide bombs

- Be OK with being constantly and erroneously referred to as 'Bin Laden's second in command'

- Know the secret handshake.

- Be willing to prepare lunch for the whole gang every second Tuesday.

Pick up the phone and call today! This is a job to die for!

"

Sophie Delizio Already Planning Next Stunt

2006-06-07T23:14:00.000+10:00

"

Pre-teen daredevil Sophie Delizio is already planning her next stunt. From her hospital bed today the plucky youngster said her next life-or-death battle will involve “lions, tigers and maybe bears. Oh my”.

Although still recovering from a car accident earlier in the year and being in a medically induced coma for days, little Sophie has not given up her drive. Nurses at her Sydney Hospital say the Aussie battler has been designing new ideas for stunts with crayons and paper towels.

“Her fighting spirit is just unbelievable” Sister Sandra Dwyer said.

Delizio first came into the daredevil spotlight in December 2003 when a car accident saw her suffer third degree burns to 90% of her little body. She recovered like a true champion only to be struck down by another car at a level crossing while riding in a pram in May this year.

Following in the hallowed footsteps of Evel Knievel, Delizio’s amazing injuries and subsequent recoveries have found her become an unwitting icon of the underground daredevil movement.

“She’s just an inspiration to all of us in the hurt-yourself-and-like-it business” said Tony Dennett, founder of the Live to Die And Come Back to Life Foundation, a combined charity and daredevil stunt funding body. “I just can’t wait until she’s back on her feet again so she throw herself in front of another car”.

Delizio has stated, however, that her days of working stunts involving cars was well and truly over.

"

"Wow, if I'd known I was going to appear on US breakfast television, I'd have gotten trapped in a mine ages ago!"

2006-05-30T01:43:00.000+10:00

"

Crikey. It sure has been an interesting couple of weeks. There I am, minding my own business and all of a sudden I'm trapped in an underground mine with a bloke I don't even know. Cut to two weeks later and I'm being called a hero! Gee whiz, I was just trying to hold in my poo!

Now, next thing you know I'm getting phone calls from bloody Diane Sawyer. I wasn't familiar with the name but apparently she's some big Seppo big shot TV lady. And she wants little old me to appear on her program. Oh, and the other bloke.

Now, since being rescued from that mine I've done my fair share of talking to press people, but let me tell you: when I heard I was going to appear on American television, my heart skipped a beat. I've grown up all me life watching repeats of great American sitcoms, so you can understand how excited I am. If i'd known I'd get to be on US breakfast television, I'd have gotten trapped in a mine years ago!

I tell you, it makes it all worthwhile now. All those painful days and nights being in fear of my life and contemplating cutting off our leg...well, I mean, that was tough, but I'd do it all again just to be on uh...what's her name again? Diane? Yeah, her. I'd do it all again to be on her show. Whatever it's called.

"

Oh my God, you guys! I think my drink was spiked!

2006-05-16T17:46:00.000+10:00

"

This is a very important message for all you girls out there. Ok, so, for reals, I think my drink was spiked last night. No, I'm being serious. I woke up this morning and I couldn't remember what happened last night. Don't laugh and say this happens all the time because I know for a fact that it doesn't. I am, however, convinced that it's happening more and more. Not just to me but to other vulnerable 80 kilo females as well. My proof is in the pudding. The pudding of spiked drinks, that is.

Last night was scary, I tell you. It's almost like each time I went to the bar and got a drink I felt more and more hazy and as time more time passed, the less I can recall about the night. All this has lead me to the conclusion that there must be some sort of active ingredient in all the drinks they sell at this particular pub. Some sort of chemical concotion that, when mixed with a tasty beverage like a Cruiser or a Lemon Ruski, makes one lose her inhibitions, become louder and turns that crappy cover band into a divine musical inspiration. Actually, they were pretty good, weren't they?

Maybe I was dressing like a target for these evil spikers. Let me see now, what was I wearing out last night? See, I can't even remember that, especially since I didn't wake up with my own clothes on. This has got to stop. A girl can't even go out and have eight to twelve nice drinks with the ladies without waking up in disoriented, head-ached and nauseous anymore. What is the world coming to?

Actually, come to think of it, the same thing happened last time I went out with the girls. And that time I ended up waking up in a bed with, um, what's that guy's name? That guy with the, uh...shirt? Yeah, he scared my kids a little. Especially when he introduced himself as "Daddy Steve" and offered to take them out for breakfast hotcakes.

And, you know what? Now that I think about it, I think my drink was spiked at Laurel and John's wedding too. Why else would I be dancing like a fool and embarassing myself on that video that Colin insists on showing everyone? It's almost like every time I go to a bar and get a refreshing drink from it, every sip I have is affecting my physiology. The only conclusion I can come to is that some evil being is spiking my drinks with an intoxicating agent. I'm not even sure if this being is human.

So, yeah, I think I'd better call the cops, because this is happening way too often.

"

Kennels in the Sky

2006-05-13T17:24:00.000+10:00

"

The dog died this week. Our once wide-eyed golden English cocker spaniel signed his own death warrant. His handwriting on the consent form was a little shaky, but considering the pain he was in, it was a champion effort. Yes, I'm sad. But as I shook his hand for the last time, I knew it was for the best. His fingers were slipping for the first time: this wasn't the firm, masculine handshake I had once known. This was limp and without passion. It was time.

I don't want you to feel badly about it. Oh no, that's the last thing Bill would have wanted. In fact, I remember standing by his side on the doctor's slab and having him look at me with his big brown eyes, taking the cigarette out of his mouth and saying "No tears, sonny. No tears". Of course, he didn't know what he was saying. He was delirious from loss of blood and anesthetic. But the sentiment remained as true as ever.

He went with dignity, something that is often denied the canine euthanasia patient. Anyone who ever knew him would have been proud to see his strength and resolve as that green liquid entered his body. He went as casually as if he was just coming home from work, putting his coat and fedora on the hat-stand and plonking himself in front of the TV to watch repeats of the Bob Morrison Show. That's right, he died just as he had lived: like a regular dog. And we should all remember him as such.

"

Where are the jokes?

2006-04-24T19:18:00.000+10:00

Where's all the jokes?

Maybe one day.

Dumping Emma: A story of male cowardice. Part Four.

2006-04-02T23:52:00.000+10:00

"

'You check your phone every 30 seconds, looking for a message that isn't there and isn't coming. How right that it's a cold and wet night. You walk past a parked car, headlines still on, with a woman inside speaking on her phone. The person on the other end has made her angry, and she moves her free hand around frantically. But it's just people you don't know, so you walk by. You have your own problems now, and they can only be dealt with alone.

...And you notice that when you say "I love you, ok?" it's more of a reassurance for yourself than something you think she wants to hear. You especially notice that when you say it, she doesn't say it back.

And writing a message half an hour after she's gone doesn't only look desperate, you can feel how pathetic it is coursing through your veins. So can she, when she reads it, no doubt. When she doesn't respond you realise it's less about her phone credit than about her just not feeling like talking to you right now.

You always think everything can be solved with a smile, a kiss, a hug, a joke that isn't funny. Maybe this time you'll have to dig a little deeper. '

So, Emma dumped me. Yeah, how ironic, I hear all you readers typing. Well, it's not so funny when you're on the other end. Apparently being in a relationship with yours truly is like banging your head against a brick wall. Again and again. And again. And again, until the blood gushes out onto the ground and you lose your critical functions and

I suppose you think this is my just deserts, since

As soon as she left I decided to go for a drive, to clear my mind, which was by now swimming with all kinds of thoughts, as you can imagine. What kind of thoughts? I don't know exactly, the swimming was like a murky pool of... Anyway, I kept swinging between a few different emotions. First, sadness. Then, anger. Then, fear. Then, I kinda got hungry.I kept driving around and, during one of my 'anger' moments, thought maybe I should crash my car. That'd show Emma. That'd make her really sorry. No-one can resist an ex-fiance who has been in a car accident, right? Yeah, but the plan didn't work out as well as I'd hoped. Oh, I crashed my car all right, but I just rammed it into a street sign, which I barely felt. Not nearly as 'I need to get to the hospital' as I was hoping for. I think it dinted by car too. Fuck, that could cost money. Me and my stupid ideas.

Maybe that girl from my class who has been with her boyfriend for two years but is sick of him and feels no attraction to him anymore...Yeah, she seems like just the type of girl to rebound with.

You know, I don't really feel like typing anymore. I'll leave you with the words of William Butler Yeats, with music by Benjamin Britten. I think he was on Law and Order or something.

Down by the Salley Gardens
My love and I did meet
She passed the Salley Gardens
With little snow-white feet.
She bid me take love easy
As the leaves grow on the tree
But I, being young and foolish
With her did not agree.

In a field by the river
My love and I did stand
And on my leaning shoulder
She laid her snow-white hand.
She bid me take life easy
As the grass grows on the weirs
But I was young and foolish
And now I am full of tears.

Yeah, poetic and shit.

"

Dumping Emma: A story of male cowardice. Part Three.

2006-02-22T16:16:00.000+11:00

"

Welcome back to Dumping Emma. This third installment will go over what people other than me have to say about the situation. The situation being, for those of you just joining our broadcast, that I’m planning on breaking up with Emma, my soon-to-be ex-girlfriend.

Or should that be soon to be ex-fiancé?

You see, loyal readers, before I delve into some choice quotes from people who are watching this whole unholy scenario unravel in front of eyes that aren’t attached to my head, I have a little story. Now, don’t judge me before you read it, because I can’t be entirely to blame here. Sometimes a man is backed into a corner and all he can do is lash out with certain words, like “Will you marry me?”

What I’m trying to say is, somehow I’ve gone one step forward, two steps back with this whole dumping Emma thing. Now she thinks that, far from breaking up, we’re actually going to get married. I admit I’m partially to blame in that area, what with asking for her hand in holy matrimony, but I insist it wasn’t just my fault. I mean, just imagine those doe-eyes batting their lids at you, those full lips pursed and those ankles just waiting to be stripped of their bobby socks. Do you have any idea what that can do to a man? I work so hard, don’t you understand, making maple syrup for the pancakes of our land?

So, with that in mind, yeah, I bit hard, took the plunge and swallowed more salt-water than I could chew. As a result my girlfriend is now my fiancé and I’m a little behind schedule in the whole breaking-up stakes. Still, it’s good that she’s momentarily happy before I tear her world apart. I’m nice like that.

Anyway, I did promise I’d let you into my inner circle and share some of the thoughts that have left mouths and flown my way regarding this situation. Can I just say, at the outset, that I’m a little disappointed at how my close mates are taking this? After all, I did initially start this project to prove something to them. Not entirely sure what that is anymore.

My friend Bobbo was astounded that Emma hasn’t found out about this blog and that I’m committing emotional and relationship suicide by exposing every detail of my proposed break-up. To that I say, der. Of course I’m committing relationship suicide. That’s the point. But I have to agree with Bobbo in that I too am surprised that Emma hasn’t found this blog. After all, she does have a degree in computer science, or something. Surely she could find it.

Actually, I’m a little disappointed that she hasn’t found it. After all, it would save me a heck of a lot of work if she just knew what was coming and confronted me early. Boy, would that save me some confronting of my own.

Another friend, who we’ll call Mudshark, following on in a similar vein from Bobbo, commented that not only have I been keeping a blog about my dumping plan, but I’ve also been mentioning it to every person I happen to meet, friend and stranger alike. He, like Bobbo, cannot believe it has not somehow gotten back to Emma through the grapevine. To that I can only say, meh. Maybe she doesn’t get out much. Or she just doesn’t like grapes.

Finally, two lovely anonymous commenters on this blog, both by the name of Anonymous (which is quite a coincidence when you think about it) exchanged some words with me regarding my supposed mistreatment of Emma.

To wit:
“What a joke! If you ever had a relationship in the first place, it shouldn't be hard to get her to your house, or you go to hers and tell her the reasons why.

What a drama queen you are.”

True. It wouldn’t be hard to get her to my house, but since my house is absolutely chock-a-block full of pictures of myself, when she ran out of my place screaming, she’d be running through hallway after hallway of framed portraits of yours truly, in a constant reminder of all she’s lost. Call me sentimental or a drama queen, but I just couldn’t do that to her.

Also:
“as if she's not good enough for you. Take what you can get buddy.”

Thank you for your consideration, but you really give her too much credit. I’m quite right in saying she’s not good enough for me. I do and will take what I can get, and it’s quite a higher standard than my new fiancé Emma.

And with that, he’s gone. Until next time, folks.

"

Dumping Emma: A story of male cowardice. Part Two.

2006-02-14T23:29:00.000+11:00

"

Right. So, I'm past all the preliminary stages of preparing to dump my 'girlfriend' Emma and now I'm up to the nitty gritty: the method. It's harder than you might think, coming up with a game-plan for dumping someone. You have to take into account all kinds of things, like where the best place to avoid a scene is, what time of day it is, what day of the week, and whether or not it should be done in person. Dumping's a tough business.

The first question I need to ask myself is, do I do the deed in person or not? Thinking about it, dumping someone over the phone - or better, SMS - has a privacy and intimacy that might not be found in an 'in-person' break-up. Then again, privacy and intimacy might not be the right emotions to project when telling someone they essentially aren't good enough for you anymore. Also, there's the possibility that Emma's anger at actually being dumped over a phone, fax or email will be worse than anything I would have to endure during an in-person dumping. After all, in-person I'll get the "Well, at least you had the guts to do this in person" speech (through tears if I'm lucky), which gets me some last-grasp brownie points.

So, given the above, I think breaking up with Emma in person is probably the best plan. God, it will be stressful though. Why can't those Jim's Mowing guys have a Jim's Dumping service where you can just delegate your emotional responsibilities. Something to work on in the future, perhaps.

Anyway, since I'm going to be breaking Emma's little heart with my face firmly to face with hers, the next question to be answered is, where should this dumping be done? I've actually given this one a bit of thought and I've already ruled out doing it at my house, since if she goes mental I don't want my stuff getting thrown around and broken. There's some new things in my room I wouldn't want hurled at me in a fit of rage, you know? Similarly, if I do it at her place, her loud wails and tears will surely arouse the suspicion of other people in the house, making my speedy exit very awkward as her family watch me every step of the way, from Emma's heart to their front door and beyond.

All this leads me to think that the best place for the dumping is a third venue, like a restaurant. Let's say I take her out for dinner and at sometime during the meal, subtlely slip in that this is the end. The question then, of course, is which course should the dumping occur in? I tend to think dessert, since it's nice to have something sweet in your mouth when there's sour news to be heard. Still, there's something to be said for a main-course break. Suggestions, anyone?

Most importantly, what eatery would be best for this type of thing? It has come to my attention that a classy restaurant is the best bet, since a woman is unlikely to make a scene if there are posh people in nice clothes and sipping expensive wine around. Trouble is, what counts as classy these days? Obviously, McDonald's is out (though, this DeliChoice stuff has gotten them a more urbane clientele, I notice) but what about La Porchetta? Too cheesy?

Smorgy's seems to be the intermediate, no? I'll mull over this a bit more, but I think my plan of action is taking form. The dumping shall occur at a restaurant somewhat resembling Smorgy's at sometime soon-ish.

Finally, I'd like to address something here. Dump is such a harsh word and I'd prefer not to use it. I mean, it’s not like I’m leaving her in the lurch without any hope. I mean, if I do it in a public place there will be heaps of other guys around she can perve on after I’ve told her she’s dropped. I’m a pretty considerate guy like that.

"

Dumping Emma: A story of male cowardice. Part One.

2006-02-10T14:10:00.000+11:00

"

Well, I guess I should introduce myself. I’m Chris and I’ve set up this blog as a document of this period of my life, which is, at the moment, characterized by my plan to dump my girlfriend Emma. Consider this a ‘legacy document’ for the relationship of Chris and Emma (and its ultimate downfall). In years to come, I can look back on this and go ‘that was me, then. Wasn’t it?’

I’ll be talking about the reasons why I’ve come to this conclusion and give insight into this period of my life so that in years to come…oh, I already said that, didn’t I? Emma and I have been together for close on fourteen months, which is a record for both of us. So, no matter what happens, we’ve always got that

Anyway, it all began last weekend. I was at a mate’s house, pissing up; and I was going on a bit, complaining about Emma, when Clarky piped up with “Well, why don’t you dump the slut then?” The thought had never occurred to me before, though I did point out to Clarky that ‘that slut has a name’ before considering his proposition. (Though, just quietly, I must admit, remembering that slut’s name after 25 beers was a bit of a task)

Before I had much time to consider it, I was suddenly being dared to dump Emma. And, call me old-fashioned, I’m a man who does what his mates dare him to. Even if it ends up in lock-up, an ugly chick’s bed or Wodonga. That’s just the kind of bloke I am.

So, why dump Emma? Well, to begin with, she’s a little bit dumb. Not dumb-dumb, but dumb enough for it to be a problem. I hate to say it, I mean, I probably love her but…she’s pretty much beneath me, intellectually speaking. Example: she thought that the Second World War was in the 50s! As we all know, it was, like, in the 30s or something.
Secondly, she’s pretty dull. You know, the music she listens to is bo-ring. I’ll be ready to rock out with my cock out, and she’s sitting there with fricken Pink Floyd on or something. She’ll be all “Oh Chris, this music puts me in the mood…” and I’m just like “Whatever! Get some Eminem in the house!” Then she gets upset! Get over it. What year is this anyway?

Oh, and another reason. She wants me to be, like, a father figure and shit. And, you know, man, I like George Michael as much as the next bloke, but I can’t even take care of sea monkeys. I’d just let her down, you know?

Now, I need to set a time for myself by which I have to have done ‘the deed’. It has to be after my birthday because she does get good presents and the sex will actually be very good then. However, it has to be before our anniversary because it will be hard to break up after such a milestone and, really, I can’t afford to get a soon-to-be-ex girlfriend a present.

Therefore, by my calculations I will have to have dumped her by 6 weeks’ time. I will need that time to build up the courage, after all.

"

Fanning the Flames of Religious Fundamentalism

2006-02-06T17:52:00.000+11:00

"

Let's make some Inflammatory Comments!

"Man, that Apollo sure is a stupid God. Fuck him"

"Hey, Zeus, your worshippers have no moral code!"

"Odin can eat my wang!"

"Medusa was a slut and her followers are too!"

"I bloody dare Ceridwen to strike me down where I stand"

"

So, I got tagged.

2006-02-03T18:59:00.000+11:00

"

So, I got tagged by MeasleBump. So, here's the most happening thing in the blogosphere right now:

List 8 attributes of the perfect partner.

1. Must be female. I really can't stress this enough. My God, if only there was some way to make people understand that I don't want to have them sleep with my bottom. This is key. Take note, my loyal readers.

2. Must be breathing. Seriously, think about this for a minute. How annoying - not to mention gross - would it be to have a partner that wasn't always, in some sense, alive? Not to offend any of you necrophiles out there but..eww. So, yeah, this is pretty important to me in seeking out a partner, ideal or otherwise.

3. Should have the resources to get me home when I'm passed out in some bar. While not as important as the above two, this still ranks pretty high in my list. I mean, I'm a pretty heavy drinker and I can't really hold my piss, so a chick with a car is really what I'd be looking for. Which reminds me...

4. Must be OK with me refering to her as 'chick', 'hey you, over there' and 'current fuck'. It's not that I'm always vulgar, it's just that..you know, my ideal chick would have to be tolerant of a lot of things that some current fucks haven't been comfortable with.

5. She shouldn't be a member of al-Qaeda. Actually, this should probably extend to Hamas, the PLO, the IRA...pretty much any international terrorist organization. Sorry, it's not that I'm anti-violence so much as anti-women having a strong opinion. Unless, you know, their opinion consists of making me do the white wee wee. Booya.

6. No fat chicks. Obviously.

7. Must be able to play Dungeons and Dragons at a semi-professional level,. This is just standard. Since it's not likely she'll be a good conversationalist (right, guys? LOL), I think good D&D sessions can really bring a couple together. Or so I've heard anyway, from my mate Nigel who reckons he and his ex almost didn't break up because of the D&D.

8. Uh, can you lend me 20 bucks?

Well, I've done my part. Now, ladies, it's your turn. I await with baited breath.

"

Graffiti Artists Declare War on Art Galleries

2006-01-23T22:01:00.000+11:00

"

Prominent graffiti artists in Melbourne have declared their intentions to rid the city of the ‘scourge of legitimate art’ currently being fostered in institutions like the National Gallery of Victoria.

This apparent turf war does not end at art galleries alone. Any space, public or private, that may house artworks or hang paintings on walls; such as libraries, council offices and schools may be subject to attacks by the so-called Art Jihad group.

Senior member of the paramilitary spray-painting clique Darryl ‘Daz’ Edwards says that the time has come for a full-on assault against art galleries and their ilk, calling on all citizens to stop this ‘menace on good taste’.

“It’s not only ugly, it’s a serious criminal offence, or at least it should be” Edwards said in a statement released today, referring to the ‘rogue galleries’ that operate without government funding. “It’s ugly, distracting and not a very good example for other nations, considering the Commonwealth Games are coming up”.

However, the CEO of the Victorian Art Galleries Association had a different take on the issue. “We are sick of our work being undermined by the presence of public spaces that condone art in some forms, but not others” Stuart McGraw said. “Artworks hung or erected inside buildings and galleries have just as much validity as those spray-painted on trains and fences.”

Works of ‘art’ in galleries deprive councils of an estimated $1.6 million in revenues each year.

"

Mediocre Cops Die Suddenly

2006-01-15T14:58:00.000+11:00

"

Victoria Police were indifferent today as they learned that two of their least capable members had died suddenly while on a bus trip in the Middle East. Lt. Joanne Glynn and Sgt. Jack Crawford, both described by VicPol staff documents as "medicore employees, pending serious review ", were on a tour bus of an undisclosed location when a fork in the road caused the vehicle to swerve suddenly and crash, killing an undisclosed number of people. The fork was unharmed.

Senior members of the Victoria Police organization have expressed distanced sympathy with the victims' families, but added that their deaths will "in no way hinder the Police as an organization or cause us much professional grief".

This echoed the approach of Police Commissioner Dick Nixon, who said he had that while he had a moral duty to feel pity for the dead and their families, it should be made clear that "Not all cops are great and not all dead people die heroes".

However, interviews with lower-level employees of the force yielded fond memories of Glynn, with one Constable remarking that "you could always count on Joanne for a laugh, from the time she made an arrest while naked to the time she almost filled out her paperwork correctly".

Upon being asked to recall Crawford, the constable replied "Who?"

The two deceased Police members will not be given a state funeral.

"

Long Weight

2006-01-07T17:08:00.000+11:00

INT - CAFE - DAY
A heavy-set waitress walks over to a table carrying a coffee. One person is seated, reading the paper.

WAITRESS
(apologetic)
Sorry about the wait...

PATRON
(looking up briefly, then back to paper)
That's OK. You're not that fat!

Long pause. Waitress exits.

END

God Gears Up For New Boxing Day Disaster

2005-12-25T21:47:00.000+11:00

"

Heaven was in a frenzy this Christmas morning as Almighty God, maker of all that is seen and unseen, racked his brain over what He could do that would be able to top last year's boxing day tsunami.

Natural disasters are the Lord's bread and butter, but with things increasingly incendiary between human beings on Earth, God has been having a tough time coming up with ideas for a worldwide calamity to rival the unmitigated tragedy of human behaviour in 2005.

Despite talk of God being confounded, the Man Upstairs and his entourage are being tight-lipped on the matter. However, suggestions have been leaked as to what the Big Cheese may have in store. Sources say that among the potential catastrophes on God's so called 'disaster checklist' are:

- Earthquake
- Tornado
- Widespread Bird Flu
- Plague of Locusts

However, experts on Natural-Disaster-Science-ism are skepical that any of the above will occur this Boxing Day, considering that they have already occurred in regional disasters this year: for example, Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, the earthquake in Pakistan, the continuing avian influenza scare and Victoria's biblical locust problem.

"For God to roll out one of the old standard disasters this December 26 would be a little hack, a little predictable, considering the breadth of catastrophes on display in 2005" said Dr. Harold Dangermouse of the Intelligent Mythology Theological Commission. "No, I think we should expect something extra special this Boxing Day; something rapturous"

So as the world eagerly awaits what terrible tragedy and charity telethon will kick off the year 2006, people everywhere are coming up with suggestions that God might consider to make his annual Boxing Day Disaster even more of a world-stopper than last year's.

Katrina Roundbottom-Chan, 26, of Inverleigh suggested God eat a giant hot dog with mustard and tomato sauce over the Earth, spilling excess condiments all over our earthly continents.

Lindsy al-Ghul, 35, of Watsonia said only two and a half words: "Fresh-water shortage".

Josh Turner, 29, of Ballarat, went for an old standby, suggesting God cast down all the first borns this Boxing Day. "That way, the world might finally be rid of Bush" said Turner, in a cheap joke. "And God would also get to have a disaster that is truly historic".

"

Things to Do at the Obligatory Christmas Mass

2005-12-25T01:56:00.000+11:00

- Tally the people in the congregation who you would you have sex with, if forced to decide.

- Wonder how many of the people there under thirty were dragged along by their families.

- Enjoy the throng of sibilants that erupts as a result of a couple of hundred people saying "in accordance with the scriptures"

- Resist the urge to scream out "Blashyrkh mighty raven dark!" when the congregation says "deliver us from evil" during the Lord's Prayer.

- Think of how many arguments could be won/lost simply by saying "Jesus said so"

- Compile your favourite fictional festive characters: Santa, Rudolph, Jesus...

- During the Gospel reading, nudge the person next to you and say loudly "When does Santa come into the story?"

- Think of something to write in your blog.

Not Being American Pays Off Yet Again

2005-12-22T23:23:00.000+11:00

Inappropriate lines in otherwise harmless commercials

2005-12-21T17:23:00.000+11:00

"Now, the only thing I'll be scraping is aborted fetuses"
- In a dental health commercial about the dangers of scratching teeth and gums.

"Really show your Muslim neighbours their religion stinks!"
- In a commercial for Christmas decorations.

"I can't wait for the footy season to begin. It allow times for my bruises to heal before Derryn gives me some new ones"
- In a commercial for the coming football season.

"I can't wait for the footy season to begin. It allows me to sublimate my repressed homosexuality"
- In a commcerical for the coming football season.

"The beer of choice for rioting rednecks in New South Wales"
- In a commercial for beer.

"Be the envy of all your unimaginative and vacuous friends!"
- In a commercial for an Australian Idol contestant's album.

"Our planes almost never get hijacked and flown into buildings"
- In a commercial for a popular airline.

"See the sites! Taste the food! Feel the noose!"
- In a commercial for Tourism Singapore.

Other Text Messages Sent by Cronulla Gangs

2005-12-16T15:44:00.000+11:00

'Shortage of Australian flags at riot point B. Repeat: we need more flags.'

'Riot this Sunday; sunscreen a necessity. Ladies, bring a plate. '

'Dude, just saw you with your shirt off. That new tatt is sex-C as!'

'Fancy dress party this weekend, following riot. NB: Do not come as a cop or a lebo.'

'This gang violence must stop! Let's get together and beat them up one at a time.'

'If caught by coppers, say you were just going to drink the molotov cocktails.'

'Remember to double check your spelling on signs! We don't want any more "Australia for Austrians" posters. '

'More riots next week! The blogging community needs us.'

"One last kiss. Please, I don't want this to end so soon"

Works in Progress: Planned Blog Entries That Laziness Got The Better Of

2005-12-11T19:51:00.000+11:00

"Bilynda Williams Promises Expected Twins Will Get Better Babysitter This Time"

"That depends on what you mean by 'did you' and 'give me crabs'..."

"Debauchery at Schoolies, Apparently"

"Richard Pryor Dies: Millions of Comedians Rip Him Off, Killing Themselves"

"Famous Relationships That Ended at McDonald's"

The 'Police Shorts Big Success' Caption Competition

Punk Legends Extol Idol's Lee

2005-12-05T15:36:00.000+11:00

"

Legends of punk-rock spanning generations have rallied around former Australian Idol contestant Lee Harding and praised his style and unique talent. Jello Biafra , Ian MacKaye, Michael 'Fat Mike' Burkett and the ghost of Joey Ramone all expressed their support for the 22 year old in a press conference today.

"Lee's Australian Idol performances were just second to none" said Fat Mike, who plans to release a cover version of Harding's own cover of Survivor's Eye of the Tiger with his band NOFX, as a tribute to the innovative youngster. "The way he made the chorus jump into double-time after the mid-tempo verses is just punk rock genius at its finest"

Jello Biafra, most famous for his work with the Dead Kennedys, also expressed awe for Harding's take on the nasal, whiny vocals that Biafra himself made famous in the early 80s. "All I can say is, when Lee's single 'Wasabi' comes out on Sunday, the punk-rock world had better sit up and take notice. Lee has taken my patented vocals and put them in a whole new context! Amazing!"

Hardcore punk pioneer Ian MacKaye of Minor Threat and Fugazi was thankful that the "harsh, streamlined and mechanised Idol processing plant has allowed a punk gem like Harding to fall through into the big time. That's the essence of punk, after all".

While Joey Ramone's ghost, formerly of seminal outfit the Ramones, was mainly quiet, upon hearing that Lee had selected the song 'Footloose' as the one song that perfectly reflects his personality he was heard to exclaim "Fuckin' A!"

The press conference concluded with an in-depth analysis of Harding's new single, including lyrics such as 'Wasabi /So damn hot /Yeah my head's gonna blow'. All punk legends gathered were impressed with this prime example of true punk-rock poetry.

Moderator of the event Henry Rollins selected Wasabi as a new contender for a punk-rock classic, to join the ranks of 'Holiday in Cambodia', 'Blitzkrieg Bop' and 'Straight Edge'.

"With the insightful comment on middle class ennui found in lyrics like 'She's just like wasabi/Looks like a barbie', I think we can safely say that Lee Harding's lyricism meets or even eclipses that of those admitted legends gathered here" Rollins said. Rollins then flexed his muscles, so that nobody could disagree.

"

Guest Columnist: Van Tuong Nguyen

2005-12-05T14:31:00.000+11:00

"

"

"God is telling me to eat this cheese sandwich"

2005-11-25T15:49:00.000+11:00

"

I know it might not be very 'politically correct' and I'm sure the liberal media will be just waiting to bag me out but I'm telling you, God wants me to eat this cheese sandwich. He planted the idea inside my head like the benveolent being He is and guided my hands through every step of the process: defrosting the bread, cutting the cheese, buttering the slices; even when I nicked my hand with the knife. God must have been teaching me a lesson about responsibility or something. Ah, that God, that's such a 'Him' thing to do.

Anyway, now that the preparation is done, it is clear to me that God wants me to eat this cheese sandwich, almost like a sacrifice to His power and glory. Because, you know, it's not just the grand gestures that make one's life spiritual and holy. It's the everyday, the regular - yes, you might even say the mundane - that shows that God is truly within, without and between us at all times. He exists in the space between me and the delicious cheesy goodness of this sandwich, made from the simplest of materials - processed and refined carbohydrates and dairy products. When I close that gap between the sandwich and my mouth, it's like I'm kissing God right on his bearded face. And that's the most beautiful thing of all.

So, here's to you, oh mighty cheese sandwich maker in the sky. And here's to your love. Amen.

"

Suggestions for New Punishments

2005-11-23T00:25:00.000+11:00

- Sitting down with drug mules and forcing them to use all 150 kilos of heroin they've smuggled, just to show them how wrong it is.

- Virtual Execution, where 'death' row inmates can no longer live in the real world. They have to live in a simulacrum of 'life', like the Matrix .

- Curfews for people under the age of 20. Because, you know how adolescents are known for obeying their elders.

- Consider the sociological context of the crime committed and punish each member of society equally. Possibly with mandatory viewing of Merrick and Rosso's various television work.

- Put rioters on a deserted island together with only one bandana between them.

- Forcing sex offenders to hug their victims. Not too hard though.

- Imprisonment for talking back to a teacher in high school. That will teach them to respect authority figures.

- Offenders are sent back in time to 19th century London and are forced to live with Bill Sykes, Fagin and the Artful Dodger.

- Choice between gaol, the armed services or Big Brother.

- Public spankings. Tissues will be handed out if anyone gets too excited.

- A formal 'Corner' that offenders have to sit in for, like, almost all of lunchtime.

- Forced musket duels between offenders. The winner gets a reduced prison sentence.

- 60 Minutes interviews and $40,000 pay-outs.

- Sending offenders directly to hell, because they are evil.

- Mandatory Sentencing and zero-tolerance policing. (Just kidding. We don't want to get crazy).

"Dude, you should so read A Tale of Two Cities"

2005-11-18T23:06:00.000+11:00

"

Dude, did you just tell me that you, convicted drug-trafficker Tuong Van Nguyen, currently on death row in Singapore, have a twin brother? A twin brother that was in debt and is, in fact, the reason you, Van Nguyen, took the drug-mule job? Dude! That is the shit! I hope you're a fan of Dickens, because I think A Tale of Two Cities would so be up your alley.

Dig: A Tale of Two Cities is about these two dudes who look alike and are in love with the same woman. And one of them, right, gets sentenced to be killed by Madame Gulliotine. But - and this is the part that concerns you, my friend - the other dude takes his place so the other can live happily ever after with the woman he loves. Talk about sacrifice! Does this sound pertinent to you, Van Nguyen? I bet you're wishing you'd taken literature when you could have, right?

Anyway, with this is mind I think it's clear what you should do: the ol' switcheroo. Look, I know for a fact that in the last few days before your imminent execution, you'll be allowed more visits than usual. So, how about you get your brother to visit you?

Then, the tricky part: he visits you in your cell and you distract the prison guard with a pithy comment like "Boy, I bet after I've been executed I'll really have learnt my lesson and be able to be reintegrated into society" or "Look at that thing behind you!". Whatever, just make sure that the guard doesn't see you and your brother swap clothes, so that he is now in your prison gear and you're in his, like, Fila jacket or whatever.
Then, you (as your brother) say "OK, bro, I'm off. See you in the next life" and leave quickly, leaving your twin brother - the one that got you into this mess - on death row.

And as he walks those few feet to the gallows for you on December 2, he can utter those immortal words, "It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known". After all, I think the dude owes you.

"

"If you promise not to stage a major terrorist attack, I'll give you some of this chocolate"

2005-11-14T02:23:00.000+11:00

"
Ok, so...I know your friends are up to something. No, no, don't deny it. I don't really want to know. I mean, I realise you're disaffected with your station in life, especially since everyone assumes you're a terrorist and now your mechanics business will probably go down the gurgler. But, here's the thing: I have some chocolate, right here. And, you know, this chocolate is pretty fricken awesome. I mean, it's so good that I can't just give it all to you: I got it from that place down the road that's only open like, one day a week because the rest of the time they are perfecting the batches they make.

So, here's what I'm proposing: if you promise me that you and your mates aren't planning some kind of major terrorist attack, I'll give you some of this chocolate.

That's a pretty sweet deal if you ask me. After all, it's not like you have to acknowledge what I've said by giving away any secret information or anything. All you have to do is maybe nod a little bit and take some of this sweet dairy-milk chocolate from me. That will be the social contract between us. And if there's no major terrorist attack, then I'll know you kept up your end of the bargain. But if there is, oh boy, you're gonna be in big trouble.

I say this with the confidence that you're not the suicide-bomber type. I figure you're more of a low-level employee in the foot-clan terror association. I mean, you just bought a PSP: hardly the sort of investment one makes if an imminent suicide attack is about to be staged. Am I right or am I right? I also say with complete confidence that this chocolate is so good that it will make you rethink any plans you and your jihad-buddies might be thinking about. Seriously.

So, there's my proposition. I know it's not much, but this is all I really have the power to offer you, my accused friend. Had I the power I'm sure that I'd do all I could to dissaude you from whatever course of action you might be thinking about taking. Anyway, my cards are on the table. The chocolate is melting a blob in my pocket, so you might want to make up your mind. But, whatever. I'll pick up my car tomorrow.
"

People Everywhere Are Thwarting

2005-11-08T16:58:00.000+11:00

"Ok, so I went into the future of a parallel universe and, you know what? The 'major terrorist attack' that was thwarted today was actually only going to be a minor terrorist attack.

So, like, what I'm saying is, we needn't have thwarted it. A minor one we can handle. We can handle that shit so much that we're better of talking about Industrial Relations reforms instead.

After all, if we mention we thwarted a terrorist attack, the terrorists win.

Now, can you help me do up my bra?"

Thwarting Time

2005-11-08T16:38:00.000+11:00

"I think if you ever get sent back to the past and you only have time to grab one thing from the present, consider making it mouthwash. You might get sent back hundreds of years, to when personal hygiene wasn't too popular. Think about it."

"Getting sent back in time might help thwart further major terrorist attacks."

"..."

Entire PostSecret Site Work of One Lonely Guy

2005-11-07T17:42:00.000+11:00

"

In a shock announcement to the internet community, today popular internet site postsecret.blogspot.com was revealed to be the work of just one sad dude, rather than thousands of sad dudes, as had been common belief. Darryl Turner, 38, said it was finally too big a secret to keep to himself and 'pretty much goes against the idea of the site, which is revealing secrets".

Somewhat fittingly, the revelation was announced as a postsecret postcard entry, with the text "I make up all the secrets on this site but pretend they are from different people" scrawled over a blank postcard with a sad face drawn in black marker. "I tried to find a postcard that had a painting of a weeping clown on it, but the store was shut by the time I got there, so I had to settle on making my own" said Turner, a certified accountant.

However, the response to Turner's revelation has not been pretty, with many people feeling cheated by the ruse. "I projected a lot of my own feelings onto those postsecret entries" said sales assistant Joan Pilsner, 24. "Now I feel like my empathy was in vain. I hate feeling like my empathy was in vain, you know?"

"It's just like this guy made me feel sorry for all those people and now it turns out he's the only one who we were feeling sorry for" said mechanic Jake Dwyer, 30. "That pisses me off because, like, I don't want him having all the sympathy. That sympathy was meant for everyone, not just him!"

Turner himself says he cannot apologise for his actions but he will happily pay fifty dollars to anyone who sends him an invoice for "Emotional Damages". He promises.

"

Guest Columnist: Baby Francis

2005-11-01T19:33:00.000+11:00

"

Goo gaa! Gaaaa! Uh hooo aah ha ha haha. Gaaalk brrr ump kskik! Ma ma goo golg, ksikmsnahnph, quaa? Wooo hehehe!! Ga ga ga gagaga goo goo ga ga gaaa ga. Ha la la goo ga gaa gagaga wooo daaa. Daaa daa dadaaa, la goo ga ga. Gaaaagagaga! Loo la la ksssssidn kernipp mllllk gooo gaa. Goo gaa! Gaaaa! Lazy. Uh hooo aah ha ha llk haha. Mama mamaaa miiiii ga goooo ga ghagaga.

Frrpk na na maaa da da goo ga la ma hmm. Ya yoo gaaak, ya yo gak, frin knaa, ma neees spee nlki la! Goo ga ya yo yo gak na. Goo gleee slee me ma ma dadaes quen nah go go ggggaaa! Kawn ya yo gaak? Ga Busy gaga goo goo ga ga gaaa ga. Ha la lana klm nah soo goo wooo.

Pssh dadaada ma goo haa gaa yak yoo. Dadada shee trrn. Goo go go haga ga aklrkefg!!! Ya taal gak yo yo? ZMa mama. Uh hooo aah ha ha llk haha. Mama mamaaa miiiii ga goooo ga ghagaga. Ah dad ama mamaaa miiiii ga goooo ga ghagaga. Geerrp la na coo woo whookam.

"

Teen Kind to Everyone, Video Games Blamed

2005-10-23T18:46:00.000+10:00

"

A teenage boy's continued good behaviour at school and home has been linked to his love of video games. Michael Kesic, 15, this week admitted to his parents and teachers that the source of his desire to behave well and be kind to his peers stems from his favourite hobby of playing Xbox games on a nightly basis.

Teachers of the A+ student from his Glen Iris high school have expressed some shock at this admission but were relieved that his gregarious nature was not the result of drug abuse.

"Well, I always knew there was something wrong with Michael, being nice and calm all the time", English teacher Gwen McLaughlin said. "But, I always thought his being affable was something to do with good parenting. Hearing that video games are to blame, I just don't know what to think"

Kesic's favourite video games include the violent sci-fi fantasies Halo and Halo 2, along with the sniper role-playing thriller Splinter Cell. "Yeah, I play these violent games so much that it makes violent behaviour an abstraction to me" said the VCE student. "It seems completely untenable to actually treat people badly."

At a glance, Kesic's permanent record is a model of upstanding and outstanding performance. His behaviour even seemed to improve and his marks show an upward turn around the same time he started playing video games more regularly.

Michael's mother, Donna Kesic, 46, says she is extremely proud of her son and wishes more teens would follow his example. "All I can hope is that more parents will buy violent video games for their children so they can learn to associate violence with the world of television and not the world in which we live and breath"

Summing up his personality and outlook on life, Kesic said "Yeah, I guess I'm pretty much a nice guy. Just make sure you're not a Covenant alien while the Master Chief's in the bushes!"

"

Mummy! Mummy!

2005-10-19T17:14:00.000+10:00

"

"Mummify, do you think you've been anthropomorphised since your death?"

"No. No I do not."

"Right. Well, folks, you heard it right from the horse's mouth: Mummify, the dead race horse, has not been anthropomorphised. Thanks, Mum."

"No problem, Bruce."

"

"I'd like to thank Ed Gein for all the great movies he inspired"

2005-10-16T15:48:00.000+10:00

"

Look, I think we should just take a minute or two here to salute a person who is, really, a great inspiration to the art of film-making. No, it's not Hitchcock. It's not even Bergman. Nor Truffaut. No, the motion picture hero - and I don't use that word lightly - is none other than notorious serial killer Ed Gein. OK, calm down. I know what you're thinking. Your mind's going a million miles a minute with thoughts like "But didn't he murder numermous people and rob graves to descrates corpses?"; "Didn't he make a waistcoat out of a vagina and breasts as well as a belt made of human nipples?" and "Didn't he practice cannibalism and necrophilia after his nutcase mother died leaving him all alone in the world?"

And you'd be right in thinking those things. Maybe even right in saying, nay screaming them. But despite Gein's murderous nature - or perhaps because of it - he has cemented himself into the canon of Hollywood stardom. Why he doesn't have his own star outside Mann's Chinese Theater with his hand prints forever immortalised in cement?

After all, Ed Gein is the man who, through serial killing, grave descration, cannibalism and other quite-nasty things, inspired the classic films Psycho, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the Silence of the Lambs, to mention only a few. These films have been influential in film-making and modern movies are indebted to them for their groundbreaking depictions of what are, essentially, Ed Gein's quirks. By the way, you like that Slayer song 'Dead Skin Mask'? Well, that's a song about ol' Eddie too.

So, all I'm saying is, let's give credit where credit is due. The world of movies is better for having depicted the depravity of Mr. Gein and I think we should not be stingy in paying homage to him where ever we can. Think about it folks. You love Hannibal Lecter and Buffalo Bill? You think Leatherface was kinda cool? You think Norman Bates was a great character? None of those creations would be diddly squat without Ed Gein. My hero and yours. God bless you, where ever you may be.

"

Converse

2005-10-10T14:06:00.000+10:00

"It's so hard to keep up with what everyone you used to know is doing with themselves"

"I just assume everyone is doing commerce"

"Why's that?"

"It sounds boring and realistic enough for these people. Plus, it means you don't have to talk to annoying people since nobody wants to admit they don't know what commerce is"

"Uh huh. So, what are you doing again?"

"Commerce"

"Touche"

Things to Ban to Stop Terrorism

2005-10-04T17:31:00.000+10:00

"

- Wrist watches: terrorists synchronise their watches in attacks. No watches = no terrorism.

- Daylight : terrorist usually strike during the day. If we can block out the sun, no terrorism.

- Pop Music: isn't it obvious that this is all, somehow, the fault of Australian Idol?

- Backpacks, briefcases, clothes with pockets etc.: nothing to carry bombs in = no bombs.

- Merrick and Rosso: while we're getting rid of stuff....

- Bars, Clubs, etc.: No buildings to blow up= no buildings being blown up.

- Recreation: people not going out = people not going out and getting blown up.

- Lax dress codes: terrorists don't dress up to die. Harsh dress code policy = no terrorism.

- Science: no bomb-making technology = no bombs being made.

- Cameras: no pictures of terrorism = no terrorism.

- Suicide: suicide bombers should probably be given the death penalty, since the death penalty is a deterrent to crime. Deterrent to terrorism = no terrorism

- The word 'terrorism': no word for terrorism = no terrorism.

"

"If you inform yourself, the terrorists win"

2005-10-03T18:04:00.000+10:00

"
The time has come for extreme measures. It is now no longer enough to simply watch the news, hope and pray that something terrible doesn't happen to you, either on home soil or visiting Asian tourist resorts very much resembling Queensland. No, dear readers, desperate times have arrived and I think this much is clear: if you're informed, the terrorists have won. Yes, you read that right. If you watch television, read newspapers and talk to people about current events, you may as well be harbouring suicide bombers under your stairwell.

I think it is obvious that with every 'news' report that flashes across your TVs, the terrorists smile. If you, as a Westerner, allow yourself to become engaged with the world in which you live and accept that things actually are happening outside your front door, you are devoting your precious thoughts to the terrorists' cause and therefore supporting them mentally: even if you don't know it.

Thinking about terrorism, knowing about previous terrorist attacks and predicting future attacks only encourages them. Can you not see that every time the Herald Sun prints a front page stating "Bali Bombs - Not an anniversary issue; a new attack", the terrorist gods smile upon our foolishness? The people in charge of the media conglomerates really ought to be rethinking their dissemination strategies. One suggestion from this humble commentator: repeats of 'Hey Dad' all day, every day. That will stop people thinking about terrorism. Of course, they'll have to censor that final season where Mr Kelly goes to live in Saudi Arabia.

So, what am I suggesting? Well, I'm glad you asked. The only way we can beat the kind of people who would walk into a bar with a backpack - speaking of which, what is the dress code up there in Bali, anyway? - and blow themselves up is to not regard them. That means cut off communication with friends, family, neighbours, internet, newspaper, television and radio. The situation is too dire to allow yourself to even think about this. All right. Now turn off your computer.

"

Dude Takes Burzum Way Too Seriously!

2005-09-27T15:03:00.000+10:00

Comedy Lovers

2005-09-25T18:58:00.000+10:00

EXT - PARK - DAY
A male and female couple sit on a park bench with their arms around eachother. They kiss passionately. Smile. This is a major public-display-of-affection session and they don't seem to care. The music is sickeningly sweet.

MAN
I love you.

FEMALE
I love you more!

They kiss again. A man walking his dog strolls into shot. He is wearing a suit and tie. He looks at the couple and apprehensively begins to talk.

WALKING DOG MAN
(with little expression)
Gee...(sighs)..
They sure are in love.

The Walking Dog Man turns to face the camera.

WALKING DOG MAN
Yes, that's the punch line.
(pauses, breaking character)
Humiliating, isn't it? When comedy writers fall in love, this is what happens.
But together, we can stop the madness.
So, if you know any comedy writers, please: kill their girlfriends.
(beat)
Or comedy will be reduced to this...

The couple on the bench stop kissing.

MAN
Knock knock

FEMALE
Who's there?

MAN
I love.

FEMALE
I love who?

MALE
I love you!

The Walking Dog Man coughs, trying to stifle his gag reflex.

WALKING DOG MAN
Give generously to the Single Comedians Benefit.
(looks behind him)
Please.

The music swells to a climax as a title appears across the screen. It reads "Stop the Madness: Keep Comedians Single."

End.

Visitors

2005-09-25T18:26:00.000+10:00

EXT – BUILDING SITE – DAY
A building site, fully operational, is partitioned off from the footpath. A sign hangs on the fence that says ‘All Visitors Must Report to Site Office’. A man and a woman, both dressed in lederhosen happen to be walking by. They see the sign and stop. They look at each other, shrug and walk into the building site.
They approach the small container with a sign attached. It reads ‘Site Office’. The couple enter the site office door.

INT - SITE OFFICE – DAY
A business man sits at a sparse desk. He wears a hardhat, although he is inside. The couple wearing lederhosen enter.

HARD HAT MAN
Yes? Can I help you?

LEDERHOSEN MAN
Vee are here.

HARD HAT MAN
Uh huh. I see that.

LEDERHOSEN MAN
Yes. Thank you.

They exit.

End.

Abortion: the case For and Against, with modest conclusions.

2005-09-21T16:47:00.000+10:00

Against: Abortion is murder.
For: Meat is murder, too.
Conclusion: Let’s combine the two and eat those aborted fetuses.

Against: We shouldn’t kill anything sentient. Fetuses are sentient.
For: We shouldn’t kill anything sentient. Fetuses aren’t sentient.
Conclusion: Sentience means shit.

Against: Fetuses are cute. They can play with rattles and shit all day long, wear nappies and they even talk inside the womb.
For: Cattle are cute. They lie around all day and make funny noises that are very human-like. It’s just adorable.
Conclusion: Cuteness means shit.

Against: Just look at this picture, you cruel fucks.
For: Just look at this picture, you cruel fucks.
Neither for nor against: Just look at this picture, you cruel fucks.
Conclusion: Pictures mean shit.

For: People who are pro-life support the war in Iraq, which is ironic, since war is murder.
Against: People who are pro-choice are against the death penalty, which is ironic, since abortion is murder.
Conclusion: Irony means shit.

For: There are too many people in the world.
Against: There aren’t enough people in the world.
Conclusion: People mean shit.

For: You aren’t human until you’ve lived in the social world.
Against: If you don't allow something to live in the social world, how can it ever become human?
Conclusion: Twins are human in utero: they can be social with eachother. Single babies are not.

For: Babies aren’t babies until they are born.
Against: A shit is a shit before it comes out of your bottom.
Conclusion: The sorites paradox will not help.

Against: People should take responsibility for their actions and learn to live with the consequences of their actions.
For: My responsibility is to my friends: to party all night and hook up with heaps of guys whilst drunk.
Conclusion: Responsibilities are relative.

Against: Abortion is murder and therefore a sin.
For: I was raped by my brother and incest is a sin.
Conclusion: Religion means shit.

Against: I’m pro-life.
For: I’m pro-choice.
Conclusion: Irreducible complexity. Arguments need to get beyond this.

Family Member Dying Screws Up Christmas Dinner Plans

2005-09-21T15:06:00.000+10:00

"

Rosie McDonald's extended family is distraught after brother-in-law Jake McDonald died mysteriously overnight. The aspiring actor was aged just 34.

Although not very close to Jake, Rosie McDonald expressed great doubts about the success of the holiday season following his death.
'This is just a disaster' McDonald said. 'This throws our entire Christmas Day plans completely out of whack. Now where's everyone going to sit?'

McDonald added that Jake's death meant her meticulously planned seating arrangement, based on UN Security Council meetings, was ruined, since 'there must be the perfect balance: if one member of the family isn't there, the whole scene falls apart'.

Rosie's planning of Christmas dinner and related events is a long held tradition in the McDonald family, ever since she married Jake's brother Andy and declared herself 'Queen of the Christmas Kitchen and KK Plans'. This was a position not previously held by any member of the immediate McDonald family, who had hitherto opted for a Christmas dinner eaten on laps in the lounge room.

Another famous new tradition that Andy's wife brought to the family was a diagrammatic KK system, where each person's KKs for the next five years is mapped in a chart. Jake's death has made this already unpopular idea untenable, with Rosie reportedly fuming that her brother-in-law had the gall to die before the time on her first KK graph had elapsed.

Andy and Jake's sister Pheobe said that although Jake's death was, 'I guess, a tragedy,' she felt 'sorta relieved that we don't have to adhere to Rosie's plans. I mean, my KK this year was Uncle Teddy. She knows I hate that guy'.

The matriarch of the McDonald clan, Mrs. Liliana McDonald concurred with her daughter, noting that 'That bitch has been fucking up our Christmas plans for way too many years. If only my son was man enough to stand up to her!'

Brother of the deceased - and Rosie's husband - Andy could not be reached for comment. Family members mentioned he was 'probably apologising to his wife for his brother's untimely, completely unexpected passing'.

"

Some (other) Important Things of Note Highlighted by the Latham Diaries

2005-09-17T16:40:00.000+10:00

- That Latham has the balls to stand by his convictions and up to his enemies.

- Regardless of what you think of him, no other politician today has these kind of balls.

- Latham actually saved the world on numerous occasions under the alias 'Dr. Supermensch'.

- Sex with backbenchers is better because they are more eager. "No portfolio: no panties" is his rule.

- Latham sits at home nights just thinking about how 'true blue' he is.

- That regular Australians actually like this guy now, because he hates both Labor and the Coalition, just like they do.

- Remember: he called the PM an arselicker. In public.

- During that handshake, Latham might as well have been slipping Howard a note that says 'you win'.

- If he is making up even half of this stuff, Kim Beazley and the ALP are still in deep shit.

- After the election loss, Latham planned on finding out the names and numbers of the 'silent majority' so he could break their arms.

- He is probably going to make enough money off this book to live comfortably forever. The Australian Dream: sticking a dog up the bastards and being rich enough to gloat.

- Latham would actually punch Osama Bin Laden in the face. And Howard. And the Queen if need be.

- He just wasn't made for politics. He has emotions.

Looking All Over

2005-09-14T22:56:00.000+10:00

Looking Bad.

Looking Good

American Fuckhead Mispronounces Melbourne in Terrorist Video

2005-09-12T23:10:00.000+10:00

"

International terrorist pen-pal club al-Qaeda released a video yesterday, on the fourth anniversary of their one-off ‘party in the sky’, declaring that their next targets will be Los Angeles and a place called Mel-Born.

Terrorism experts are ‘pretty sure’ the American-accented Muslim – thought to be US citizen Adam Gadahn – was actually referring to the Australian city of Melbourne in the video, but are baffled that a supposedly technologically advanced terrorist network did not have the research capacities to find out how to pronounce the name of Australia’s coolest city.

Gadahn, who converted to Islam and became an avid supporter of Osama bin Laden after his book ‘Cinema Verite’s Implications For Terrorism in the 21st Centuy’, wears spectacles and a face-covering cloth in the new video, prompting some in the national security industry to nickname him ‘that four eyed cunt who can’t pronounce Melbourne properly’.

(Above: The guy who couldn't get laid or pronounce names of cities and took it out on the world)

Regular Melburnians had mixed feelings about the video, with some of those surveyed reporting fear and trepidation while others were just glad Australia was being included in the famous terrorist group’s thoughts.

“Yeah, I mean it’s a little scary, but it is pretty cool we’re being considered as enough of a threat to Muslim masculinity that we can be mentioned in one of those high-budget terrorist flicks” said 32 year old draftsperson Dale Rogers.

Hairdresser Prue Philbert, 24, was also optimistic, saying she wasn’t worried because “if they can’t pronounce the name, they probably can’t locate it on a map to attack it”.

ASIO is currently taking the mispronunciation pretty seriously, wondering if the publicity caused by the terrorist video will impact on international perceptions of Melbourne. "We just don't want people thinking it's pronounced Mel-Born" said ASIO spokesperson Janet White.

Technical experts are investigating the video, thought to be made of magnetic tape.
"

Violence Over Best Star Wars Film By Irish Factions Continues

2005-09-12T10:05:00.000+10:00

"

Rioters in Ireland have destroyed several city blocks with firebombs and rumours of suicide bombers, after new heated public arguments over which Star Wars film is the best broke into the streets. This new wave of violence between sworn rivals “Empire Strikes Back Army” and the “Return of the Jedi Front” signals an end to the long-touted and hitherto hopeful peace talks that were to commence in two weeks’ time.

The long and bitter feud between Irish Star Wars fans is almost as old as the series itself, beginning in 1983 after the final movie in the original trilogy was released, when the previous “Irish Star Wars Fan Club” splintered into a two factions: those who appreciated the newest installment in the series; and those who felt let down and disappointed by the Ewok-laden third film.

The violence began at the first Irish Star Wars Fan Convention after the release of ‘Jedi’, which had previously been peaceful and celebratory, when somebody – both sides say it was the other – yelled out “Fuck your movie” and threw a cream bun at the opposing side, starting a large food fight.

From these inauspicious beginnings things escalated into more intense and harsh combat styles. Food fights became punch-ons, which became all-in brawls, which became shootings, which led to what Ireland witnessed today; rioting, suicide and firebombing. Plot became theology and now there are two main religions in Ireland: Empire-ism and Jedi-ism. Both are essentially the same but in Jedi-ism, Luke and Leia are siblings.

This newest firebombing has all the hallmarks of a terrorist attack, but so far neither side of the Star Wars fan terrorist contingent has stepped forward and taken responsibility for it. Empire Army spokesperson Ralph McCullough paraphrased Yoda on the matter, saying “Suicide-bomb or do not suicide-bomb: there is no injury”.

"

Carbon 14 Dating Service: Scientifically Verified for Love!

2005-09-09T18:29:00.000+10:00

"
Lonely? Single? In an unfulfilling relationship? We just might have the thing for you!

Tell me, have you ever just asked yourself "Boy, I feel like I was born in the wrong century"? Or perhaps "I just wasn't made for these times"? Or "I'm really looking for somebody much older than me"? Well, fret not, dear lurve-lovers, for Carbon-14 Dating is just the thing for you!

Carbon-14 Dating is an exciting new dating technique that far surpasses our competitors. AND we have science on our side! Science!

Just look at this diagram! Isn't that just the sexiest thing in a millenium?

Ladies, you know OUR men will be mature! And, guys, what could be hotter than an accurately dated specimen? Or speci-woman. If that's your thing!

Carbon-14 Dating is scientifically proven to be great for dating! And we can accurately pick the date for you! Within 40, 000 years! 40, 000 years of LOVE that is!

Just check out this sexy man. He knows about Carbon-14 Dating. He's guaranteed to love you. And ladies, he's single and close to his family!

So, if you'd like to go on a Carbon-14 Date, just call our Professor of Love, Dr. Finklestein on 1902-Pi (to 16 places).

"

One Line Time

2005-09-07T18:57:00.000+10:00

"They say that if you shower for 3 minutes less you'll save 200 glasses of water. Who wants to drink shower water?"

New Support Emerges for Intelligent Doughnut Theory

2005-09-04T13:35:00.000+10:00

"

With the Western world seemingly disenchanted with scientific explanations for the nature of the universe, a new body of enquiry has developed, heralded as the bearer of good new research in a long-running debate. The Creation Institute is a new foundation dedicated to the emerging area of study concerned with the cosmological and theological aspects of this great big wide universe of ours. The jewel in the crown of the Creation Institute is the newly espoused "Intelligent Doughnut" theory, now currently gaining momentum.

The theory's chief describer, Theodore Tahu, says that Intelligent Doughnut will change the face of the theological-political complex landscape. "We have acquired enough evidence to now be able to proclaim with some certainty, that the universe is definitely the product of a giant, glorious Doughnut in the sky" the 43 year old said, making air-quotes aroud the word 'evidence'.

Former school principal Tahu also offered examples of his grand unifying theory in order to persuade the skeptical. "Just look at the way certain things in this world are shaped and you will see, a priori, their inherent 'doughnut-ness'" Tahu said. "Bagels, car tyres and, of course, doughnuts themselves all resemble doughnuts - the geometrical archetype that forms the basis of all structure in our six thousand year old universe".

Other examples include the more contentious theory of the 'doughnutimous mind', which holds that the actual structure of the human mind is doughnut-shaped, with a hole in the centre called the 'Eye of the Doughnut', the area from which the Great Almighty Doughnut speaks to all true believers.

Although evolution by natural selection still has a lot of sway, ID and the Creation Institute itself has bolstering support and monetary contributions from such groups as the Extra Chromsone Institute; the Lobotomised Pastors Group; and the Amalgamated Monocular Engineers Union. Despite such impressive backers, Tahu and ID have come under criticism from certain sectors of the Creationist world for being blasphemous to other theories' tenets. Such as, for example, failing to recognise St. Wedding Ring's Day as a proper holiday.

Just this week Roger Descartes of the Intelligent Christmas Wreath Society attacked Tahu for his "inability to grasp the finer, more subtle points of the theology. I mean, theory". Descartes, for example, does not dispute the shape of the universe as being circular with a hole in the middle, but disagrees with Tahu's application of it to realms such as cooking.

"Descartes just doesn't understand that in order for the Almighty to truly see us, everything we consume and excrete must resemble It. Therefore, it is imperative that I make my roast chicken doughnut shaped" Tahu said, in response to the Intelligent Christmas Wreath criticism. "Just because he didn't like my Sunday roast two weeks ago doesn't mean he should engage in sledging me in public".

At the conclusion of our interview, Tahu reminded everyone to pray to the Great Doughnut at least three times a day, facing in the direction of the nearest doughnut shop.

"

Prediction: Katrina Either Least or Most Popular Baby Name of 2006

2005-09-02T00:50:00.000+10:00

Brogden Soap Opera Moves Into Top Gear

2005-08-31T17:36:00.000+10:00

"I can't wait to see what the cliffhanger will be!" says Australia.

Warning Labels for Porn

2005-08-31T17:30:00.000+10:00

"WARNING: May make you feel insecure about your penis size."

"WARNING: May be more fun than the Bible, the Torah and the Koran put together."

"WARNING: You might go to hell, but it might be worth it."

"WARNING: Product contains mature concepts. Like fucking."

"WARNING: Do not study for acting tips!"

"WARNING: May make you inadvertantly develop a misogynistic view of women and unrealistic expectations for them. But probably not."

"WARNING: May raise your standards a little higher than that ugly ducking you think is a swan that you call your girlfriend."

"WARNING: Don't pretend this will influence you to do bad things. Don't ruin it for the rest of us, fucko."

"WARNING: Proprieter takes no responsibility for second-hand product being sticky."

"WARNING: You shouldn't watch this. Go and join the Holy Spirit Interactive Youth instead. They're so much fun."

"WARNING: Your parents, church and government don't want you to see this. Must be good, right?"

Outrage at Schools Teaching Leftist, Christ-like Values

2005-08-29T17:45:00.000+10:00

"

Parents groups have expressed widespread outrage at a recent report that found teachers in Australian schools were teaching students left-wing values. Catholic schools had the most incidences of leftist teachers, citing 'Jesus' as the source of their extremist views, closely followed by some Church of England academies.

"These maverick educators have got to be stopped" said concerned parent Donald Trousers, whose daughter attends one of the Catholic schools accused of expressing leftist views in classes. "Just the other day Bridget came home from school, crying because her school was telling her to donate money to a fund to help the Sudanese refugees. Now, we didn't send her to a Catholic schools to be taught these leftwing, pinko values."

Mother of three school-age children Janet Warburton concurred, saying that leftwing teachers were telling her sons "all kinds of filthy commie rubbish". Examples she cited included teachers telling students to care for the poor and downtrodden outcasts and "something about not casting the first stone"

Rightwing columnists joined parents and politicians in the fight against 'activist teachers', starting a letter writing campaign to secondary schools across all eight jurisdictions of Australia. The hope is that these letters will influence the schools to balance out their dogma of 'peace, love and understanding' with viewpoints from other sides of politics, such as 'me, me, me' and 'fuck 'em'.

Conservative commentator Andy Doldrum said that although he is a Christian, he is opposed to such left-leaning values being taught in independent and state schools. "Look, I go to mass every week, but I think Jesus' message of peace is too politically loaded to be taught in schools these days" the 46 year old said. When asked what he thinks a good syallabus would be, Doldrum suggested his new book "Stupid Bloody Lefties" should be taught as an example of "objective and measured commentary".

"

Earth to Michelle Leslie: You're Hot, Stop Covering Your Face. Do you want to lose this publicity?

2005-08-28T22:34:00.000+10:00

Conversation with a Blog Spammer

2005-08-28T22:06:00.000+10:00

"

"What do you think about Victoria's juvenile justice policy of diverting young offenders out of the formal justice system?"
"Wow! Excellent, man. You are really smart. I have just the site for you. It's about shoes. Pretty much shoe related. Stop by if you get time. Thanks!"

"If you were living back then, would you have signed up for the First World War?"
"I'm a really big fan of this blog. It's awesome. Where do you get your ideas? Well, I won't keep you long. Have a look at my site, too!"

"Gee, I wonder what can be done about the conflict in the Middle East"
"Real estate in that area is getting really expensive. Did you know that 10% of all people who talk about statistics are 50% more likely to be speaking hyperbolically? If you want to find out how to get the best deal for your home and future properties, maybe my website could be of help! Keep it up!"

"So, upwards of 'none', how much caffiene would you say is a healthy amount?
"OMG! I wish my blog was as cool as yours. Keep up the good work. P.S. My website is about all kinds of stuff, it's not an advertisement or anything. By the way, go Pepsi!"

"Do you think child molesters released from gaol should be able to live amongst a community that doesn't know of his offences? It's a bit of a moral quagmire"
"Awesome effort. Trying hard is the most important thing! If you'd like to read more about Jesus, check out my blog! I make an awesome effort also"

"

"I don't think drawing a moustache on John Howard is political satire, man"

2005-08-27T18:51:00.000+10:00

"

Look, man, I know you consider yourself an aspiring comedian. An undiscovered gem at the skin of the water about to break through. You probably even believe you're going to have huge success. But, I think that, as your friend, I should make you aware of something. I realise you think you're a master at political satire, but you know what? I don't think drawing a moustache on John Howard's face in a picture counts as political satire. Yes, I'm being serious. Sure, it looks silly and all but I think you're missing the point here. If it is a political statement, it's a fairly naive and trite one.

And while we're on the issue, I'm also pretty sure that making fun of the physical defects of somebody you don't like isn't satirical either. I mean, sure Kim Beazley is fat. And, sure, Latham was a pear shaped pudgy guy. And, yeah, Alexander Downer has little vaginas under his eyes. But that's not...I mean...well, it's not actually comedy is it? I mean, don't you have any...I don't know..jokes about their policies or their morals or something? No, I don't think calling Bill Clinton an adulterer counts either. Besides, what year is this? Oh.

Mate, I don't want to get you down but if I didn't know any better I'd have to say you don't actually know much about anything and are just using public figures for ridicule because that's the only form of humour you can understand. Why don't you check out some Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks, David Cross or Eddie Izzard to see how political humour can be done well? What? No, I'm pretty sure Dennis Miller doesn't count.

Well, why don't you give me some of your latest political jokes and we'll see if I laugh. OK, shoot. Ten things you love about Bill O'Reilly? Man, have you been paying attention to anything I've been saying? Using a poltical figure in your comedy doesn't make that comedy political. You know that, don't you? Well, what else? A sketch where Tony Blair is called Tony Hair and he has hair all over his body and keeps tripping over his long head of hair? Actually, that's not bad. But, no, not satire.

Also, you know that thing you do where you take an old joke and insert political content into it? Like "Why did Nastasha Stott-Despoja cross the road? To suck my dick". Yeah. Not poltical satire. No, not "Knock Knock. Who's there? No WMDs" either.

Oh, hey. Don't cry, man. This isn't me trying to bag you or your art or anything. It's just that I can't help but think you're not quite understanding how this kind of humour works. Look, you'll just have to learn from the masters. I can't help you alone. Maybe listen to some Frank Zappa, or watch CNNNN. Maybe even start reading the newspaper once in a while. You'll get the hang of things.

What do you mean, 'who's Frank Zappa?' ?

"

War on Bemusement to Commence

2005-08-25T22:36:00.000+10:00

"

A new war is to be waged by the leaders of the Free World, John Howard told a press conference this morning. The new battleground would be a direct continuation of the hyper-successful war on terror. The new target: bemusement.

“Now that there is no more terror in the world, I see fit to bring to your attention the next big threat to Our Way of Life: bemusement” the Prime Minister said. “You know that feeling you get when you’re faced with something that you just cannot understand? You become confused because you’re an intelligent person, and your inability to comprehend makes you anxious. This is bemusement and it is ruining this great nation”

The PM’s announcement got off to an ironic start, with many journalists unable to understand what he was talking about. When questioned by the throng gathered, the Hon. Mr. Howard remarked that ‘this is exactly what I was talking about! Bemusement must be stopped’ and prompted got into his limousine.

A poll conducted this afternoon in Canberra revealed that ordinary Australians were supportive of the PM’s war on bemusement, and even offered suggestions as to what our next war should be on (see below).

However, reports state that people in Melbourne and Sydney are disputing the poll from the nation’s capital city, saying nobody in Canberra can be considered an ‘ordinary Australian’.

Poll Results:‘What should the next War be on?’

“That weird feeling I get when I look at my long lost cousin” – Jake Milton, 15.

“My homosexual urges that aren’t getting adequately sublimated by AFL” – Glenn Weaver, 32.

“The Australian Film Industry. We’re just too prolific” – Sally Robbins, 44.

“Tasmania. Fuck them” – Reginald Charles, 53.

“Those commie bastards in the Department of Immigration” – Val Jenny, 60.

“Big words! They’re so…um…big.” – Craig Sleet, 24.

“My inability to urinate when someone else is watching” – David Tucker, 29.

"

Delusions of Stand Up Comedy Gold

2005-08-24T23:53:00.000+10:00

“Good evening everybody, I’ll be your mic-warm up guy. I’ve had a few hits at this gig. You might know a couple of them. Um, ‘Check 1, Check 2’ anybody? 'Testing, testing'. That was one of mine…”

“…So, I’m a proponent of Chinese Medicine. My GP’s name is Dr. Wang….”

“…I had anorexia as a teenager. Yeah, I saw my Mum do all that cooking and cleaning the dishes and I just thought…I shouldn’t have to put her through that. It never occurred to me to just help her out. But you know, teenagers are stubborn. Once you get your heart set on an idea…”

“…But the truth is I just wanted attention. See I have a twin brother and I had to be separate from him, define myself in opposition to him. So, he became the hot, muscular one; I became the weedy, on-death’s-door one. It’s typical twin behaviour…right, Mary Kate? Besides, girls love guys that are individuals…right girls? And what’s more individual than a male anorexic? I guess a female non-anorexic...”

“…It’s nice to be out with a classy crowd tonight. You know, people who don’t refer to cask wine as ‘goon’. You know the people I’m talking about. Hippies, losers, beatniks: some of my closest friends…that I use for drugs. Classy drugs, of course. Not the kind that gets you arrested in Indonesia. None of that LOSER shit.”

“…I had a friend who was a socialist. She used to blame everything on capitalism. I mean, everything. She blamed capitalism when she broke up with her boyfriend. But, then, she was going out with Milton Friedman, so…”

“…And the Victory sign became the peace sign again. It was, once again, a political statement. For about 5 seconds. As soon as a rapper starts doing something like that, its shelf life is diminished.”

“…See, I really wanted to write a joke about schadenfreude, but I couldn’t think of anything good. Then, my friend tried to tell a joke about schadenfreude and it was a really terrible joke. That made me feel good…”

“…Thank you, you’ve been a moderate-to-good audience. Have a moderate-to-good night.”

That Old Standby: the Comic Horoscope

2005-08-23T15:52:00.000+10:00

"

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You've always believed your hair was the source of your power, but after your next haircut you'll discover it's also the source of your ability to maintain vital bodily functions.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - All the planets are having a party this weekend so it pretty much doesn't matter what you do. Just don't piss Jupiter off on Sunday morning - he'll be very hungover.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) - You will suddenly find yourself married in Asia this week when you mistake the Bird finger sign as meaning the same thing in every culture.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)- You'll really wish you had paid more attention in RE class when you choose 'sodomy' over 'rum' and 'the lash' in your multiple-choice Navy initiation ceremony.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)- You will disprove the belief that time heals everything when your long running open wounds finally kill you from blood loss.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) - Becoming addicted to cough medicine may be a low-rent drug problem, but it sure tastes better than ecstasy.

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)- You will finally find out you have, in fact, been worshipping the wrong god this week when armageddon comes and you don't recognise Zeus.

Aries (Mar 21 - April 19) - Upon arrival in Hell you'll be both relieved and annoyed that this eternity you're to burn for is actually only as long as an Enya record.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)- You knew being the PR guy of the most despised man on Earth would be tough, but you'll still be upset when some kids let your tires down.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - Family tradition has always been important to you, which is why you'll soon develop a liver disease in honour of your late grandfather's drinking habits.

Cancer(June 22 - July 22) - You've always been afraid that your star sign would someday become portentous. Well, no need to be afraid anymore.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - Be careful of what you write in your blog this week. In three thousand years it will become the basis of the most popular religion on New Earth.

"

Hot Model Arrested in Bali on Drug Charges

2005-08-22T16:27:00.000+10:00

"We can't believe our luck!" says Media.

Robert Doyle Builds Spaceship for Pedophile

2005-08-21T18:23:00.000+10:00

"

Outraged at the news that convicted pedophile Charles Alan Smith is now living in Victoria after being transferred from Perth in a parole transfer scheme, state Opposition Leader Robert Doyle has built a homemade spaceship in which to place the disgraced former Salvation Army major.

“Why should Victoria become the dumping ground for other states’ pedophiles?” said Doyle, as he added the finishing touches of paint to his rocket. “I made some calls to other states, but they didn’t want to take him either. Not even Tassie. So, it became clear what I had to do: build a spaceship, Robbie!”

The Liberal MP is confident the spacecraft will get off the ground and orbit the earth for the term of Smith’s natural life. Doyle also suggested there was room enough in the rocket to house more than one child sex offender, including the infamous and recently released Mr. Baldy.

However, some conservative commentators have expressed discomfort with Doyle’s plan, saying that if pedophiles are allowed to orbit the earth, they might still be dangerous.

“Surely Mr. Doyle cannot be serious about letting pedophiles orbit the earth” said Labelled Victims of Crime Coalition chairman David Xanadu. “The telescopes they have in those spaceships are so high powered the pedophiles can actually see our kids on the playground from space!"

Xanadu plans to fight Doyle's spaceship plan until the state Opposition Leader agrees to uninstall the telescopes. Doyle is reportedly considering it.

"

Guy not big enough nerd for girl in comic book shop

2005-08-21T16:00:00.000+10:00

"

A guy was not enough of a nerd to chat up a girl in a comic book shop yesterday, prompting bemusement, sources say. Roger Dulles, 25, was in the Cronos Comics store buying reissues of classic 1950s EC comic books when he approached Ruth Smythe, 23, with the intention of picking her up.

Reports state that Dulles attempted conversation but could not keep up with Smythe’s rapid-fire references to obscure issues of Preacher and Hellblazer. When Dulles, a systems analyst, meekly mumbled something about liking ‘that Constantine movie’, the Smythe reportedly rolled her eyes and made a sarcastic comment about his taste in big screen comic book adaptations.

After several awkward moments, Dulles ejected from the situation and left the linguistics student to herself. “I don’t understand what I did wrong” the former amateur cricketer said. “I guess women these days want a man who knows the difference between Bob Kane’s Batman and Frank Miller’s Batman.”

However, Dulles has not let this incident get him down, saying that “she wasn’t even very good looking”. He also noted that she had an undercut.

"

The Interview

2005-08-19T16:00:00.000+10:00

"In the same week that crocodile culling is back on the agenda, the people of the coastal town of Bricksbay are sleeping comfortably tonight after the capture and execution of Ol’Toothy, the town’s famous great white shark. Ol' Toothy was believed to have killed more than 1.5 tourists over the past 40 years, although no trial was carried out. Kevin McGinley, Head of the Kill Sharky organization, is here to speak about his success."

"Now finally Bricksbay is safe from the tyranny of large fish living in their natural habitat, attacking what they perceive to be threats to their home by alien creatures. Praise the Lord!"

"Congratulations on the successful killing. You truly have blurred the line between human and non-human animals. What's next for you?"

"We're raising money for a trip to the North Pole. We hear there's a dangerous polar bear up there that's just asking for some killing. Also, the kids would like to catch a glimpse of Santa Claus. I would too, actually."

"Well, this station wishes you continued success."

"Thank you. Kill Sharky will be triumphant!"

People Everywhere Are Confusing Basketball With Middle East Conflict

2005-08-17T23:10:00.000+10:00

"Woah, Andrew Gaze is getting pretty fired up!"

"Dude, you're thinking of Gaza"

"..."

MP Lauds Mark 8:13

2005-08-16T17:27:00.000+10:00

"

An obscure Member of Parliament today held a press conference to remind everyone of the wisdom of the Bible passage Mark 8:13. Barrabas Michelan, indepdenent backbencher for a small rural community said there is much to be learnt from the gospels and that he had called the journalists to extol the virtues of his favourite verse.

"I want to relate to you a piece of wisdom from the very Book of all wisdom. In this troubled age, I think we can all learn from the sage-like words of Mark 8:13 - 'He left them, got back into the boat and started across to the other side of the lake', " Michelan said to a stunned congregation.

After this opening the 53 year old began a short exegesis of the meaning of the rarely quoted gospel verse, urging all who heard him to "share this wisdom and get back into our boats". As Michelan finished his conference, he was greeted with scattered applause while the assembled throng of television and print media attempted to question him. His only answer was "I think what you want to know can be found in Mark 8:13."

Christian scholars have expressed agreement with the MP's brave bringing of religion into the public sphere, though they were bemused at his choice of Gospel verse. "Whilst I applaud his intentions, Barrabas' extract from the book of Mark seemed rather arbitrary" said Father John Norton, a Catholic Priest. Protetstant cleric Barry Humphrey Bear concurred, saying he would have preferred it if the MP had instead recited Mark 6: 15, which is 'Others, however, said "He is Elijah."'

Political commentators have speculated that Michelan's press conference may have something to do with his being told earlier in the week by his PR people that voters prefer religious politicians.

"

Foregone Conclusion of the Year: the Bali Nine

2005-08-15T23:27:00.000+10:00

"I wish you were as romantic with me as you are about your final year of High School!"

2005-08-15T23:17:00.000+10:00

"

Honey, sit down for a second. Yes, I know you're putting the final touches on the invites to your school reunion dinner, but just put it down for a second. I have something to say. Now, you know that I'm a woman. I have needs. Sometimes I like to be given flowers. Or chocolates. Or serenaded underneath my bedroom window by the man I love. Which is you...I guess.

Do you understand what I'm saying? No, stop looking through those Year 12 photos for one second. See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. I wish you'd be romantic with me. You know, the same way you're romantic about your last year at high school. I mean, you weren't even that popular and it wasn't like you did particularly well, marks-wise. Yes, that is the truth darl.

Look, it comes down to this. While you're over there watching the amateur video of your school production of Guys and Dolls, I'm sitting here thinking about all the men - aside from you - that have made me feel pleasure. The ones that made me feel attractive and loved. Do you remember what that was like? Do you...excuse me? Hello? Am I invisible over here? Oh, right, I see. You're too busy playing the online mini golf game that you played all through VCE to keep your mind off studying - which, by the way, might explain your marks!

Right. Well, if you're not going to even listen to me, maybe you don't need to know that I've been cheating on you. Oh, you heard that, didn't you? Yes. With a man who can wine and dine me. He knows the difference between romance and romanticising. And you don't, baby. So, yeah, I'm leaving you. Come on, don't do that. What are you crying about? Oh. My tone of voice just now reminds you of your old English teacher? Right. Goodbye, Thom.

"

Breaking News: Guy At Breaking Point with Pseudo-Intellectual on Broken Down Train

2005-08-11T23:45:00.000+10:00

"

Right now, at this very moment, a guy is sitting in a train that has broken down somewhere on the Hurstbridge line. He has somehow become engaged in a conversation with somebody he has strong suspicions could be a pseudo-intellectual. Some girl. With every sentence his new companion speaks he grows ever-annoyed. This person is talking about postmodernism but is using it only as a buzzword. Same goes for functionalism, structuralism and post-structuralism. This person, too, is pretty damn hot.

This person is name-dropping intellectuals but understands little. This person pronounces the T in Foucault and the Ls in Baudrillard. This person also seems to confuse the word 'causal' with the word 'casual'. God, are those lips naturally that sublime?

The guy is wondering how he managed to get into a conversation with this person on this carriage on this broken down train. When is this train going to get started? He shouldn't have been so friendly, noticing that the pseudo-intellectual was reading a book he was also reading. A girl who reads Bourdieu is always trouble.

Perhaps if she wasn't so damn pretty. If only she wasn't so stupid.

And now she's leaving syllables out of words. Phenology for phenomenology; moderny for modernity. The guy is pissed off. As much as he is being choked by her phony intelligence, she has the cocksure beauty of someone who never needed to learn about Ulrich Beck. But she's getting no concessions.

This person is talking about some theory of hers. Some grand universal theory of everything. It fails even the basic tenets of academic enquiry. Yet, she is transfixing.

"So, can I have your number?" she says. The guy is surprised she hasn't somehow brought this up via Pythagoras.
He is staring too deeply into her eyes, disappearing into the split-second that has space for considering that perhaps her pseudo-intellectualism would be tolerable, if only she would get a little closer.
"Yes, of course" the guy is replying.

Man, she probably pronounces the P in pseudo. The guy is wondering if the girl is that hot. He shall see.

"

Harry Houdini's Ghost Visits, Discredits Clairvoyant

2005-08-10T22:41:00.000+10:00

"

A Melbourne 'spiritualist' was confused and distressed this week when the ghost of Harry Houdini visited her during a standard seance. Grace Moonchild, 36, said the famous magician had come to disprove the validity of her chosen profession. While alive, Houdini spent time in the 1920s debunking spiritualists and psychics, exposing their phony practices as shams. Moonchild suspects Houdini's ghost visited her in order to achieve a similar aim.

The incident has left Moonchild in an hysteric state, given the paradoxical nature of the visit. "I don't get it. If my work is a sham, how did he visit me from the spirit realm?" the mother of two said. "If the seance raised Houdini's ghost, isn't that proof that I'm not a faker?" The former school teacher also added that Houdini's ghost looked 'nothing like Tony Curtis'.

Spokesman for the Royal Society of Houdini Lovers, Gary McCormack, said that this is exactly the sort of thing Houdini would do. "It's just like good old Harry to continue in his ghostbusting pursuits; even if, by doing so, he disproves his own point" the 52 year old said. "I would warn other psychics to beware: your tricks are about to be discredited from the spirit world itself."

Moonchild said that Houdini, also famous for his abilities as an escapologist, had taunted her from the netherworld, saying "You are a charlatan and a trickster, Grace Moonchild! I have come to let all know that your supernatural powers to raise spirits are false!" The historical stunt performer also added that Moonchild's candles smelled terrible.

"

People Everywhere Are Having Strange Exchanges

2005-08-09T22:18:00.000+10:00

“I think when people are listing surfaces they wouldn’t like to lick, I don’t think they should stop at the toilet. They should include the space of floor directly in front of the toilet, because, man, men spill”

"Why would anyone want to list surfaces they wouldn't like to lick?"

"..."

Car Wash Guy Empathises with Discovery Shuttle Crew

2005-08-08T22:52:00.000+10:00

"

At a glance, there's not much a NASA astronaut and a local car wash assistant have in common. One goes on missions outside of the Earth's atmosphere in highly sophisticated technology; and the other washes cars with water hoses and a soap brush. However, Jonah D'Arc, head car wash assistant at the local Wash 'N Clean, has expressed his empathy with the crew of NASA space shuttle Discovery, saying he too knows how bad weather can affect one's job.

"When I heard that the Discovery's return would be postponed by at least 24 hours because of poor weather, my heart just went out to Andy Thomas and the rest of the spacemen" the 24 year old said. "Trust me: I know how annoying inclement weather can be. Just the other day I'd finished a nice wax job on this new BMW when the heavens opened up and undid all my good work. So, my thoughts and prayers are with Discovery".

As a sign of solidarity between the disparate but connected professions, D'Arc will tomorrow offer discounts to any car wash customers who can prove they are in some way supporting the Discovery crew.

"

People Everywhere Are Talking About Marrying Above Their Station

2005-08-08T22:11:00.000+10:00

"I think I need to marry above my station to have a comfortable life. Someone rich, like the Queen."

"I think being married to the Queen would probably be a vastly unfulfilling experience."

"But I think that's what marriage probably is; so why shouldn't I have the best? That's all I'm saying."

""Well, my fiance is a Melbourne Arts student, but I'm a La Trobe Law student.
Which of us is marrying above our station?"

"That's a tough one."

Porn Actress Thinks She'll Be A Star One Day

2005-08-08T21:51:00.000+10:00

"

Delusional 19 year old porn actress Tracy Bing has expresed ambition beyond her station, saying she will be a star one day. On the set of the latest installment of internet based adult video Inside Teens , in which she will be violated in three holes and then take a load in the face, the former hair and beauty student said that 'Adult is just a stepping stone to bigger and better things" and "One day I'll look back on this with my kids and laugh".

Bing's deluded opinion of her chances of success in and out of the adult entertainment industry is a common one. Inside Teens producer John Speck says he regularly sees girls like Bing espousing 5 year plans for success. "They all come here saying they want to be great actresses, with porn simply being the launching pad" the 46 year old said. "I see them again in maybe 6 months, and their priorities are a little different. Now it's all about doing enough scenes to buy enough crank to get them through the week; or them begging me to find a new orifice to fuck, since no-one will hire them if they give it all away in their first shoot."

However, Speck's realism has not deterred Bing from her longterm goal of winning an Oscar. "I think a lot of people are just really negative. That and jealous" the aspiring star said. "They see that I have the potential to win an Oscar or a Ralph Magazine poll - either would be good - and they start bitching behind your back about how your A2M looked gross or how your DVDA looked computer generated and blah blah. Whatever, screw those hoes."

Tracy Bing will appear in Inside Teens 24 this week, and hopes to get a regular stint on Neighbours, in accordance with her 5 year plan.

"

"Why doesn't Britney Spears have a Salieri to her Mozart?"

2005-08-08T15:57:00.000+10:00

"

I think it's about time the general public recognised that the pop stars of our day and age are, in fact, very much comparable to the composers of old. You know the ones I'm talking about; those old dead white guys in wigs. Like Mozart. Now, seriously, you can't tell me that Britney Spears isn't the modern day Mozart. After all, they both wrote music - to some extent - commisioned by people with power and wealth. Mozart had the Emperor Joseph; Britney has Sony. They both have had substance abuse problems, although Britney's isn't publicised (I have my sources).

OK, so there are differences too. Mozart will be remembered for as long as human beings care to exist on this planet. Britney...well, let's just say it's no secret her star is fading. And, yeah, Britney has been married a few times already, whereas Mozart was married only once, to Constanze. Of course, he wasn't faithful and very likely contracted syphilis from multiple ladies of the night. Britney arguably is more faithful than that. Arguably.

So, what I'm really saying is, since she is today's analog to Mozart, why doesn't Britney Spears have a Salieri, a rival who is trying his best to bring about the genius' downfall? It seems that while Mozart was constantly blocked by Salieri and even driven more sick and mad than he already was by his cruel and unusual anonymous behaviour, Britney has managed in the music world without such a jealous rival. And I'm wondering why. Is her genius not as comparable to Mozart's as I previously thought? Have times changed so much since the late 18th century? Are jealous rivals a relic from a time long ago? These are questions for the scholars, of course. But it makes you wonder.

"

"Sure I'll do jury duty. On one condition: I want Joe Korp's case"

2005-08-05T16:44:00.000+10:00

"

Dear Juries Commissioner's Office,

Pursuant to your letter of August 4th and the Juries Act 2000, my presence has been requested for jury service during the period 19 September to 25th of Novemeber. Now, originally I had planned on attempting to politely decline because of my full-time student status or advanced age of something, but I've now come to the conclusion that I would love to do jury duty on one very simple condition: I want the Joe Korp case.

Now, I realise there's no way you could organise for this to happen. At least, not 'legally'. But, I've known enough shady characters in my time to understand that business done 'behind the books', as it were, is very common. So common that I can't see how the Juries Commisssioner could have an ethical problem with it. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me explain the conditionality of my jury service.

It's no secret that Joe Korp's attempted-murder charge will be upgraded to a murder charge now that his wife has died after that feeding tube incident. It's also no secret that the trial will be a pretty high-profile case. Now, this is a very good situation - not for Joe or Maria, I'm sure; but for me, an aspiring celebrity. I can think of no way to better fast track my rise to the top of the pop culture pile by being the 'cool' juror, you know.

I understand that it's all meant to be confidential. And, yeah, I understand that Victoria doesn't have the kind of show-trial supporting media that, say, the Michael Jackson case does. But nonetheless, I think there's a likelihood that a young, good looking, media-savvy personality like myself serving on the jury of a famous case would be advantageous to both my own career and the Juries Commissioner's Office in general. After all, you can't tell me the Juries Commissioner's Office is overexposed, now can you? Frankly, I'd fire your current PR guy. I hadn't even heard of you before this nice templated letter yesterday.

So, there's my proposal. I'll do jury duty if you can somehow 'guarantee' I will be on the jury for Joe Korp's impending murder trial. Note I said jury, not jury pool. I'm sure you can find a way to make sure I'm not peremptorily struck.

Regards
(Name Witheld)

"

"He's got no arms or legs? I guess I just don't notice peoples' disabilities"

2005-08-05T16:17:00.000+10:00

"

So, I was talking to Jeremy just before right and..which Jeremy? You know, he's got, like, blue eyes, he's shortish...The disabled one? Um, let me think Gee, now that I think about it, you're right: Jeremy has no arms or legs. How about that? I guess I just don't notice things like that, you know. I take a person for who they are, as a whole. I don't divide people into categories of 'having legs' and 'not having legs'.

And you know what, man? I'm a little offended that you would even refer to my mate Jeremy like that, actually. Why do you have to define people by their exterior? You wouldn't like it I was talking about you and I was all like...judging you and shit. And don't say you're not, because you are. You are judging Jeremy because he happens to have no limbs whereas I do. In fact, now that I think about it, I've never even noticed that I do have limbs. I'm just who I am, just like Jeremy is who he is. I'm pretty sure that he's never noticed that he has no limbs, either. You doubt that? Well, you, my friend, are nothing short of a bigot.

People should not judge books by their covers. That way people would get to experience human relations at a deeper level.You know, I think it would be much better if everybody in the world was just unable to see anything about anyone else that was different. I think the world would be a much better place then. We'd all be brothers and sisters in a massive floating love fest. Right?

In fact, I'm not sure I can even be friends with somebody so prejudiced as you. Someone who would not only notice, but actually bring up the tiny detail that Jeremy has no arms and legs. You're really an awful person for even seeing people in terms of their limb-status. It just gets me so angry!

Anyway, I was talking to Jeremy and he...well, he asked me to invite you to his birthday party. Me? No, he hasn't gotten around to inviting me yet. Whatever, I probably have something on that day anyway.

"

TV Show Given Until First Ad Break To Find Audience

2005-08-02T14:59:00.000+10:00

"

In a move that is fast becoming the norm for new television programmes, Channel 7 this week has given first-run Australian comedy show 'Milanovic's Can Machine Slam' until its first commercial break to 'find its audience'.

The show, 6 months in the making using relatively unknown cast and crew is set to air tonight in between 'Border Security' and 'Medical Emergency'. If ratings are not good in the first seven minutes, the station will pull the show off the air immediately, replacing it with repeats of the hilarious 90s sitcom 'Home Improvement', which research shows audiences love to death.

This controversial policy has superseded the previous Channel 7 doctrine of playing musical chairs with a new programme, changing a new show's timeslot and day on a weekly basis. Executives for the television network are reported to have stated this new 'zero tolerance' approach to bad ratings is a much more efficient way to make sure nothing subversive or, worse, original slips through the sieve of network programming.

Cancelling a show after a poor seven minute performance also effectively negates the need to pay to fund new Australian content. Russ Moyer, TV executive for Channel 7 said the message would be sent to the creative community that 'we don't want new content'. 'Why should we make our own shows when we can just buy some American imports?' the 52 year old said. 'After all, if Aussie shows were any good, people would watch them, right?'

When asked to predict 'Milanovic's Can Machine Slam's' success tonight, Moyer simply laughed. It airs tonight, quite possible for only 7 minutes, on Channel 7.

"

Senior

2005-08-01T14:55:00.000+10:00

INT - COUNCIL OFFICE - DAY
An office, mid-morning, doing good business. There is a line of elderly people queuing up to a booth.
There is also a young man at the front of the line. A bell rings.

APPLICATION LADY
Next please.

YOUNG MAN
Hi. I'd like to apply for a senior citizen's card.

APPLICATION LADY
I bet you would.
(beat)
No, seriously. How can I help you?

YOUNG MAN
That's what I want. A senior's card.

APPLICATION LADY
I'll be happy to....in about fifty years. Right now you're
just a tad too young.

YOUNG MAN
No. You don't understand. I'm ill.

APPLICATION LADY
Aren't we all, my boy. Pharmacy's down the road.

YOUNG MAN
What I mean is, I'm dying.
(beat)
I want a senior citizen's card because, you know, for all
intents and purposes I am aged...

APPLICATION LADY
Excuse me? You have got to be joking. What are you dying of?

YOUNG MAN
Something serious. Look, I've got my ID right here. Just...
(begins to break down) I...I...just want the same concessions made of
other people who are...(sniffs)...this close to the end.

APPLICATION LADY
I see. Let me get the manager.

She slips out for a moment, while the young man patiently waits, rocking back and forth on his heels. She returns with a man in a suit and glasses.

MANAGER
So, young man. I understand you have a very unusual request. Now, I'm
a compassionate man. I see your distress. I think, just this once, we can
make an exception to our...somewhat agesist rules.

The manager takes the young man's ID and begins filling out a senior's card application.

YOUNG MAN
Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. I'll make sure my family invites you
to my funeral.

MANAGER
Here you go, your own senior's card. I hope you get at least some enjoyment
out of it.

YOUNG MAN
Oh, I will.
(about face, jumps up and points at the Manager and Application Lady)
Suckers!

The young man runs away, giggling.

APPLICATION LADY
Poor kid. He's delusional.

It is now revealed that the Application Lady's booth has a sign above it that says "Applications for Sponge Cake Contest". The camera further pulls back to reveal a table to the right of the booth with a vast array of sponge cakes with numbers on them. It's a senior's cake competition, clearly.

End.

American Tourist Unimpressed with Australia

2005-07-29T17:31:00.000+10:00

"

American tourist Ed Tucker has expressed disappointment with the sandy shores of Australia, citing lack of stereotyped behaviour for the letdown he and his family felt.

“I thought it would be all short-shorts and flip-flops” the New Yorker said. “But I haven’t seen so much as one crocodile hunter since I’ve been in Melbourne.”
Further adding to the businessman’s confused and upset state was the dearth of barbecues that he was invited to, saying “We went to one ‘barbie’ but there was no shrimp on offer”. His wife and son were also bemused by the lack of people drinking Fosters.

Tucker blamed his unrealistic expectations on the marketing of Australian tourism overseas. As a warning to his fellow Americans, the family man said “Do not be fooled by the commercials! Kangaroos do not deliver the mail, nor can they speak by clicking their tongues. I know it sounds unbelievable, but trust me: I was there. "

The 47 year old said his friends back in the United States would hear about his Aussie experience, some of whom would be devastated at his news.

"

Customers

2005-07-27T20:20:00.000+10:00

"
Both customers sat alone at opposite ends of the bar. There were precious little patrons now. It was near closing time. Before long the aura of the warm companion this place offered would dissipate in favour of a harsher drinking partner: cold, dead night. She glanced at him from across the bar. He sat at one end, a mass of stoic energy, sipping bourban and lighting up a cigarette. She had quit months ago. A little relapse couldn't hurt, though.

"Hey, stranger" she called out from under the neon bar light that, for a brief moment, sketched her silhouette like chalk-outline halo. The tone of her voice was a rehearsed cocktail of sultry and sweet. Too polite to be rude, but too confident to be ignored.

It took a good couple of seconds before the stranger turned his head in her direction; and it was only after he had signalled to the bartender for another drink that he spoke.
"Hello" he intoned, slowly. It was impossible for her to tell what he was thinking.
Maybe he had smiled with a subtlety that bespoke a yearning in his heart. Maybe she saw a glint in his eye that reminded her of a feeling her body had long forgotten. Mabe it was the way his hands were in perfect rhythm with each other, knowing exactly when one mouthful finished and the next cigarette drag began. Whatever it was, she wanted him.

She stood up from her post and approached him, her eyes a mass of contained fire, swirling like a mushroom cloud over a long forgotten Third World city. She was not going to lose out. Failure was not a friend she was willing to get reaquainted with.
"Got a spare smoke?" she half-whispered.
He reached into his pocket, withdrew a silver plated cigarette case. He placed it on the bar between the ashtray and his drink.
"No" he said.
She shot him the look of a stripper presented with coins as payment for a lapdance. The look that says "Do you think I have a coin slot?" The look that she shot any man who attracted and infuriated her so sublimely. The look masking the fact that this was sexy. And he knew it.

When he finally spoke again, his words were at once smooth and gravelly; not a rasp, but a voice with the consistency of tiny pebbles that used to be stones, honed over the years until they were little more than small bumps.
"Are you going to buy me another drink..." He paused for effect, the bastard. "...or do I have to keep giving you the silent treatment?"
She couldn't remember the last time a man had spoken to her like that. She also couldn't remember it being so visceral.
"All right, stranger. But the next one's your shout" she replied, cautiously.
"We'll see."

From now on the conversation was tinted by opera. Even though the music playing in the joint was probably FM rock, she could hear an Aria. Or, at least, what she thought opera sounded like. Surely not something grand, like the Final Trio from Faust. This encounter wasn't that special and she wasn't that smart.

She could only guess at what he was hearing.

When they spoke, she talked nonsense, mostly. Cabbages and kings, past lives. Whatever. The conversation wasn't important. He probably wasn't listening anyway. He didn't speak often or for long, but through the gruffness she thought she could see something. She wasn't sure what it was, but she wanted - more now than ever - the chance to find out. She cocked her head to one side.
"So, are you going to flirt at the bar all night or are you coming with me?"
He took in the final drag of his cigarette and looked her up and down.
"I'm afraid not. I don't do dames with brown eyes", he said, as he exhaled. The smoke escaping his mouth made it seem as though his words were smoldering.

And with that he stood up, collected his jacket and walked out of the joint. Maybe he winked slyly, too. Maybe he hadn't heard her call after him, "But, they're not..." She couldn't be sure.

Sometime in the future she would pretend that she had left first. She would play that version of the movie in her head enough times to forget the truth. But at this moment, in the slow burning aftermath of her quietly crushing defeat, she knew she was beaten. And that was enough.

"

" I guess being an expert on evolutionary psychology is just something I was born with"

2005-07-24T15:23:00.000+10:00

"

You know, people often ask me how I know so much about evolutionary psychology. I had never really thought about it before but I'm pretty sure that having a talent for knowing all about the controversial academic area of evolutionary psychology - or 'Ev Psych', to us experts - is something that you're either born with or you're not. A lot of people don't like that idea, though. I guess that's why what I'm an expert in is so controverisal.

People say the dumbest things, too. They'll be all like "Dude, the only reason you actually know anything about evolutionary psychology is that you went to university and studied anthropology, biology, psychology and zoology. You got your knowledge from learning, socially" or they'll say, like, "You've read mountains of books and regularly keep up to date with academic literature about this stuff: that's how you know about it". And I have to say, those guys are douche bags. If they knew anything at all about evolutionary psychology - which they don't, because they weren't born with the knowledge that I was - they would be aware that people are just born with talents, abilities and qualities genetically. Some get the goods - like me - and others don't - like the douche bags who talk about 'social learning' and 'conditioning' and all these other current buzzwords.

I won't lie to you. I can remember a time when I didn't know anything about evolutionary psychology. In fact, I probably couldn't even pronounce it. But that's easily explained. See, I was predisposed to become an expert in this area and it was lying in me, dormant, until one day it occured to me that I, indeed, was an expert on evolutionary psychology. One day I was just sitting there, not realising I was, at the genetic level, an expert on an obscure scientific area; then, poof, I became self-aware. Like those machines in that movie.

But, hey, I don't let it get me down. After all, the people who want to deny my innate expertise in evolutionary psychology probably can't help being dickheads. Just like I was blessed with being born knowing heaps of information about Ev Psych, even though at first I didn't realise it, those naysayers are hardwired to just not understand. We shouldn't get angry with them. It's just the way they are.

"

"Cock, I'm sorry I didn't pick that girl up tonight"

2005-07-23T04:10:00.000+10:00

"

OK, cock. I know you've had a bit of a hard slog of late. I guess I have some explaining and apologising to do. I am sorry, cock. I am sorry for not sealing the deal with that girl tonight. I could have sworn she was into me. You don't deserve this, I know.

Don't think I don't know what you're going through. Far from it. Shit, I've been right there with you through every failed attempt. I know you're just as sick of my hand as I am, dude. So, yeah, I'm really fucking sorry about all this. Especially tonight. Man, I can't believe I screwed it up. I was pulling all my best moves, too, you know. I think she was into me all night long. Yeah, until right at the end just when it was quietening down and things had the potential to get more intimate. Then she casually mentions her boyfriend and how he has the names of his future kids already laid out. You should have seen my face. I was like "What the fuck, lady?". I guess I could see it coming. The last hour or so might have been a bit much. Some ladies just can't handle all the love I've got inside me. You know what that's like, Mr. Sparkle, right?

And, to your credit, you never fucked it up and made yourself known, like you might have done in past. Yeah, I guess it's best not to think about those incidents. We should, I guess, be proud of ourselves for that. But, really Mad Marvin, it's pitiful. I don't have to tell you how long it's been. And yet I was so sure we were in with a chance tonight with that bird. She certainly wasn't acting like she had a boyfriend.

So, do you think maybe she was just making it up because she was frightened of how attracted to me she was? Chicks are prone to do that. They tell their girlfriends they might lie about a fake boyfriend to a prospective mate because they don't want to feel like sluts. But it's very possible she really does have a boyfriend, Tricky Dicky. That would explain how into me she was. Maybe that comment about her boyfriend just slipped out when she didn't want it to and I let it get me down. Shit. That could be it. After all, my macking was top notch tonight. I was cocky, funny, sexy, seductive and interesting. Her friends were lapping it up too. Maybe I shouldn't have paid so much attention to her alone. Yeah, that's it, you reckon my ol' Penal Colony?

In any case, tonight I fucked up and you were the one who had to pay for it. So, yeah, sorry dude. I'll try harder next time. No pun intended.

"

"I'm sorry that I didn't wear my good underwear to your party"

2005-07-23T02:49:00.000+10:00

"

You didn't know this, but I feel bad anyway, so an apology is in order. When I attended your party this past weekend - by the way, excellent party - I was not wearing my good underwear. In fact, it was an old pair, quite unattractive to the eye. Don't get me wrong, it was still clean and functioned perfectly well, but was in no way sexy or funky or any of those things that are expected of us when attending a party. As you can imagine, I'm fairly embarrassed.

I do not expect forgiveness. I just would like to have a conscience clear of this particular unfortunate incident. Because, you know how it is. It is customary to get dressed up underneath when one dresses up on the outside for a social gathering. Or at least, it's a custom I try and practice very often. So, from the bottom of my heart I apologise profusely for this hidden social faux pas. I promise it will not happen again.

However, it wasn't entirely my fault. The laundry wasn't done in time. Maybe if I hadn't have had to pick up Jane and James it would have been a different story. But I was the designated driver and was obliged to help them out. If only I hadn't have waited until the same day to wash all my good underwear. I can't believe how out of control this got.

I am also considering writing a letter to that guy I hooked up with at your party, apologising to him too. What was his name again, Mogga? I mean, it was pretty dark but since there was definitely removal of certain items of clothing, it is more than likely that, through the darkness, he copped a glance at my ashamedly tattered underwear. Shit, that was probably the reason he left when I fell asleep. Speaking of which, if I do decide to write a letter to him, I'll need you to give me his email or address or something. He didn't tell me his number, strangely. I guess he forgot.

So, yeah, there's my apology. I hope you can understand my position and don't you worry, there will be many more excellent parties with me in my good underwear to match. That's a promise.

"

"Mike, I'm gonna have to say thanks, but no thanks to doing This is Your Life"

2005-07-21T21:31:00.000+10:00

"

Look, I know you've always been a big fan of mine, and I can understand how eager everybody might be but, I'm sorry, I'll have to decline, Mike. I don't think I want to be the subject of an episode of This is Your Life.

I've been thinking this over in my head for a while now. And, yeah, I know you haven't asked me yet. But I can feel it: You're going to approach me about detailing my life, through a series of long lost friends and family members and broadcasting it on television. And I'm going to have to say no. Sorry, it's just not my thing. I think that, as a big celebrity, it cheapens my work - all of it, even the work I don't acknowledge anymore. I didn't spend all these years filming trips to the toilet, selling the tapes on ebay and making money out of misery just to see it all reduced to some flashing dots on prime time Channel 9.

Besides, it's all very self-involved, self-obsessed, self-aggrandizing and other adjectives with the prefix 'self'. It's that bad. To me, of course; I'm sure you find great fulfilment in what you do, Mike. But it's not me. We don't need another chapter to my life's well worn book. Between the sixteen authorised biographies I sanctioned last year, the memoirs I optioned as a biopic and my new line of trendy formal wear, I think that, for now, it's best to let this television opportunity slide. I mean, come on. I'm hardly underexposed.

Anyway, I'm sure there are many more celebrities - ones equally as famous as me - who would jump at the chance to be on This is Your Life. Like, um, that guy. You know, he was on Neighbours for a couple of days. Sam, I think his name was. Cockatoo hair, cute dog? No? Well, what about...Oh, I know, the guys on that sketch comedy show on Channel 31. I think they'd do it in a flash....no? You only want me? I'm flattered, really. But no.

Let me tell you a story. I used to dream of a day like this, when Mike Willesee himself would want me - what? Oh, sorry: Mike Monroe - would personally ask me to do his surprise biography show. But I didn't make home made movies of my sisters sucking off horses while kneeling on the Bible just to throw my artistic integrity away for selfish reasons.

So, as I say, thanks but no thanks. I have a reputation to think about.

"

"You know, I think I'd do just about anything to get Fiona Apple to write a song about me"

2005-07-20T22:33:00.000+10:00

"

You know, I've been thinking lately. I think about the kind of music I like and the songs that really touch me. And I realised that Fiona Apple is such a damn good songwriter: I mean, I love her music a lot. It's a shame that her record company, Sony, shelved her third album - the one that should have been released, like, two years ago- because they couldn't find a single. It didn't have enough commercial potential.

Anyway, I also noticed that most of Fiona Apple's songs are about bastard or idiot men. You know, guys that fucked her over. I guess the way it goes is, a guy fucks her over; she gets angry; she writes a song. And she can be filled with such vitriol. Like in 'Limp', "So call me crazy, hold me down/Make me cry, get off now, baby/It won't be long 'till you'll be/Lying limp in your own hand". Boy. You'd hate be the guy that was written about, right?

So I got thinking, you know. What would it take to get a song as good as that written about you? Well, I think I've found the answer. I'm going to become Fiona Apple's boyfriend. I know what you're thinking, but let me finish. I'm going to become Fiona Apple's boyfriend and I'm going to fuck her over. I'm going to make her fall in love with me and then break up with her for no good reason. And she's going to write the greatest song about it. It's going to be sweet.

Right, right, I know. It would probably be better if she just wrote a song about me because I'm a good boyfriend. But my Fiona, she doesn't write about good men. In her songs, they're all bastards. So that's what I'll have to be.

And, yeah, she's probably much too good for me. But, come on, dude. We all have one moment of greatness in us. And this is mine. I'm pretty much awesome at being a cunt. And I think that aspect of myself would be great inspiration for Fiona Apple. She'll love me, then learn to hate me and then write a great song - maybe even one that's commercially viable - and it will become a big hit. It will become a song that people will wonder about, like You Oughta Know or You're So Vain. They'll say to themselves "Gee, I wonder who that song's about".

And when that happens, maybe Sony will release Fiona Apple's Extraordinary Machine album.

"

Pitches for Movies They'll (Probably) Never Make

2005-07-19T18:47:00.000+10:00

Title: Compulsive Shumpulsive
Tagline: "Sometimes you only have to open your door - then close it, then open it again, then close it, then lock it, then unlock it, then lock it- to find hope"
Synposis: In the cruel dictatorship of Politzville, people suffering from OCD are taxed more for their water usage. This provokes an uprising from the afflicted: with amusing consequences! Includes soon-to-be-infamous scene where the Compulsives Union march on the capital, having to take convoluted routes because there are too many cracks in the straight road. They also have to literally take one step back for every two steps forward. Destined to be a classic.

Title: A Loser, Am I?
Tagline: "The feel good movie of the Autumn."
Synopsis: A boy bullied all his through his school years because he can't play sport finally realises the way to solve his problem is to show that he isn't actually the 'loser' he is thought to be. One fateful night he steals all the trophies he can find and brings them to school the next day. He sets them up on his desk and smirks at people as they walk by. "Now they'll see I'm not a loser" he thinks to himself. But it all goes horribly wrong when one of the bullies points out that the trophies belong to his older sister and are, after all, for ballet. The kid later dies from the injuries sustained.

Title: The Neopolitan Fire Brigade
Tagline: "Fire and Ice-Cream"
Synopsis: In the irreverent fashion of the Full Monty and Brassed Off comes another picture about small-town folks with big-town hearts. The Metropolitan Fire Brigade of the tiny hamlet of Hamlet needs a gimmick. They are fast becoming useless since Hamlet won the record for World's Wettest Place and a glitch in the local charter means a full-time, full salaried Fire Brigade must be present at all public functions! Add to this that money is needed for Mrs MacGilicuddy's Fete this year and time is running out! Just when all hope was thought lost, good ol' Fireman Sam Briton comes up with the perfect idea: sell ice cream from the fire trucks! Features fantastic climax where a fire actually breaks out and everyone throws ice-cream at it.

Title: Dry, Dry, Dead.
Tagline: "Your tears will be dry...forever!"
Synopsis: In the tradition of Soylent Green comes a thriller about a Talcum Powder manufacturer that is sent anthrax by a terrorist group. Because of its appearance and texture, nobody notices it until it is too late. Or is it? (Hint: No. We'll stretch this out to 90 minutes somehow).

Title: How Appropriate: Behind the Ridicule.
Tagline: "You saw them briefly embarrased. Now see extended shame".
Synopsis: Documentary detailing the true story of a sadistic quiz show where each question asked was all too applicable for the contestants. For example, a fat woman would come on the show and be asked to answer the question: " What is the name of the weight loss drug popular with supermodels?" or a man with one eye asked to define 'Cylcops'. Features all new interviews with the contestants who, somehow, got over it all very quickly. (Legal note: the quiz show in question denies the appropriate nature of the questions is anything more than conincidence to this very day).

Title: Lint and Other Lies
Tagline: "Ever wondered where lint REALLY comes from?"
Synopsis: Ever wondered where lint comes from? Hardened journalist Davo McDave is determined to find out after his beloved wife Trudy was killed in a freak laundry accident. He discovers that a secret government organisation, employing midgets trained in ninja, distributes the bizarre collections of linen fibres to households everywhere, secretly placing lint in the population's belly buttons, arse cracks and pockets. McDave becomes a man possessed and goes undercover, infiltrating the midget gang (which involves a fantastic scene where a black market doctor removes his knees) and discovers the harrowing truth about Trudy!
Could be either a thriller or a screwball comedy, depending on direction.

Title: Legacy Eternal
Tagline: "One Man's Tale"
Synopsis: A man is thrown into solitary confinement for some unspecified crime. He is to stay there until he dies. He will have no outside contact with the world, but has all the access to pencils and paper he wants. He has this one final chance to make his life meaningful; to be remembered. He has these unending reams of paper and unblunting pencils to write or draw the greatest work of art he can. It is his one chance at being eternal. Unfortunately he has dysentery and has to use all the paper for toiletry purposes.

A Hardboiled Story in Black and White

2005-07-17T18:37:00.000+10:00

"

It was a $50 cab ride back from the strip joint to the relative safety of my home, which was beginning to seem like a stranger's of late. As I sat there with a silent driver named Muhommad, I tried to recount the evening. Sultry jazz played over the flashback in my mind, punctuated by smoke and aftershave. Hardboiled and on a quest, I tried to work out whether I had been successful.

The streets had glistened that night. Maybe it was a hangover from the day's rain and maybe the streets were still drunk. I was beginning to confuse the two myself. Whatever, my mission was clear. I was to imbibe as much of the black liquid that this old body could handle before collapsing into the arms of a stranger. And she would stroke my hair and make sure that the bad dreams would go away. At least until that bastard sunlight attacked my senses, sending me tumbling back to the Hell that the Earth was.

It was some party at a place that feigned comfort and class but underneath was made up of the same bile and insect feed that permeated the very souls of the people inside. Arriving late, I navigated my way through the scores of common folk I had known in a past life. If they recognised me, it was to their credit that they kept that information to themselves. The only thing on my mind was the soothing liquor that could temporarily wash the discomfort away. Through the sea of hopeless and irritating patrons there were life buoys of interest: people who didn't make me want to kill myself with drink after every sentence that defecated out of their vacuous, lipsticked mouths. I floated with them until it was time to move on.

I left the lounge and made my way to a place where the downstairs made the upstairs seem more heavenly than it actually was, such was its idiocy. Metal music, they call it. It provided me some solice while my gut was filling up, but not as quickly as I might have hoped. There was walking, but my legs moved to a different tune to that of my head.

The third venue of the night was like an old friend after the bourgeois nature of the first. There was an older crowd, my kind of people, and two acoustic guitars playing hit songs that are only remembered because people on acoustic guitars play them. I wasn't familiar with them all, having long ago decided social congruency wasn't worth the price if I had to forfeit good taste.

So I question this dame beside me, "What is this song?" She is aghast that I don't know the entire Jon Stevens catalogue. The only thing I have as a reference is Jesus Christ Superstar. Jesus Christ, this woman was a wonderful lady once upon a more naive time - when her good looks weren't corrupted by a sadness so clear in her eyes.

We get to talking and she's embarrassed at her age. She's 32. Hey, we've all got to go sometime. Tracey, she calls herself. With an E. She was sad, I could tell. The dame's confidence had been rattled by years of abusive men and had become suspicious of everyone as a result, I was sure. It was all in her eyes. It was the reason why she couldn't let herself have a little fun. She was guarded and outgoing at the same time. She was no longer at ease with the idea of being able to trust a total stranger, if she ever had been.

She told me where she was going next - a place of retro kitsch, where she could feel alive - hinting that I should come too. However, her inner contradictions bubbled away, meaning her implied invitation was quickly dashed at the explicit suggestion of accompanying these lovely older dames.
"I'm ten years older than you!" she said.
"Eleven", I corrected her.

My world and hers could have collided for a few short moments but the animals I had aligned myself with were keen to exit. I gave her a choice and spelled it out with my fingers. One, two.
"Either you never seen me again or you give me your email"
Her conflicted and drunken mind gave a confused shake of the head. The poor dame was done for. I left with a whimsy and melancholy usually reserved for people only equally as important as myself.

Venue four bears little description. It was the kind of place I imagine looks like the display screen of a colonoscopy if only I had enough tolerance to actually get inside. I told my moron companions that this detective wanted to leave. The wait was too cold and long for anything in there to be more than a victory the size of their testicles in the grand scheme of things. They had no business here, unless all they wanted was to add to the culture of exclusivity and stupidity.

I could no longer abide it. My bladder was full and I was fed up. My fellow private eyes weren't interesting anymore. They Baa-ed at me to leave if I wasn't completely into the idea of sucking the Big Black Cock of Satan and entering the haunt of the damned. I left without goodbyes and found a carpark stairwell to expel liquid into. I checked for situational crime prevention mechanisms like security cameras - years on the job had taught me that - but there was nothing. Clearly nobody much cared for the cold concrete floor and what might spill onto it.

A cab ride later and I was inside a strip joint, looking to find somebody I had known back when dames were only after one thing. I had hoped she was still only after this one thing, but the smell in the air was one of defeat. I made my way to another in the series and met Saint Lazarus and a fat guy who was kicked off a party bus. She wasn't there either. Not the same She, but weren't they all the same anyway?

So there I sat, with a man who was probably a doctor in Ethiopia, driving to my current humble - though charmed - abode. The mission wasn't quite a success, but it could be learnt from. Hell, I wasn't even that drunk.

"

"These heart palpitations are alien implants for sure"

2005-07-15T17:54:00.000+10:00

"

Listen, I know you'll think I'm crazy but these heart palpitations I'm getting have just got to be alien devices inserted into my torso for monitoring purposes. Sounds far fetched? To you maybe, but, like, what else could it be?

Sure, it could be withdrawl from coffee - I've only had two today - but this has been more prolonged. And, yeah, maybe it could be my body adjusting to eating healthier and then struggling through a little junk food from last night. And I suppose it's possible that my heart is just overreacting to the few mild cardio exercises I've started doing randomly the last few days but, man, I can feel it. It's my body and I know my body. And it's telling me that this, without a doubt, is a result of alien implants.

Now that I think about it, I can probably remember the exact time my body was violated - smoothly; steadily; but surely. A few nights ago, as I got up to get a glass of water in the middle of the night I could sense the faint glow of something...mysterious...in the air. It was there for only a second, but at that moment I knew I had been altered. Sex for aliens might be very much like it is here on earth - very short and devoid of feeling.

So, I think it is clear what these heart palpitations I've been having today are. That wonderful night when I was reborn as a member of the extraterrestrial study group, something was inserted into my chest that is reacting with our Earth's Sun and having strange repercussions on my body. Case closed, as far as I'm concerned.

Besides; if they aren't alien implants, why are my breasts all of a sudden this large?

"

English teacher treasures every correct apostrophe she finds

2005-07-14T15:37:00.000+10:00

"

Year 12 English teacher Gwen Banyon is no stranger to typos. Her classes over the years have been filled with underachievers throughout her 25 year career. That's why this year she has made a vow to appreciate and treasure every correct apostrophe she finds tucked inside her students' essays.

"I've finally realised that I can't help them anymore. They're on their own now; all I can do is congratulate them every time they happen upon correct punctuation" said the 53 years old. "Their grammar, spelling and style of prose is still terrible, but I will now be able to smile at their accidental achievement".

Experts say that education standards have dropped so far that so called 'accidental achievements' should be cherished, however minor they may be. "There was a time when teachers simply expected students to be able to use punctuation and grammar as a matter of course" said Education Specialist Dale Edwards. "But now, with the popularity of internet and mobile phone shorthand, adolescent comprehension of English is pretty much shithouse".

This is only the most recent in a slew of English teachers lowering their standards in order to cope with the poor state of education now faced in schools. Last year, English teacher Trudy Hall found satisifcation in a semi-colon used correctly by one student in a 500 word essay. "Since I can no longer feel good about getting my students to learn proper English, I'm now scaling down and being pretty impressed by that lone semi-colon" she said at the time.

"

Terror Mastermind

2005-07-13T23:33:00.000+10:00

Beware: There's a Terror Mastermind Out There.

I shit you not.

2005-07-13T18:13:00.000+10:00

"He was a cricket fanatic; and, as it turns out, a terrorist fanatic"
- Christine Spiteri, Channel 9 News Melbourne, 6pm tonight

Popular Books for Today's World

2005-07-13T17:13:00.000+10:00

"Shooting Fish in a Barrel: the Aspiring Comedian's Guide to making jokes about George Bush's intelligence"
by the Hack Comics Co-Alition.

"Life Inside a Star" by Britney Spears' fetus.

"Dedicating Songs to 9/11 Victims and/or 'Our troops': the Pop Stars' Guide to Appearing Political" by Faceless PR Men.

"Fat Annoying Guy Married to Hot Woman with Precocious Kids: the Formula for a Winning US sitcom" by Anonymous.

"AFL football: the Aussie way to sublimate homosexual urges" by Rex McAbblet.

"Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective People" by Carl Nehigh. Includes the favourite 'Counting Xbox time as Exercise'.

"Intellectualism for Dummies" by A. Feltcher. Includes quotable, out-of-context sections of Plato's Republic for after-dinner speeches!

"Common Sense for Common Folk" by "Dr" Phil McDonalds. - The Doc's new book includes how to breathe through your nose and chew gum at the same time!

"We Are Artless Sell-Out Fuckos with No Balls: the One-stop Guide to making sure nothing interesting gets put on television" by the Amalgamated Network Television Executives Organization.

"We Rote This All Bye Miself" by the Big Brother 2005 contestants. Contains transcipts of all their most riveting conversations, including the infamous 'Big Brother is a Jew'!

"Oh the Irony: How to Run a Website that is Essentially a Blog and still get away with Bagging Blogs, much to many Bloggers' amusement" by Maddox.

" 'Do your Fucking Job; I don't understand computers, that's why I'm ringing you' and 9 other helpful phrases to say to the rude Tech-Support Guy" by Franklin Luddite.

The Cuckold Clock (for Elle)

2005-07-12T15:34:00.000+10:00

INT – LOUNGE ROOM – DAY
A man dressed entirely in one colour stands against a wall, resembling a grandfather clock. He addresses the camera directly.

CLOCK
I was married for 5 glorious years to the most beautiful
woman I had ever met. I never suspected anything. She had
my complete and utter trust. It was what our love thrived on.
(pauses)
For two whole years she was cheating on me! And I never
suspected a thing! I was such a failure as a man and a husband
that she chose to insult me with not only infidelity but also
dishonesty.
(pauses)
I’m a wreck. I still can’t get used to putting ‘ex’ in front of
‘wife’. Why, oh why, did she have to cheat on me?
I’m a nice guy, right?

Now another man walks into shot. He is getting ready for something and is about to leave the house.

MAN
(curtly)
What’s the time?

CLOCK
(wipes eyes, checks watch)
Ah, it is eight-thirty...now.

MAN
Thank you.
(then, under his breath)
Bloody cuckold clocks.

As the man leaves the room a title appears. It says ‘the Cuckold Clock: His wife won’t give him the time of day - and now he’ll give it to you!’

The Wrestlers

2005-07-12T15:22:00.000+10:00

INT – SPORTS VENUE – DAY
A large, Olympic-sized crowd watches an intense match of Greco-Roman wrestling. The two men in the match are holding each other intently. As they wrestle we can hear two commentators on the soundtrack.

COMMENTATOR #1
Wow, this match sure is something. I haven’t seen
Such a gallant attempt at a sleeper hold since
Laurence Ciccone back in ’78.

COMMENTATOR # 2
Indeed, this is riveting. These two men are so close
They are virtually inside each other…

Suddenly, the two wrestlers start KISSING. And not just any kiss but a full-on homo-erotic PASH.

COMMENTATOR #1
(sighs)
Well, I suppose it had to happen some time.

COMMENTATOR # 2
(stumbling)
Ah, yes. I think…um…

The kiss continues.

COMMENTATOR # 2 (con’t)
Gee.

End.

2005-07-11T22:16:00.000+10:00

"I left enough space in the frame for you, baby"